FML即 F*** my life的缩写，直译的话就是“艹，我的生活烂透了……”
在你感到不舒心的时候去这里，你会顿时发现生活原来没有最倒霉，只有更倒霉。
地址：fmylife.com
Today,I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then Ipicked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application.Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong dayfor 16 years. FML
今天，我在邮箱里收到了我的护照。他们把我的生日搞错了。然后我找到了我一起送去申请护照的出生证明。结果我发现我的父母16年来一直在错误的一天给我过生日。FML
Today,I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I waswearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me andgrabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML
Today,I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around theblock to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving herroom... my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML
Today,this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me thatwhen I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'mconfined to a wheelchair. FML
今天，一个我认识了很久的很性感的女人跟我说，如果我能站着和她做，她就和我做。我残疾坐轮椅。FML
Today,I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, hescreamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's notBrittany. That's his sister. FML
Today,my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of apotential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' intogoogle, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virginboy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm ayoung guy. FML
Today,I asked my boyfriend to come over for dinner because I had some bignews. He said he did too, and came over. After stuffing his face fullof food, he broke up with me and said he'd re-enlisted into themarines, leaving in two weeks. I was going to tell him i'm 9 weekspregnant. FML
Today,I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying tohave a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news.When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I sawhim making out with a man. FML
TodayI noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddlyresembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doingshe said "I'm pretending to be mommy from last night." I was on abusiness trip last night. FML
Today,my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with herfriends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her familylives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were verygood) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horsefarm. FML
Today,I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER. When Iarrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attack whilehaving sex. FML
今天，我接到一个电话说我的未婚夫被送进了急救室。当我赶到急救室的时候，他们告诉我说原因是他在和某人OOXX的时候心脏病发作了。FML
Today,my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She saidshe's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in thefuture. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML
Today,my teacher demanded to talk to my dad because she thought he wasn't agood enough male role model because i'd misbehaved. i told her he haddied of cancer in 2005. She said that my lie was rude, disgraceful, andthat i should be ashamed, then gave me a detention. He actually diddie. FML
Today,I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was goingthrough it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name.So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are secondcousins. FML
Today,I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucksand got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having agood time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon,this will be plump with my seed." FML
Today,I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but Idecided last minute not to take them. I woke up to my boyfriend kissingmy neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening my eyes, I whispered"ooh this is so romantic." He blurted out shocked, "Oh...you'reawake?!" FML
Today,I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and satnext to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on myshoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before mystop came. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30minutes. FML
Today,I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano.Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On mypiano. FML
Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
今天，我给我男友发短信说：“Hi”。他的回复是：“我把你最好的朋友肚子搞大了”。FML
Today,I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past yearresearching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set anautocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't noticeuntil after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML
Today,my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turnedaround to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said'Now, do me'. FML
Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML
今天，为了给我哥们庆祝生日我们第一次来到了脱衣舞俱乐部。我也发现了我的女友的工作是什么。FML
Today,I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex forone month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks aremy honey moon. FML
Today,at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose,I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. Hetold me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall rightinto my mouth. FML
Today,I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is nowengaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when Ibecame pregnant. I'm going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnantwith his child, at their wedding. FML
Today,I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to seeif I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded forstaying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love.I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20minutes. FML
Today,while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. Hetold me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn'tfeel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women'srestroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female.FML
Today,I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and washorrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tapeand looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I wasconceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML
Today,I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our firstdate. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned myboyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marleyringtone started playing from the bush. FML
Today,this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated upand we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thingI knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when shestopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML
Today,I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for asurprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door openand say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kissesme on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night",and leaves. FML
Today,I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of thebathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips,wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on theedge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML
Today,I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents havingsex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a goodlong while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off theheadphones just in time to hear them finish. FML
Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML
今天，我老板发了条短信把我炒了鱿鱼。我没给手机申请短信包月。也就是说我花了25美分来被炒。FML
Today,I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friendexplaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulledover in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explainedwhat happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone whiledriving. FML
Today,my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there,he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. Hesent me home so he can play. FML
Today,I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They askedme how much money the government gives them if I die. FML
今天，我拜托我父母帮我报名加入军队。结果他们问我的是如果我死了，政府能补贴多少钱。FML
Today,I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers anddinner at her apartment. After i knocked, a handsome young man answeredthe door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized only to hearmy girlfriend's voice call from the background: "Baby, who's there?" FML
Today,I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walkedinto the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw mehe simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. FML
Today,my friends approached me and accused me of being anorexic cause i'vedropped a lot of weight lately. I swore to them that i wasn't anorexic.They jokingly asked "Do you have cancer or something?" All i could dowas stare at my feet. That wasn't exactly how i wanted them to findout. FML
Today,I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at thepeak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-IMISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was insideher. FML
Today,I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I'm gay. When I wastyping the email address in the "to:" field, it autocorrected theaddress to my mother. She just responded: "you filthy faggot". FML
Today,my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't.About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking aroundand I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML
Today,my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thoughtit was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled outmy tampon. FML
Today,I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, andthat I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, usethem, im going to bed xoxo". FML
Today,my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed likean eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and askedme, "what do I do now?" FML
Today,I opened my mail to find my Brown acceptance letter. Excited, I showedmy dad who just laughed and said 'what, it's not like it's Harvard'. Noone in my family has ever gone to college. My dad didn't even graduatefrom high school. FML
Today,I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing Icould hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finallygoing to tell her I love her!" I got really excited, deciding i lovedhim too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'mKayla. FML
Today,it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one wasmy fiancee, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my bestfriend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancee forthe past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me ahappy birthday. FML
Today,after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found mycar doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on mywindshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson. Don't f*** with me." I'mTyler, Jackson is my co-worker. FML
Today,I came home to find my mum on the phone to the doctor. When she hung upI asked what had happened. She said they found a sexually transmitteddisease in my bloodtest, and then she began to call me a slut. I'm 14,and am still a virgin. After 5 mins of crying, she tells me she wasjoking. FML
Today,my son looked out of the window and said "what's that piece of shitdoing on our driveway?" It was the new car we were trying to surprisehim with on his 16th birthday. FML
Today,a 7 year old girl randomly came up to me and told me to f*** myself. Itold her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her momhappened to be nearby and actually heard this conversation, she came upto me and told me to f*** myself as well. FML
Today,I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today.His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know whatthat meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found outhe's talking about a new Pokemon game. FML
Today,I turned 18. Nothing was said at breakfast, but I figured they'dremember and we'd have cake at night. I came home and there was cake,but not for me. My sister got her period for the first time during theday and they were celebrating. Apparently, a vaginal discharge was moreimportant. FML
Today,I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half thesize of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom'swalk-in closet. FML
Today,I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided totake a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide opensince breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to puthis penis in my mouth. FML
Today,I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off ofme, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. Heshouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML
Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidently drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiance that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML
Today, I found out I won a 20 000 or 30 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML
Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML
Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML
Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML
今天，我父母因为我“说了句脏话”而惩罚我用肥皂洗嘴。我都快19了。我说了句“靠”。FML
Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn't raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML
Today, my parents won't stop bragging about how my sister is dating the captain of her high school football team. I just got accepted to law school. FML
今天，我父母不停地吹嘘说我妹妹正在和学校美式足球队队长约会。我刚刚被法学院录取。FML
Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML
Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML
Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex. FML
Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say "Oh man, you're gonna make me cum" to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FML
Today, I went to get a sports physical at a hospital. My nurse was morbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through the tests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling my genitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn't a test listed. FML
Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my p*** stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus 软妹子d everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML
Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML
Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML
Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML
Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML
Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML
Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML
Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion. FML
Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML
Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML
Today, as I was bagging groceries at Dominicks, I looked down to see a 6 year old urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told his mother that he should take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to "mind my own god damned business." I was later fired for arguing with the customer. FML
Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML
Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off of the $1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and an bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $24,000 in bills. Really. FML
Today, one of the psych patients I work with on a locked unit looked into my eyes and told me lovingly that I reminded him of his sister. The sister he killed after he raped her. FML
Today, I called my fiance and found out she is 9 weeks pregnant. I had been in Iraq for over 6 months. I also found out her and her new boyfriend already spent most of my $30,000 re-enlistment bonus on a new car and a trip to Las Vegas. FML
Today, there are two restaurants gang fights, and other unrelated people are gone, only I did not move, watching them smile.
I feel very cool.
Suddenly,....FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML
应该是
今天，我女友甩了我跟别人了。就在一个小时前，我才从她老爹那里得到求婚许可。FML
Today I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver, they drank too much and on the way home hooked up in the back seat. FML
Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him I had none, he yelled angrily "who comes to this city without money?" I replied "apparently, you do." Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FM
Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML
Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML
Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML
Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my 软妹子s. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the 软妹子s are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life. FML
Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML
Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend's and my parents suddenly ask if I'm gay. I reply that no, I'm bisexual. My mom then asks if I've ever made out with someone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns to my dad and says 'I told you so. You owe me $20'. My parents bet on my sexuality. FML
Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML
Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn't wearing a watch. FML
Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten minutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunity to share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In great detail. FML
Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then told me I'd get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, "I want my prize on the kitchen table!" It was her mom who'd just got back from work. FML
Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was gay. The executor read it out loud. My mom was the only one who knew. FML
Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML
今天，我发现就算你的男友向你求婚，也不意味着他婚礼的时候就一定能来。FML
Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML
Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML
Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML
Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have sex with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML
今天，我问了交往了将近十个月的男友，他最希望和哪五个女人OOXX。我排第三。我妈排第二。FML
Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML
Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML
Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. It got to an intense sex scene. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. He put it into slowmotion. We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. FML
Today, I was cuddling with the guy I like. I looked into his eyes and said, "Your eyes are so blue, like the ocean." He replied by saying, "Your eyes are so brown... like my shit". FML
Today, my husband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML
Today, my boyfriend of seven months dumped me because if he 'ever wanted to get married', he wants to 'marry a virgin.' I lost my virginity to him. FML
Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML
今天，一只蚂蚁蛰了一下我的JJ。这是有史以来第一张碰过我JJ的“嘴”。FML
Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her trip. In the New Zealand Airport I recieved a text message saying she wanted to break up with me. I live in Michigan and just spent $1,500 for this romantic surprise. FML
Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML
Today, my wife has been singing "I can't get no satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, all morning. She started singing it right after we had sex. FML
今天，我老婆一早上都在唱滚石乐队的《我得不到满足》。她在我们OOXX完就开始唱。FML
Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML
Today, I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were gonna have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal she asked, "What does he like?" I'm straight. My parents thought different. FML
Today, I came home a day after my birthday, and was greeted by my mother who told me "oh I have birthday present for you." She explained that she and my father went on a hike, and handed me my present. I got a f***ing stick for my birthday. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend is pregnant and then decided to break up with her. Why? We're lesbians. FML
今天，我得知我的女朋友怀孕了。于是我决定和她分手。你问为什么？因为我们是百合。FML
Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor's new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML
Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you f***inag cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML
Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML
Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn't tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML
Today, my boyfriend was in the shower, and I decided to go join him. I took all my clothes off and stepped into the bathroom. I slipped on some water, and ended up hitting my head on the toilet and passing out. When I came to, I saw my boyfriend's dad looking over me in his towel. Wrong person. FML
Today, I was working as a swim 软妹子uctor for kids. Teaching them not to be afraid of the water, I put my face in the water and blew bubbles. I asked them to try it. All of them did, except for one. I went right to him and blew bubbles again. He then said to me, "but I just peed in that water." FML
Today, I learned that my wife had sex with another guy. She met him while we were on a trip in another state for marriage counseling. The reason we were in marriage counseling was because she had no desire for sex, and we had gone for two years without it. FML
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I was at the Wild Animal Park. There were bees everywhere. One brave bee, thinking he was Mr. Macho, flew right down my tank top in between my boobs. I freaked the hell out and ended up screaming and pulling down my shirt to get the bee out. I flashed about 10 kids and their families. FML
Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML
Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML
Today, while driving home with my parents. I pretended to be asleep so mum wouldn't talk to me. They then took this time to describe what they were going to do to each other when they got home. In full detail. FML
Today, my dad somehow found some pictures of my boyfriend having sex with some girl and went on a rampage about how pissed he was that he was cheating on me. I had to explain to my parents that I was the girl in the pictures. FML
Today, I was in the car with my husband complaining about the way I look. His response, "Babe, if I cared about the way you looked I wouldnt have married you." FML
Today, I found out that my husband made a replica of our family on The Sims 3. I also found out he killed me off a couple weeks ago and made a new wife, KiKi. FML
今天我发现我老公在模拟人生3里建了个我们家。我还发现几星期前他就在游戏里把我杀了，找了个新老婆，叫KiKi。FML
Today, I was having really bad diarrhea. I sat down on the toilet and heard a plop, thinking it was just me going to the bathroom. After I was finished, I look in the toilet to see my iPhone sitting in a pool of diarrhea. FML
Today, I was going to surprise my boyfriend at his family birthday celebration with a $2,000 trip he's always wanted, Ireland. Right before my gift, he had opened his mother's gift, an envelope containing a plane ticket. Guess where it was going? FML
Today, I was checking out my boyfriend's facebook profile. I saw that he had just taken the "How long will it take for your girldriend to realize you're cheating on her?" Quiz. FML
Today, I received a letter in the mail stating that I had won a trip to Cancun, Mexico. It looked like a scam so I threw it away. I later found out that it was a birthday present from my cousin and the envelope also contained a check for 5 thousand dollars to help cover some expenses. FML
Today, my mother invited me to a nice restaurant to meet her boyfriend whom she's been seriously dating for a month. Imagine my surprise when she led me to a table and my boyfriend's father stood up, shocked, to greet me. Rather than being horrified, she is now planning double dates every week. FML
Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to have sex with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past 4 months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML
Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML
Today, for our one year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to make me a patchwork blanket. The thing is, the patches were stains from bedsheets from where the 'wet spot' was. He thought it was romantic. FML
今天，为了纪念我们恋爱一周年，我BF决定给我做一个拼布毯子。问题在于，那些拼布的素材都是床单上他打飞机留下的精痕。他觉着那样挺浪漫。FML
Today, I came home to find my dad crying. Turns out my parents are getting divorced because my mom had an affair. With a teacher at my school. A female teacher. And the school isn't going to fire her because she's a good teacher. Every day at school I'm going to have to see her. FML
Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend in town. We broke up a year ago because he "moved" to Florida. FML
今天，我遇见了我的EX。我们一年前分手了，因为他要“搬去佛罗里达”。FML
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML
今天我准备在湖边我买的船上向GF求婚。正当我们在船上欣赏着周围的湖光山色时，她傲娇地把我推进了湖里。当我爬回船上时，我发现不仅我的手机报废了，那颗大钻戒也掉进了湖里。FML
Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status 软妹子. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML
Today, my boss told me he is a superhero. He has written countless comics about his crusades and adventures. I make fifty dollars an hour less than him. FML
Today my husband's rich aunt and uncle came in town and handed us an envelope and said we hope this helps out with the student loans. Inside the envelope was just an article on new student loan procedures and how to get lower payments. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and refused to give me back the condoms I'd just bought. Why? Because she wants to use them with the guys she's been cheating on me with. FML
今天我GF和我分了，而且还不还给我我掏钱买的TT。为啥？因为她想和她劈腿的那位一起用。FML
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I got reservations for a romantic dinner, and at the end, fireworks would spell out my proposal. The whole thing had taken weeks to plan out and had cost me a lot of money. She proposed to me at a subway station first. FML.
Today, I thought my boyfriend of 6 years was going to propose to me. We're highschool sweethearts and he was my first. Just when he was looking into my eyes he says, " I've been seeing someone else for 2 years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision". FML
Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML
Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for me and my girlfriend. I was trying that move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and the girl both slurp the same piece of spagetti and end up kissing. Only when I tried it, my spagetti went down too far in my throat and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. We did it in his bedroom where he had all of his anime models on display. I accidentally knocked over one of his models and it fell on to the floor. He got angry and kicked me out. Apparently, making his models look good was more important than us making love. FML
Today, I was talking to the girl I've liked for 2 years. We were assigned partners for a History project so we were going to work on it at my house. When she asked me for directions, I told her I lived on Woodcock Road. She yelled slapped me and stormed off. I was serious. FML
Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML
今天我才明白，别以为你BF答应你结婚，就真的会在婚礼上出现了。FML
Today, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it says "I'm here for the quicky". Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could have sex with another guy. FML
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. On our way to the Space Needle I was pulled over and promptly arrested. Apparently, I had recently purchased a car from a man who had robbed a jewelery store. The ring is now evidence. FML
Today, I found out that my wife gave me head lice on purpose so I would have to cut off the ponytail that I've been growing since '99. FML
今天我才发现我头上的那些跳蚤是我老婆故意放的，就为了让我剪断我从1999年就开始留的马尾辫。FML
Today, I received a "diamond ring" in Mafia Wars (a facebook app) from my boyfriend of 3 years. Along with the ring came a message. It read, "Will you marry me?" He was serious. FML
Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML
今天我和我很着迷的某人去了星期五餐厅，在要吃完的时候，侍者送来了账单和薄荷糖。我吃了一粒，他说了一句逗我笑的话，我开始咳嗽，薄荷糖卡嗓子眼儿里了。咳了一阵我终于把那玩意儿弄出来了，薄荷糖从我喉咙里飞了出来，打到他的额头，掉进了他的饮料里。FML
Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because "god told him to." What god didn't tell him was that I would check his e-mail and find all the e-mails to and from his new girlfriend. FML
Today, my wife gave me back my camera which she took on vacation to visit her parents with our 2-year old. I noticed the picture sequence had big gaps in the numbering. I ran an un软妹子 on the card, and found 80+ pictures of her naked with another guy in her mom's bedroom. FML
今天我老婆把她和我们两岁的孩子去拜访她父母时借去的相机还给我了。我发现照片编号的数字很大，就用恢复文件恢复这张记忆卡，结果发现80多张她光着身子和另外一个男人在一起的照片，还是在她妈妈的卧室里。FML
Today, I proposed to a girl I'd been in love with for 6 years. I filled the balcony of the building where I'd first laid eyes on her with innumerable roses and, under the starlit sky, I did it. She later posted on facebook 'OMG. This geek I knew from high school did the FUNNIEST thing today'. FML
Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying "I didn't wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML
Today, I asked the girl I am in love with out on a date. She asked me for my name. FML
今天我问我深爱的女孩儿能不能出去约会。她问我你的名字是什么。FML
Today, my best guy friend set me up on a blind date. Almost immediately after the guy and I sat down, he excused himself to make a call. A couple of feet away from our table, I heard him say, "Come on, Justin, this is the best you could do??" Over the phone. Justin is the guy who set us up. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me to a movie after days of not seeing me. This long awaited date involved me paying for food and my movie ticket when he ran out of cash again. He then dumped me as we left the theater walking to his car. Well, I financed my own breakup date. FML
Today, my wife and I decided to try a relationship book. The first activity was to write down some things your partner does that bothers you. I made a very long list, then my wife and I swapped papers. She'd written, "nothing, I love everything about you." She read my list and began tearing up. FML
Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML
河南
Today, after 9 months in our relationship, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. We had incredible, mind-blowing sex. An hour later, he broke up with me because apparently "my orgasm face is ugly." FML
北京
Today, I began my job volunteering at an orphanage in Beijing, China, working with 7-year-olds who just started learning english. We played a game where, if you got caught, you had to sing a song. I got caught, so I chose the ABCs. They all knew the song perfectly, I missed 3 letters. FML
北京
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to dissapoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower of my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML
天津
Today, I was the best man at a wedding and I was flirting with a cute bridesmaid. Then this old guy decides to give the newlyweds a toast. He made a crappy joke and barely anybody laughed. So I say to the girl "Wow that sucked, who the hell does he think he is?" The girl replies "That's my dad". FML
今天我在一婚礼上做伴郎，并且成功地勾搭上了一漂亮伴娘。然后有个老头给新郎新娘敬酒，他讲了个很屎的冷笑话，根本没人笑。我对那伴娘说：“真够烂的，他以为他谁啊？”她说：“我爸。”FML
北京
Today, I returned home from college and saw a framed picture of my parents and my younger sister on an elephant in an exotic jungle. I pointed to the picture and asked my mom, "Is this some photoshop job?" She responded, "No, we went to Thailand for a family trip, didn't we tell you?" FML
上海
Today, I daringly tried that fish bath thingy (the one where all the fish come to you and eat all of your skin's dead cells). I submerged into it and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, 20 of the fish died. FML
今天我毅然决然地尝试了鱼啄浴（就是会有很多医生鱼来吃你身上的角质那种）。我浸在水中、充当了15分钟的人体自助餐后，发现有20条鱼死了。FML 作者: apollo540305 时间: 2009-08-03 21:05
继续继续
Today, I was riding my motorcycle. Suddenly, I saw my cheating ex-wife walking down the road. As a sign of anger, I spat my gum towards her. I forgot that my helmet's visor was still down, so when I spat, the gum stuck against it. I was temporarily blinded and I crashed into the bushes. FML
今天,我在騎摩托車.突然,我看到我出軌的前妻在路邊走著.出於憤怒,我把口中的口香糖吐向她.但是我忘記了我的安全帽帽遮還是蓋著的.所以當我吐的時候,口香糖粘在了上面讓我看不到前方.然後我一頭連車撞進了路邊的灌木叢中
Today, my mom asked me if I was crying because my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. That wasn't why I was crying. My mom knows things before I do. FML
今天,我媽問我哭了的原因是不是因為我的男友對我不忠,還和我最好的朋友搞上了.但那並不是我哭的原因,因為我還不知道這件事情.
Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She also confessed that she has been cheating on me with my best friend for 10 years. I appreciated the honesty, but was slightly upset considering we have only been married for 9 years. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he was going out tonight to celebrate his ex-but-still-friends-girlfriend's birthday at a local club and hopes I wasn't offended that I wasn't invited. I sure am offended; we have the same birthday. FML
Today, I was at work doing phone computer support helping a woman with her computer. I asked her to close all her open windows. She 软妹子d all the important company 软妹子s in the open folder instead. I got fired because "close windows" and "软妹子" have become "too technical" for users. FML
Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML
Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML
Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML
Today, I got a letter in the mail about my periodic health assessment for active duty Soldiers. I came back positive for two curable STD's that are extremely common on Fort Polk. I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife. FML
Today, it was my fifth wedding anniversary. After an intense lovemaking session, my husband looked lovingly into my eyes and asked, "How do you feel about polygamy?" FML
Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML
Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was"Best positions for a small penis." FML
Today, my younger brother, who is 15, had to show me the quickest way to take off a woman's bra. I'm 12 years older than he is. FML
今天，我15岁的弟弟，教我怎么用最快的速度脱掉一个女人的胸罩。老子比他大12岁。FML
Today, I was working at the gas station. An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank. A really beautiful girl walked by. I lost concentration and overfilled the tank. I quickly pulled it out and squirted the old lady with a bit of petrol. She was smiling and gave a slight moan. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML
今天我在和BF看电视的时候心血来潮地给他打飞机。在他喷发过后，我想要尝试一个我在A片里学到的动作——用牙齿帮他把拉链拉上去。结果他的包皮卡在拉链里了，接下来的几小时我们都在急诊室里度过。FML
Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around and asked, "Have you had sex yet?" I said no, which is true. My dad cracked up and said, "Told you so!" My mom frowned, took out her wallet, and handed him 20$. My parents bet on my nonexistent sex life. FML
Today, I was in charge of throwing a party for my mom. I told my little brother he was suppose to blow up the balloons which were in my dresser. Apparently, he accidentally found all my condoms, unknowingly, and decorated the house in prophylactics instead of balloons. Happy Birthday, Mom. FML
Today, I was flirting with this cute girl from Croatia that is part of the my exchange group in Holland. After a few beers and some smooth talking, she led me inside to a closed off room. We were about to have sex when her boyfriend of 2 years called and proposed to her. FML
今天我和一个很赞的克罗地亚姑娘调情，我们在荷兰是一个交流生小组的。在喝了点小酒又调了调情之后，她把我带到一个房间里。正当我们准备准备做爱的时候，她两年的男朋友打电话来，向她求婚，FML（我觉得这个要fuck his life）
Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML
Today, it was my boyfriend and my six-month anniversary. I've really fallen in love with him, and I know he loves me the same. So I got him a really nice gift, a watch he's had his eye on for as long as I've known him. It was expensive. What does he get me? A condom. Three actually. FML
Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML
今天我醒来的时候，发现我睡觉的时候在暴操我的枕头。我妈把整个过程给录下来了。FML
Today, I was watching a movie with my parents. They were both on the bed, and I was lying on the floor next to their bed. Halfway through the movie, apparently forgetting that I was in the room, my parents started getting friendly. Three feet away from me. FML
今天我和我爸妈在看电影。他们在床上看，我躺在他们床边的地上看。看到一半的时候，他们开始演示创造我的过程——很显然他们忘记我也在屋子里了。我就在边上啊。FML
oday, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML
（下面这条同意的有5K人，说活该的有10W……）
Today, I sent pictures to my ex of me and my new boyfriend in bed. He sent them to my dad. FML
今天我给我EX看我和我新BF做爱的照片。他把照片转发给我爸爸了。FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. It turns out that it was a camera. My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. She saw the whole thing. FML
Today, I finally had sex with a girl I've been dating for over a month. Before we got started she told me not to worry about the birth control because she could handle that. So after we finished I asked her what kind of birth control she used. She said she meditated. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML
Today, my mom's car broke down after leaving the movies. We were waiting on a corner for my dad when a cop pulled up to us. He started to arrest me and my mom for "soliciting sex." Even a cop thinks my mom dresses like a hooker. FML
Today, I went out to dinner with my brother. There was a very attractive man sitting a few tables away who kept glancing at me. When my brother excused himself to the bathroom, the man worked up the courage to come over and introduce himself to me. He asked me if my brother was single. FML
Today, is the first day of my honeymoon. It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids... Day one, I got my period 7 days early. FML
Today, was my boyfriends birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend's virginity. A few minutes in she remarked, "If this is what sex is normally like then I'm seriously disappointed." FML
今天我把我女朋友给破处了。几分钟后，她告诉我：“如果这就是做爱的话，我真的很失望。”FML
Today, my husband and I were having sex in the shower while our 5-year old was sleeping. Apparently, she wasn't sleeping and she asked me what those loud noises were. I told her I was singing. Now I can't get her to stop "singing" in the shower. FML
Today, my girlfriend of ten months sent me a picture message of her making out with a guy. Under it, it read "you can pick your stuff up in the morning." FML
Today, I was having sex with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. I missed. I smacked my balls instead. Real hard. FML
Today, I let my on-again, off-again boyfriend spend the night. For months we had been fighting about his new flame. After he convinced me that they are no longer an item, we had the most mind-blowing sex then we fell asleep. I awoke to him moaning her name. Followed by pelvic thrusts. FML
Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML
Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent causing the girl to scream and runaway. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML
Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, "No Brandon! I don't want to have sex!" My wife won't have sex with me when she's awake OR in her dreams. FML
今天我醒来的时候听到我老婆在梦呓：“不要，布兰顿！我不要做爱！”我老婆不管是在现实生活还是在梦里都不要和我做爱。FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that I look better in different kinds of light. I asked him which kind of light I looked best in. His reply? "No light at all."
今天，我BF说，我在不同的光线下看起来更好看。我问他那种光线下我最好看，他说，没光最好看~
Today, I came home from work late (2:30am). As I snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiancee half awake said "No, no... Dan will be home soon." I am Dan. FML
Today, I hooked up with a girl from the bar. We went back to my place and started making out, I took off her shirt and bra and started kissing her breasts. I felt her chest hair tickle my tongue. FML
Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML
Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML
Today, I was cleaning out my bedside table when I came across some condoms I bought on my 18th birthday, to use the first time I had sex. They expired five years ago. I'm still waiting for my first time. FML
Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML
Today, I went to the Verizon because my phone was broken. It hadn't rang in 3 weeks. I hadn't gotten any text messages either. So, I got to the store they check out my phone. They told me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my phone. No one had called me in 3 weeks. Then they charged me $30. FML
Today, me and my girlfriend were heading back to her place. On the way there, she was rubbing and stroking me. When we got there, I asked her mom for a congrats hug. I forgot I had a hard on from my girlfriend. She felt it. FML
今天我和我GF去她家。在开车去的路上她一直在掳我。到她家后，我和她妈妈来了个友好的拥抱。我忘了我还勃着。她妈妈感觉到了。FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice "oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML
Today, I found out my parents joined the mile high club. While I was on the plane. FML
今天在和爸妈一起搭飞机的时候，我发现他们有加入“千尺欢爱俱乐部”。FML
Today, I went to a chinese restaurant with my asian girlfriend. When she went into the bathroom I practiced saying "Can we have sex" in chinese which is where she is from. After saying it a few times out loud, a waiter walked by and stared at me. When he gave me the check he included his number. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 2 years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML
Today, I was surprised to learn that I could carry on intelligent conversations about basketball with my guy friends. Then I realized it was because my boyfriend insists on watching ESPN while we have sex. FML
Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML
Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML
今天我在看一个动物电影。突然，两只蜗牛出现在了画面上。我硬了。FML
Today, I found out that the guy i've been having sex with for over a month didn't know my name until today. No wonder he always ever called me 'baby.' FML
今天我才发现和我做爱超过一个月的那个男人一直不知道我的名字。难怪总他叫我“宝贝儿”。FML
Today, I looked down to see a tiny spider crawling on the inside of my leg, very close to my crotch. When I tried to brush it off, it only flew a couple inches because it was making a web between my legs. Even a spider knew that it's been awhile. FML
（这是个女的）今天我朝下看，发现一只蜘蛛在我的大腿内侧爬，很靠近我那里。当我想打掉它的时候，它飞行了几英寸，因为它正在我的腿间织网。连蜘蛛都知道我这里好久没用过了。FML
Today, I saw a couple of beetles doing it. Jealous, I quickly crushed them with my boot while screaming, "IF I CAN'T DO IT, NOBODY WILL!" All the little kids playing on the local playground, including parents supervising them, gave me dirty, confused looks. FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML
Today, I went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor went through the normal questions, then paused for a moment and jotted something down. Later when I got back my report from the checkup, I noticed that the doctor had checked the "no" box by "sexually active." She didn't even ask me that. FML.
Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops, looks directly at me, and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN!" and proceeds to flip me over, grab his clothes, and run out of my room. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house.I've been a vegetarian for 4 years, and his mother made lasagna with meat in it. After telling her I don't eat meat, my boyfriend's father proceeds to say "we know who's meat she does eat." My boyfriend, his mother, and I were standing right there. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to throw me against the wall and kiss me like they do in the movies. Being all aggressive and smooth, he grabs my shirt and pushes me. He pushed a little too hard and my head was thrown back into the wall. I was knocked out for ten minutes. FML
Today, I met a really hot guy at a bar. We talked for a while and really seemed to hit it off. We ended up going to my apartment. He stopped and said, "Clean up this mess and maybe we could do something another time." I am a complete neat freak - my apartment had been robbed and trashed. FML
Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's penis, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML
今天我女儿在我洗澡的时候走进来，她说：“嘿，你的那话儿和迪伦的一样大呢！”我女儿见过迪伦的那话儿了。迪伦的那话儿和我的一样大。我女儿和迪伦都是7岁。FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML
Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML
Today, I was feeling horny at work all day so I texted my wife tellng her nasty things I wanted to do with her when we got back. When I came home, I was all aroused and ready to pounce. She gave me a handjob. While watching 'wheel of fortune'. FML
Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML
Today, I haven't had sex for so long that my condoms have gone off. FML
太久没做爱了——我的TT都不见了。FML
Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML
今天我和我GF用经典的69位造爱。我没能控制好自己——我的气体全跑进了她的鼻子里。FML
Today, I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back... She carried on moaning even though I'd stopped moving. FML
今天我和GF做爱。我们活塞运动了一会儿，然后我停下来，喘口气……而她没有停止呻吟。FML
Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML
今天我和一个女孩儿做爱，她在高潮的时候大声哭喊：“原谅我上帝！原谅我上帝！”FML
Today, I caught one of my cats humping my huge dog while he was asleep... I'm sleeping with the door closed from now on. FML
今天我发现我养的猫当中的一只在我养的大狗睡觉时对它做活塞运动……我决定以后睡觉都要关门。FML
Today I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites- and ended up meeting my own girlfriend. FML
今天我去一个偷情网站注册了——然后看到了我自己的女朋友。FML
Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML
今天我GF告诉我她不想啪啪啪，因为太费时间了。FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad (one of my roomates name) when I came. Now her and her friends think i'm gay and my roomate Brad moved out. FML
Today, the girl I'm in love with told me she might be a lesbian. She then asked me if I wanted to have sex with her. I asked if she was 100% sure she was a lesbian? Her reply was: "No, I just think you'd be a good transition". FML
今天我爱的女孩儿告诉我她可能是蕾丝边。然后她问我愿不愿意和她做爱。我问她你确定你是拉拉吗？她说：“不，不过和你在一起可以帮我过渡到真·拉拉。”FML
Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. At that point I noticed my phone had fallen out of my pocket in the street and was run over by several cars. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML
Today, I was running on a soccer field and accidently dropped my gum from my mouth. No one had noticed so I picked it up and started chewing again. It was a different flavor. FML
Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his $20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML
Today, I was going running. It was an especially windy day and things were flying through the wind. Apparently, bodily fluid can a*so fly through the wind. Turns out, a women was barfing over a bridge and the wind caught it and it flew through the air. Right into my face and body. FML
Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML
Today, is my long-anticipated 21st birthday! Today also happens to be the first day of my period. I've spent the whole morning in the fetal position with agonizing cramps, reduced to tears and whimpering while the painkiller refuses to kick in. Happy birthday! Love, my uterus. FML
Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant, I'd forgotten my glasses and had a migraine. I was straining my eyes, squinting and rubbing my temples to alleviate my migraine. I was kicked out of the restaurant and banned henceforth because my waitress thought I was mocking her eyes. FML
Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML
Today, I got T-boned by a woman going 60 mph. I was unconscious for hours while a tube was inserted into my collapsed lung. Upon waking up my 16-year old brother thought it would be hilarious to yank out my leg hairs. FML
今天，我被一个女人60码了。我昏迷了几个小时，穿孔的肺上插了根管子。我醒来了以后，就看到了我那个“拔你的腿毛真TMD好玩啊”的16岁弟弟。FML
Today, a friend offered to have sex with me, since I'm a 19 year old virgin who's only been kissed. He then added on that I would have to give him my Wii in return. FML
Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML
Today, my 8 year old little sister said "f you" to my mom. My mom thought I told her to say that and grounded me for a month. Later, my sister came up to me and said "Gotcha, bitch." FML
Today, my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. I was last and I was the smallest. I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. They now call me "the stereotype". FML
今天,我的朋友们和我决定比一比谁的那话大.我是最后一个而且是最小的.我是朋友中唯一的亚洲人.现在他们叫我"成见(对亚洲人的)".
Today, I was riding the subway to work. Barely anyone was on because of how early it was. Me and this one guy in a trench coat were in the same cart. His stop came. He walked by me, flashed me, rubbed his penis on my arm, and then ran away really fast. FML
Today, I was nude modeling for the first time for a life art class. The only criteria for the class was that I not move at all while being observed. After a few seconds I noticed a really hot girl drawing me. I got a hard on. FML
Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML
今天，我那笃信教的祖母正巧碰到我在ZW。她准备把我送到圣经夏令营里去。FML
Today, my mother told me she needed a urine sample to send in to the doctors to test for any allergies. I did what she had asked and went to my room. I came down stairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML
Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother". FML
Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML
今天，我才发现我妈在我和我哥们十岁的时候，给了他20刀来雇他当我的朋友。FML
Today, while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been. She replied : "Trying to lose your virginity." FML
Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML
Today, my mom came into my room to have a heart to heart talk.
My dildo was sitting on the nightstand.
I didn't notice until she told me to make sure the dog didn't get it.
FML
今天,我老妈来我房间与我进行一次心灵深处的谈话.我的ZW用具放在了床头柜上.我没有注意到这点直到我妈告诉我要小心那东西被DOG拿去了.FML
Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML
Today, I found out that my brother was selling pictures of me showering. For what? World of warcraft money. FML
今天, 我发现我哥哥/弟弟在卖我洗澡的照片. 为了什么? WOW的钱. FML
Today, I got hypnotized at my school's variety show. Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy doing, I began to violently hump the floor. FML
Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My team mates waved and said "Bye POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot. FML
Today, I took a test as part of a job requirement. I took a sip from a bottle of juice, and the lady leading the test gave me a warning. I tried to explain that if I didn't, I would faint. She took the bottle and hid it. 15 minutes later I collapsed. She thought I was faking. I'm hypoglycemic. FML
Today, I was going on a plane to Chicago. My passport picture is 6 years old, and back then I was a beautiful model. Now, I gave birth to a child and gained 50 lbs. When I showed my passport to the airport atendents, I got arrested for stealing someones passport. FML
Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML
Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML
Today, I was at the mall with some friends. In the food court we passed by this creepy pervert feeling up a woman. I take a closer look and realize with horror that the guy is my dad in sunglasses and a hat. The lady he was with was not my mom. FML
Today, my mom came to wake me up because my alarm didn't go off. She brought my dog in to wake me up and he came and laid on bed. I started to rub what i thought was his neck and playing with a random tuft of fur. I soon realized that it was his penis. I gave my dog a handjob. FML
Today, I had a terrible dream where my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. I woke up almost crying and called him just to tell him how much he means to me. Turns out my dream gave him that little extra push he needed to confess he's been cheating on me. With his ex. FML
Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had payed the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML
Today, I overheard my parents having sex. Trying to be the reasonable person I was, I dismissed it, realizing that sex is just normal. I quickly walked past their room when my cat ran past me into their room, cracking open the door. Now my parents think I was peeping and need therapy. FML
Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to f*** off. FML
今天，在婚礼彩排的时候，我妈跟我丈母娘说了句滚NMLGB。FML
Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML
Today, I was walking up to girlfriends house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic i surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and i watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriends mom in the face. FML
Today, I woke up to 70 new text messages and 100 calls all from numbers I didn't know. The night before I got into a heated argument with my old best friend about who was prettier. She got mad and posted my number on craigslist.com as a prostitute. Apparently I won. FML
Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on facebook was FML. FML
Today, I found the source of the bad smell that has been plaguing me for the past two weeks in my apartment. The police knocked on my door asking if I've seen my neighbor recently. I haven't. The smell has been that of a dead person. It's a smell that even Febreze can't remove. FML
Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML
今天，我走进浴室的时候发现我的姐姐在清洗她的ZW器。用我的牙刷。FML
Today, I filled out a political survey for a psychology experiment. A really cute girl was doing it, too. We hit it off and flirted through the surveys, and I asked her out when it was done. Then I found out it was really an attraction experiment and she was in on it. She was acting. FML
Today, I got a text message. It said, "I'm so drunk. What you up to, girl?" It was my dad. FML
今天，我收到了条短信。上面说：“我喝醉了。你有事吗，宝贝？”是我爸发的。FML
Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven't slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML
Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML
Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML
Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more phone credit, so I bought her more and got another message saying "Great, now I have enough credit for this..." as she spelled out a three page message breaking up with me. Yes, I paid for her to break up with me via text. FML
Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML
Today, I went out to a nice restaurant for my friend's birthday. I went to the bathroom and heard the woman in the other stall crying. She couldn't pull her underwear up over her obese, old-lady ass because her arms don't reach that far anymore. I was the only one there. I had no choice. FML
Today, I was with a group of friends at a bar, and we were all talking about whether we were moaners, screamers, or quiet during sex. My boyfriend said that he was a moaner, which I contradicted. Completely straightfaced, he said, "Well, I am when it's good." FML
Today, I was about to get it on with a girl in the bathroom of my friend's house at a party. Just when things started getting heated, a pipe burst. Literally. There was water everywhere and everyone had to evacuate the building. I was cockblocked by poor plumbing. FML
Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML
Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML
今天，我妈决定向我介绍她的新男友。我认识他。我和他上过床。FML
Today, I went to visit my fiance's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML
Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML
