apollo540305

http://tieba.baidu.com/f?kz=615298757

FML即 F*** my life的缩写，直译的话就是“艹，我的生活烂透了……”
在你感到不舒心的时候去这里，你会顿时发现生活原来没有最倒霉，只有更倒霉。

地址：fmylife.com

Today,I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then Ipicked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application.Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong dayfor 16 years. FML
今天，我在邮箱里收到了我的护照。他们把我的生日搞错了。然后我找到了我一起送去申请护照的出生证明。结果我发现我的父母16年来一直在错误的一天给我过生日。FML


Today,I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I waswearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me andgrabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

今天，我在上课的时候睡觉。我的JJ石更了，而且我穿的是很宽松的裤子。我的老师走了过来一把抓住了我的JJ——她以为那是我手机。FML




Today,I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around theblock to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving herroom... my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

今天，我听见了我的姐姐在她的房间里面ZW。为了逃出去，我带着狗出去遛了遛。我回来的时候正巧碰见她出来，手里拿的东西是——我的电动牙刷。FML


Today,this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me thatwhen I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'mconfined to a wheelchair. FML

今天，一个我认识了很久的很性感的女人跟我说，如果我能站着和她做，她就和我做。我残疾坐轮椅。FML




Today,I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, hescreamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's notBrittany. That's his sister. FML

今天，我在和我的男朋友OOXX。当他要丢了的时候，他突然声嘶力竭地大喊“太棒了Brittany！！”我的名字不是Brittany.Brittany是他的妹妹。FML



Today,my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of apotential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' intogoogle, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virginboy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm ayoung guy. FML

今天，我老板叫我去他的办公室，要给我看一个可能成为我们的商业伙伴的公司的网站。当他在谷歌里面打“Virginia”这个词的时候，网站把他的搜索自动补完成了他最近才搜索过的词条——“小处男的菊花”。我明天就要和他一起出差。我是个年轻男人。FML


Today,I asked my boyfriend to come over for dinner because I had some bignews. He said he did too, and came over. After stuffing his face fullof food, he broke up with me and said he'd re-enlisted into themarines, leaving in two weeks. I was going to tell him i'm 9 weekspregnant. FML

今天，我让我男朋友来我家吃饭因为我有个大消息要告诉他。他说他也有个大消息要告诉我。在他吃得差不多的时候，他说要和我分手因为他两个星期以后就要去海军陆战队报道了。我准备告诉他我已经怀孕9个星期了。FML


Today,I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying tohave a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news.When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I sawhim making out with a man. FML

今天，我发现我怀孕了。我已经和老公试了很长时间，所以我等不及要把这个好消息告诉他。当我推开他的办公室的门准备给他一个惊喜时，我看到他和一个男的在亲热。FML




Today,my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I toldher 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

今天，我的女儿问我我是什么时候破处的。当我告诉她是22岁时，她立马大喊道：“我赢喽！！”她今年才13。FML


Today,my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he wasonly able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

今天，我结婚9年的老公告诉我说他是搞基的。他甚至还暗示我说，他和我在一起的时候能硬起来，是因为我长得比较爷们。FML


TodayI noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddlyresembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doingshe said "I'm pretending to be mommy from last night." I was on abusiness trip last night. FML

今天，我发现我女儿在模仿很奇怪的、听起来像我老婆在OOXX时发出的声音。当我问她你在干嘛的时候她说“我在学我妈咪昨晚的声音”。我昨晚出差。FML


Today,my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with herfriends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her familylives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were verygood) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horsefarm. FML

今天，我老婆要和我离婚因为她想和她的狐朋狗友们多玩一玩。一年前，我跟着她来到了她老家挪威。我离开了我的朋友，家庭和一份很好的工作，就是为了和她一起住。现在我TMD在一个马场铲马粪。FML


Today,I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER. When Iarrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attack whilehaving sex. FML

今天，我接到一个电话说我的未婚夫被送进了急救室。当我赶到急救室的时候，他们告诉我说原因是他在和某人OOXX的时候心脏病发作了。FML
Today,my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She saidshe's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in thefuture. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML

今天，我交往了三年的女友离开了我找了个新男友。她的理由是她需要找一个可靠的未来的经济后盾。没错那个哥们确实是有一个卖手机的亭子。但是我就要在医学院就读了。FML


Today,my teacher demanded to talk to my dad because she thought he wasn't agood enough male role model because i'd misbehaved. i told her he haddied of cancer in 2005. She said that my lie was rude, disgraceful, andthat i should be ashamed, then gave me a detention. He actually diddie. FML

今天，我老师要求和我爸谈话因为她认为我爸没给我起到一个好的榜样作用。我告诉她我爸在05年就死于癌症。结果她说我的谎言很粗鲁，没人性，不害臊，然后把我留校了。我爸是真的死了。FML


Today,I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was goingthrough it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name.So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are secondcousins. FML

今天，我有个做张家庭族谱的作业。当我在做的时候，我意识到我的父母的姓其实是一样的。所以我去问他们这是不是个巧合，结果他们告诉我说他们实际上是表亲关系。FML



Today,I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turnsout I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

今天，我咬了一下我男友的脖子。我感觉到什么东西流到了我嘴里。结果我发现我是把他脖子上的一个大痘子咬破了。掉进了我嘴里。FML



Today,I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucksand got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having agood time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon,this will be plump with my seed." FML

今天，我第一次和这个男生出去约会。我们去了星巴克，聊着天，很愉快。突然，他把他的手放到我肚子上说：“不久之后，这里就会被我的种子灌满”。FML



Today,I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleeping pills but Idecided last minute not to take them. I woke up to my boyfriend kissingmy neck and unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening my eyes, I whispered"ooh this is so romantic." He blurted out shocked, "Oh...you'reawake?!" FML

今天，我打算打个盹。我男朋友给了我一些安眠药但是我最后没决定吃。我迷迷糊糊地醒来的时候发现他在亲我的脖子，解开我的衬衫。我闭着眼睛低语道：“嗯……真是浪漫。”他震惊道：“啊。你醒着呢？！”FML


Today,I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and satnext to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on myshoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before mystop came. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30minutes. FML

今天，我做公车去上班，后来旁边坐着个慈祥的老奶奶。公车到一半的时候，她睡着了，脑袋枕在了我的肩膀上。为了做个好青年，我在我的车站到之前才轻轻地打算弄醒她。实际上，这一路上她根本没在睡觉。也就是说，我让一个死人在我身上躺了30分钟。FML


Today,I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano.Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On mypiano. FML

今天，我以为我听到了我的小妹妹在玩我的新的大钢琴。我十分生气，跑下楼去制止她。结果我发现声音的来源是我父母在我的新钢琴上OOXX。FML


Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

今天，我给我男友发短信说：“Hi”。他的回复是：“我把你最好的朋友肚子搞大了”。FML


Today,I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past yearresearching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set anautocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't noticeuntil after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML

今天，我上交了我的博士论文，我花了半年的时间做调查来写这篇论文。昨晚，我的室友在微软WORD里面的“自动更正”里面把“也不是(neither)”这个词全改成了“黑鬼(nigger)”。我一直到交了论文以后才发现。更糟糕的是我的教授就是个黑人。FML




Today,my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turnedaround to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said'Now, do me'. FML

今天，我男友和我决定试试X菊花。当他结束了以后，我转过身来，发现他面带微笑地拿着一个绑在腰带上的橡胶JJ，对我说：“现在来X我。”FML


Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML

今天，为了给我哥们庆祝生日我们第一次来到了脱衣舞俱乐部。我也发现了我的女友的工作是什么。FML

Today,I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex forone month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks aremy honey moon. FML

今天，我发现因为我的血压太高，我一个月都不能OOXX。我的婚礼是下个星期，然后接下来的两个星期是蜜月。FML


Today,at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose,I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. Hetold me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall rightinto my mouth. FML

今天，我去牙医那里洗牙。我抬头看着他，发现有鼻涕往他的嘴唇上滴。我试图慢慢地挪开，他告诉我“别动！”结果他说话的动作导致那大块鼻涕径直掉进了我嘴里。FML


Today,I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is nowengaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when Ibecame pregnant. I'm going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnantwith his child, at their wedding. FML

今天，我发现我已经怀孕三个多月了。孩子他爸现在已经和我最好的朋友订婚，在我怀孕的时候他一直和她有一腿。我将会是他们婚礼上怀着新郎的孩子8个月的伴娘。FML


Today,I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to seeif I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded forstaying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love.I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20minutes. FML

今天，我和我的祖父母睡在一个屋子里面。他们先是来确认我睡没睡着。为了不被责怪成熬夜，我就假装睡着了。结果，他们是想要OOXX，所以才来确认我是不是睡了的。我亲眼目睹了两个70岁老头老太太在我旁边的床上OOXX的情形。FML


Today,while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. Hetold me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn'tfeel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women'srestroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female.FML

今天，我在外面吃饭的时候，饭店经理来找我谈话。他说虽然他很尊重我的个人选择，但是他的顾客们对于一个“曾经是男人”的女人用女卫生间感到非常不舒服。也就是说，他们以为我是个变性人。而我是个天生的女人。FML


Today,I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and washorrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tapeand looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I wasconceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML

今天，我在翻看我父母的旧的家庭录像。我把其中一个放进了录像机，惊恐地发现那里录着我的父母在做爱做的事。我立刻弹出了录像带并且看了看那上面的标签。上面写着：“百慕大，1989”。他们曾经告诉我说我就是在那个时候的百慕大群岛上被怀上的。我看到了自己被怀上的情形。FML



Today,I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our firstdate. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned myboyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marleyringtone started playing from the bush. FML

今天，我自己一人来到了我和我男友第一次约会的地方：一个孤僻的山上。我注意到有另一对情侣藏在灌木丛中亲热。于是我打电话给我男友，想要告诉他说有人找到了属于我们的秘密幽会地点。然后我就听到了我男友手机的Bob Marley的彩铃声从那堆灌木里飘来。FML



Today,this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated upand we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thingI knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when shestopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML

今天，我和一个女孩在我公寓里面打发时间……然后我们都来了感觉，就开始亲热。一步接着一步，然后我知道她要准备给我KJ。我正做好爽的准备，她突然停了下来，抬起头来望着我的眼睛说……“你信耶稣吗？”FML



Today,I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for asurprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door openand say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kissesme on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night",and leaves. FML

今天，我被我老爸突然造访我宿舍的敲门声所吵醒。我把门打开对着在门外的他打招呼，这时候我的室友脱光了衣服拉开了门，亲了我的脸颊，用一种超级搞基的声音说“昨晚你真棒”以后跑了。FML




Today,I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of thebathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips,wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on theedge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML

今天，我光着身子站在床边，等着我老婆从浴室里面出来。她打开了浴室的门走向我，扭动着她的腰，什么都没穿。当她离我有四英尺的时候，她在地板垫上跌了一跤，而且用了我的JJ来稳住身形。FML


Today,I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents havingsex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a goodlong while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off theheadphones just in time to hear them finish. FML

今天，我躺在床上试图睡着，可是就在此时我听见了我父母在OX。所以我戴上了耳机听音乐。听了好长好长一段时间之后，我想他们应该已经完事了，所以我摘下了耳机。结果我刚好赶上他们结束那一段。FML


Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

今天，我老板发了条短信把我炒了鱿鱼。我没给手机申请短信包月。也就是说我花了25美分来被炒。FML


Today,I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friendexplaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulledover in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explainedwhat happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone whiledriving. FML

今天，我在高速上开车的时候接到了一个电话，得知了我两个最好朋友因交通事故而死。我歇斯底里地把车快速在道边停下，然后过来一个交警问我怎么了。我解释了一切，结果他给了我一张罚单，说是因为我在开车的同时使用手机。FML

Today,my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there,he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. Hesent me home so he can play. FML

今天，我男友和我决定在他的家里OOXX。我们到了以后，他先去看信箱里面有没有信，然后就发现他订购的Wii的游戏到货了。他把我送回了家因为他更想玩游戏。FML



Today,I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They askedme how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

今天，我拜托我父母帮我报名加入军队。结果他们问我的是如果我死了，政府能补贴多少钱。FML


Today,I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers anddinner at her apartment. After i knocked, a handsome young man answeredthe door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized only to hearmy girlfriend's voice call from the background: "Baby, who's there?" FML

今天，拿着鲜花和晚餐，打算给我认识了两年的女友一个惊喜。我敲了敲她公寓的们——然后一个英俊的年轻男人打开了门。我以为我敲错了门，道了歉转身准备离开的时候，我听到了我女朋友的声音——“宝贝，门口的是谁？”FML


Today,I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walkedinto the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw mehe simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. FML

今天，我打算给我上大学的男友一个惊喜。我走进了他的宿舍，发现他和另一个女的躺在床上。他看见了我，说了句：“愚人节快乐！”那天是3月19号。FML


Today,my friends approached me and accused me of being anorexic cause i'vedropped a lot of weight lately. I swore to them that i wasn't anorexic.They jokingly asked "Do you have cancer or something?" All i could dowas stare at my feet. That wasn't exactly how i wanted them to findout. FML

今天，我的朋友怀疑我得了厌食症因为我最近掉了很多秤。我对他们发誓说我没得厌食症。他们开玩笑说：“那你是得了癌症什么的吗？”我除了盯着我的脚不知道以外不知道该如何反应——我并没指望他们以这种形式发现我得了癌症。FML



Today,I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at thepeak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-IMISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was insideher. FML

今天，我在用手指X女友。她在高潮顶点的时候突然哭了起来。我问她发生了什么事，她回答说：“我——我——我——我想他！！”她是为了她的前男友在哭。我当时还在她体内。FML


Today,I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I'm gay. When I wastyping the email address in the "to:" field, it autocorrected theaddress to my mother. She just responded: "you filthy faggot". FML

今天，我发了封邮件给我最好的朋友，告诉他我是同志。当我在输入“发送到：”那一栏的时候，系统给我自动更正成了我妈的邮件地址。她只回复了一句：“你这肮脏的蛆虫。”FML


Today,my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't.About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking aroundand I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML

今天，我男友和我决定做爱做的事。我是CN，他不是。30秒以后，他倒在了我的身上。我以为他在开玩笑，就笑了几声。他没在开玩笑。他干完了。FML


Today,my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thoughtit was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled outmy tampon. FML

今天，我卫生棉在我的泳装旁边露出了一点点。我男友以为那是我比基尼多余的线头。于是乎他在大庭广众之下把我的卫生棉拉了出来。FML


Today,I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, andthat I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, usethem, im going to bed xoxo". FML

今天，我给我6个月的男友发了条短信说我很想要，而且我躺在床上光着身子。他回了封信说：“你长了手指头，用它们，我去睡觉了亲爱的”。FML



Today,my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed likean eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and askedme, "what do I do now?" FML

今天，我男友和我第一次OOXX。在等待了非常长的一段时间之后，他终于进来了。这时他停了下来，问道——“好了，现在我该怎么办？”FML


Today,I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding inJune. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by our dog. FML

今天，我接到电话说我不再是6月份婚礼的伴娘了。那婚礼是我妈的第四次婚礼。当她伴娘的将会是我家的狗。FML



Today,I opened my mail to find my Brown acceptance letter. Excited, I showedmy dad who just laughed and said 'what, it's not like it's Harvard'. Noone in my family has ever gone to college. My dad didn't even graduatefrom high school. FML

今天，我打开了邮箱发现我被布朗大学（美国常春藤盟校之一）录取了。我兴奋地告诉了我爸，他笑笑说：“啥啊，又不是哈佛。”我家里人除了我没人上过大学。我爸甚至高中都没毕业。FML


Today,I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing Icould hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finallygoing to tell her I love her!" I got really excited, deciding i lovedhim too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'mKayla. FML

今天，我听到了我交往3个月的男友和他的朋友聊天，它们不知道我能听到他们。“就是今晚了”，我男友说，“我要告诉她，我爱她！！”我非常兴奋，感觉我也非常爱他。然后他的朋友就说：“太好了。可是，凯拉怎么办？”我就是凯拉。FML


Today,it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one wasmy fiancee, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my bestfriend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancee forthe past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me ahappy birthday. FML

今天是我生日。我一整天只接到三个电话。第一个是我的未婚夫，说他要把订婚戒指拿回去。第二个是我最好的朋友，向我坦白说过去三个月来她一直和我的未婚夫行为不轨。第三个是我牙医的办公室，给我唱《祝你生日快乐》。FML


Today,after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found mycar doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on mywindshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson. Don't f*** with me." I'mTyler, Jackson is my co-worker. FML

今天，下班以后，我去停车场准备开车回家。我发现我的车的门被划伤得很厉害，我所有的车胎都被扎了。挡风玻璃上留着一张字条写着：“草NM，杰克逊。别耍老子。”我是泰勒。杰克逊是我同事。FML



Today,I came home to find my mum on the phone to the doctor. When she hung upI asked what had happened. She said they found a sexually transmitteddisease in my bloodtest, and then she began to call me a slut. I'm 14,and am still a virgin. After 5 mins of crying, she tells me she wasjoking. FML

今天，我回到家，我妈在给医生挂电话。我问她怎么了。她说医生在我的血检里面发现了一种性病，然后她说我是个婊子。我14岁而且还是处。大哭了5分钟以后，她告诉我说她只是在开玩笑。FML


Today,my son looked out of the window and said "what's that piece of shitdoing on our driveway?" It was the new car we were trying to surprisehim with on his 16th birthday. FML

今天，我儿子望向窗户以外问道：“在车库门前停着的那坨垃圾是毛？”那是我打算送给他的，他16岁生日的新车。FML



Today,a 7 year old girl randomly came up to me and told me to f*** myself. Itold her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her momhappened to be nearby and actually heard this conversation, she came upto me and told me to f*** myself as well. FML

今天，一个7岁的陌生小女孩突然走向我，跟我说“滚泥马。”我告诉她注意自己的口气，否则我就告诉她父母。她妈妈就在附近，而且她恰好听到了了我们的对话。于是她突然走向了也我跟我说了句“滚泥马”。FML


Today,I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today.His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know whatthat meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found outhe's talking about a new Pokemon game. FML

今天，我发短信给我的男友，问他到底想不想今天来亲热。他的回复是“不行，白金今天出。”我一开始没听懂，于是我去搜索了一下“白金，2009年3月22号”。结果我发现他是在说最新的口袋妖怪游戏。FML



Today,for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. Thewoman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

今天，我人生的第一次——让一个女人看到了我的JJ。我30了。那女的是我的医生。她打了个鼾来盖住她的大笑声，然后道了道歉。FML



Today,I turned 18. Nothing was said at breakfast, but I figured they'dremember and we'd have cake at night. I came home and there was cake,but not for me. My sister got her period for the first time during theday and they were celebrating. Apparently, a vaginal discharge was moreimportant. FML

今天，我18岁了。早餐的时候没人吱一声，但是我想他们会记住，晚上我就有蛋糕吃了。我晚上回家看到了一个蛋糕——但是不是给我的。他们是在庆祝我的妹妹第一次月经来潮。很明显，他们认为一次生理反应比我的18岁生日更重要。FML



Today,I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half thesize of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom'swalk-in closet. FML

今天，我看到了我家新房子的图纸。我的屋子是旁边那个屋子大小的一半。“那个屋子”是我继母的大衣橱。FML

Today,I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided totake a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide opensince breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to puthis penis in my mouth. FML

今天，我感觉有点病了，呼吸很不舒畅。我决定打个盹，嘴巴大张着因为呼吸很困难。我醒来的时候，发现我男友试图把他的那个放到我嘴里。FML


Today,I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off ofme, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. Heshouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML

今天，我在和我男朋友OOXX。突然，他从我身上跳下来，大喊：“该死，该死！”我很着急，问他怎么了。他大吼：“我忘了设定TiVO了！”（一种电视录像装置）. FML

[ 本帖最后由 apollo540305 于 2009-08-03 21:06 编辑 ]

apollo540305

Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidently drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML

今天，我第一次去看我女朋友的父母。我第一次不小心开过头了，但是看到了他们全家在外面等我。我调了个头，然后就听到了砰的一声。他们全家的人看着我压扁了他们的狗。FML


Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiance that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML

今天，我在和我交往了9个月的女友OOXX。有人给她打电话，她决定去接。给她打电话的是她的未婚夫——我完全不知道有这号人。她在我还在她的体内的时候说：她订婚了。FML


Today, I found out I won a 20 000 or 30 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

今天，我发现我赢了份20000 - 30000的奖学金。在屋里和我家人跳上跳下庆祝了半个小时以后，我们才意识到这信是寄给另一个和我们姓一样的人的。我们和她联系上以后，她说这事真是奇怪，因为她收到的是我的拒信。FML


Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

今天，我想拿个套套因为我的男友和我打算第一次OX。当我打开抽屉时，我看到每个套套都被一个耶稣形象的别针扎破了。盒子上面有个字条：“爱你的妈妈。”FML




Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML

今天，我老爹问我借电动剃须刀因为他想要“给我妈一个惊喜”。我非常想看他把他留了几乎一辈子的大胡子剃掉，于是我很高兴地答应了他。半个小时以后，他从洗手间出来了。胡子还是好好的。FML


Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML

今天，我父母因为我“说了句脏话”而惩罚我用肥皂洗嘴。我都快19了。我说了句“靠”。FML



Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn't raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML

今天，我坐在公车上去联谊会。我坐在公车第5排，感觉到有雨点从窗外飘进来。然后我意识到那不是雨点，而是第1排有个女的吐了，她吐到窗外的东西从我的窗户飞了进来。FML



Today, my parents won't stop bragging about how my sister is dating the captain of her high school football team. I just got accepted to law school. FML

今天，我父母不停地吹嘘说我妹妹正在和学校美式足球队队长约会。我刚刚被法学院录取。FML


Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML

今天，我们要从学校拿毕业纪念册。我翻到了我的简历那一页，发现他们把我的名拼错了。我的名是James（詹姆斯）。他们拼成了Lames（烂透的）。FML




Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML

今天，我第一次和我的新男友一起淋浴。昨天晚上是我们一起度过的第一晚。我在洗头的时候，我向下看去，注意到了有“黄水”。也就是说，我的脚一开始感觉到的温暖的水不是从喷头里出来的。FML

Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex. FML

今天，我被逮捕了，因为我6岁的儿子打电话叫警察，说我把我的妻子打得哭了。我和我老婆当时在OOXX。FML


Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a new mountain bike for his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried it quietly up to his bedroom. As I opened the door I heard my son say "Oh man, you're gonna make me cum" to the nice girl he was on top of. He just turned 14. FML

今天，我提前下班回家，买了辆新的山地车来给他个生日惊喜。为了让他吃一惊，我蹑手蹑脚地来到了他的房门前。我一开门就听到他对他压在身下的女孩说：“哦，天哪，我要S了。”他才刚14。FML


Today, I went to get a sports physical at a hospital. My nurse was morbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through the tests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling my genitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn't a test listed. FML

今天，我去医院做运动体检。我的护士肥的要死而且非常难看。她说她会检查所有单子上写的部分。她做了一切她能做的，甚至包括检查我的JJ部分。体检结束以后，我看了看那张单子。里面没有生育器官检查。FML


Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my p*** stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus 软妹子d everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML

今天，我打开电脑查看我的AV收藏。但是，文件夹除了“我的最爱”文档以外全都空了。我以为是病毒删了所有的东西，但是很庆幸“我的最爱”文档没被删。我打开了以后，看到里面是一个我父母的录像教育我说“SY是不对滴”。FML


Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML

今天，我看到了一对女同性恋在购物中心里逛。其中一个在繁忙的过道里走向我，然后开始大喊盯着她们是怎么怎么地粗鲁，还有不管性取向如何所有的人都应该是平等的。我盯着她们的原因是我也是搞百合的，而且我觉得她们很靓。FML



Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML

今天，大概晚上十点多我在道上开车。我前面车里的乘客向窗外扔了什么东西。拿东西径直打在了我的挡风玻璃上。那是个套套。用过的套套。而且用完没系。JY在你开快车的时候散开得很快。FML


Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML

今天，我搭我新男友的车。他有“很重要的事”要告诉我。然后他多愁善感地向我讲述了他如何对SY上瘾。细节具体生动。行程是两个小时。FML



Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML

今天，我才发现我的新学生宿舍的墙，是多么的薄。它们如此之薄，以至于我能听到我隔壁那个恶心的哥们一边一遍又一遍地念叨着我的名字，一边大力SY的声音。FML



Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML

今天，我在和我的小弟弟打篮球。在开玩笑般地阻挡了他一下之后，他转过来跟我说“你TM的婊子。”他才6岁。我问他他是在哪里听到这个词的，他回答说：“爹地在你不在的时候这样叫你。”FML


Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML

今天，我裸身躺在床上，被蒙上了眼罩。我告诉我的男友他把我怎样都行。30分钟以后，我下了床发现他在电脑室打魔兽。他队友需要他。FML


Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion. FML

今天，我在学校表演戏剧。在我的独角戏闪亮登场之前，我注意到了有几个女孩在后台换衣服——于是我小弟弟high了。那场戏是《耶稣基督超级巨星》，我就是演耶稣的。我身上只穿几块布。于是乎，所有观众都看到了：耶稣在被钉上十字架的时候可耻地硬了。FML

Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML

今天我在家睡觉因为我生病了。离我最近的厕所是在我父母的房间。我有点想吐所以我就起来了，我跑到我父母房间的厕所里，然后看到他们在OOXX。大吃一惊，吐了他们一床……




Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML

今天我在和一个刚认识的女孩OOXX，大约5分钟之后，她说她想上厕所，所以我们被迫停止。大概等了10分钟，我决定进去看看她怎么样了。进去一看，窗户是开着的，她逃走了。卧槽= =


Today, as I was bagging groceries at Dominicks, I looked down to see a 6 year old urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told his mother that he should take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to "mind my own god damned business." I was later fired for arguing with the customer. FML

今天我在多米尼克杂货店帮顾客装袋，向下一看，我擦，一个6岁小孩在我鞋上撒尿。我告诉他妈应该带她的小孩去厕所小便，我唯一得到的回应是：管好你自己的吊事。接着我就以“和顾客发生纠纷”被开除。卧槽！



Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

今天，当一个正妹进电梯的时候电梯里只有我一个，当时她正在打电话。她和她朋友说：“我得挂了，电梯里有个帅哥~~”在我有任何反应之前她说：“对不起，我撒谎了，我只是真的很想把那个电话结束”卧槽= =！！


Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML

今天，我在和我男友OOXX，他很清楚我喜欢他在我脖子上喘气、呼吸的感觉。当我快要丢的时候他把他的嘴唇放在离我脖子/耳朵1毫米的地方，说：“我喜欢的你那闻起来像我祖母房子的味道~~”，卧槽！



Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off of the $1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and an bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $24,000 in bills. Really. FML

今天我去快餐店点了一份一元餐想要省钱。五个小时之后我因为食物中毒被送到医院。在一天的禁食、排泄、冒顶、考试、挂了一堆水之后，我那$1的汉堡花费了我$24000，真的！！卧槽……


Today, one of the psych patients I work with on a locked unit looked into my eyes and told me lovingly that I reminded him of his sister. The sister he killed after he raped her. FML


今天，一个和我一起工作的精极度紧张患者在一个被锁的房间里看着我的眼睛、深情的说：你让我想起了我的妹妹。（那个被他被他先X后杀的妹妹）。卧槽！！



Today, I called my fiance and found out she is 9 weeks pregnant. I had been in Iraq for over 6 months. I also found out her and her new boyfriend already spent most of my $30,000 re-enlistment bonus on a new car and a trip to Las Vegas. FML

今天我打电话给我的未婚妻并发现她已经有了9个月身孕。我在伊拉克带了将近6个月……我还发现她和她的新男友把我那30000美金的入伍抚恤金花的差不多了——买了辆新车、去拉斯维加斯度假。卧槽！




Today, there are two restaurants gang fights, and other unrelated people are gone, only I did not move, watching them smile.
I feel very cool.
Suddenly,....FML

今天,餐馆有两伙人打架，其他无关的人都跑掉了，只有我没有动，微笑的看着他们。

我觉得自己非常酷。

突然有一个人指着我说：打他们老大！我刚要说我不是，一个酒瓶子就把我头打开了花。然后几个人过来揣我。另一伙看他们在打不认识的人竟然也不帮忙。

我快被打半死时警C来了，还把我当成主犯拉回去审讯。刚才才被家长领回家。

我现在悟出了一个非常深刻的道理，就是：没实力，千万别装B!



Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

今天，我第一次和自己真正喜欢的人OOXX。我把我的上衣的乳支撑器脱掉，他说：“我擦，这太令人失望了。”擦



Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML
应该是
今天，我女友甩了我跟别人了。就在一个小时前，我才从她老爹那里得到求婚许可。FML



Today I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver, they drank too much and on the way home hooked up in the back seat. FML


今天我和俩我感兴趣的男生泡吧。第一个是我这个学期一直想约的人，第二个是和我吃过一次饭、看起来还不错的男生。我被指定为司机，他们喝的是在是太多了，然后他们俩就在后座上勾搭上了……汗

Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him I had none, he yelled angrily "who comes to this city without money?" I replied "apparently, you do." Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FM

今天一个流浪汉向我要硬币我没给他，告诉他我身上没有，他非常生气的向我吼道：没钱谁TM来这个城市啊？ 我回答 “很明显，你就是” 这个答案显然不对，他跟在我身后一直尖叫 FML



Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML

今天我和老妈感慨事实上和我发生过关系的男的都不超过2个月，她问我为什么，我回答：因为我偏激，强势，保守，还有顽固。为了鼓励我，她说 至少你还是诚实的 FML



Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML

今天我在一个公园里散步，看到一群孩子在踢球， 其中一个把球踢向了我，很幸运的是我把球接到了。 然后我把球丢下踢回去喊到：“接好了” 球打到了一颗书上弹回来，命中我的脸 FML



Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML

今天我在洗澡的时候，男朋友忽然跳了进来，我们有一点点小兴奋地时候 老妈的手穿过了帘子 把套套丢在了浴池里，说：注意安全啊孩子们 FML



Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my 软妹子s. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the 软妹子s are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life. FML

今天我在厨房里安装好了摄像头想看看谁偷了我的饼干， 结果我看到了老妈和她的男朋友，好消息是饼干很安全，坏消息是 我看了一些我这辈子都不想看到的事 FML



Today, after my girlfriend of 2 years left me for another guy, I got stuck in an elevator for 3 hours. With both of them. FML

今天和我相处2年的女朋友离开了我和另一个男人好了， 然后我在电梯里面卡了3小时，和他们2个一起 FML



Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML

今天，卡尔加里轻轨车厢挤满了人；我旁边的一个流浪汉被挤得死死地顶着我。他专注地盯着我看，上车两分钟以后他就硬了=_=——于是乎车厢每次颠簸和转弯的时候，那东西都在摩擦着我。FML


Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend's and my parents suddenly ask if I'm gay. I reply that no, I'm bisexual. My mom then asks if I've ever made out with someone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns to my dad and says 'I told you so. You owe me $20'. My parents bet on my sexuality. FML

今天，我正准备出门去朋友家，我父母突然问我是不是搞基的。我回答不是，澄清说我是双性恋。我妈又问我曾经是否和一个同性别的人亲热过，我回答是。然后她就跟我爸说：“看，我跟你说过了吧。你欠我20块。”我父母拿我的性取向打赌。FML



Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML

今天，我在我的小弟弟偷看我朋友在卫生间换衣服的时候把他抓了个正着。我问他他在干嘛，他回答说：“雷(Ray)在你去卫生间的时候就这么做，我只是在学他罢了。”雷是我的新继父。FML



Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn't wearing a watch. FML

今天，我和一个我很喜欢的女孩出门去玩，然后我们晚上一起回到了我家。我们之间十分来电，于是最后OOXX了……男上女下。我非常之投入，可是在半途的时候她突然举起手腕说：“啊，看看都几点了。我得回家了。”她当时根本没戴表。FML




Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten minutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunity to share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In great detail. FML

今天，我上班要迟到了，所以我没去走那十分钟的路程而是打了辆出租车。这司机抓住这一大好时机，向我讲述了他第一次和男人OOXX的故事。具体而又生动。FML

Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

今天，我得从我的办公室走到我停车的地方，距离大概有三个街区远。在我准备转过最后一个街角时，一辆车超速驶来，我不得不赶紧跳到一边。我抬头的时候发现了——那车是我的。FML




Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then told me I'd get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, "I want my prize on the kitchen table!" It was her mom who'd just got back from work. FML

今天，我女友决定把我扒光并把我眼睛蒙上，然后告诉我说如果我抓住她就奖励我。于是我就蒙着眼睛，啥也没穿地四处瞎跑一直到我抓住了她。我大喊：“在厨房桌子上把我的奖励给我吧！”MLGB的我抓住的是她刚下班的妈妈。FML




Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was gay. The executor read it out loud. My mom was the only one who knew. FML

今天，我妈的遗嘱被宣告给了全家人。我在几年前帮助我妈写的；我会得到一笔资金来付助学贷款。她自己把遗嘱给改了，注明说我啥也得不到因为我搞基。遗嘱执行人把这段大声朗读了出来。本来只有我妈一个人知道的。FML



Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML

今天，我发现就算你的男友向你求婚，也不意味着他婚礼的时候就一定能来。FML


Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML

今天，我妈跟我说各种JJ有不同的大小，真是有趣。她也跟我说因为她一直在做荷尔蒙疗法，她能够体验的高潮比以往多多了。我们堵车堵了3个小时。当我打开收音机的时候，她把收音机关了，接着讲。FML


Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML

今天，是我的男友第一次来我家过夜。他硬了，我就在他的耳边耳语把他叫醒：“如果你现在让我做什么都行，你想要我做什么呢？”他的回答，“你能给我碗薄荷巧克力屑冰淇淋吗？”他想冰淇淋想到硬。FML


Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

今天，我男友和我在他的家里OOXX。大概30分钟后，他的妈妈回家了，敲他的房门问道：“你在干啥？”想着也许我有偷偷溜出去的可能，我蹑手蹑脚地穿起了衣服。结果这时我的男友就回答：“佐伊。我在干佐伊。”FML




Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML

今天，一张“在马里兰醉酒驾驶”的200美金的罚单被寄给了我。我从来都没因醉酒驾驶而被抓而且我压根就没去过马里兰。FML



Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

今天，我醒来以后发现我的狗丢了。我花了将近一个小时去找它，直到我那脑子有点问题的前女友发了张它的照片给我。她把它绑架了。开车到那里以后，她用油漆弹朝我的车开枪。现在我不仅没狗，还多了辆五彩斑斓的车。FML


Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have sex with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML

今天，我问了交往了将近十个月的男友，他最希望和哪五个女人OOXX。我排第三。我妈排第二。FML



Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML

今天，我的猫和我一起在浴室里。我脱了衣服准备冲个澡。猫在我脱光了衣服以后看了看我，然后就在小毯上吐得到处都是。FML

apollo540305

好消息，更新了


Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML

今天，我和我男朋友大吵了一架。我给他打了手机，在上面和他大吵大闹。他跟我说如果我不再想跟他了的话，现在就把电话关上吧。我刚想跟他说我仍然很爱他，不想分手的时候，我手机没电了。FML

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. It got to an intense sex scene. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. He put it into slowmotion. We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. FML

今天，我和我的男朋友一家看电影。电影演到了一处特别火辣的OOXX的镜头。当我看到他的爸爸准备用遥控器快进的时候，我感到很欣慰——可是他却（不小心）把电影调成了慢进。结果这镜头我们尴尬地看了将近三分钟，他才解决了这个问题。FML

Today, I was cuddling with the guy I like. I looked into his eyes and said, "Your eyes are so blue, like the ocean." He replied by saying, "Your eyes are so brown... like my shit". FML

今天，我在和一个我喜欢的男生亲热。我看着他的眼睛，说：“你的眼睛真蓝……像大海一样。”他回答，“你的眼睛真褐……像我的屎一样。”FML

Today, my husband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML

今天，我结婚了三年的老公跟我说他跟我求婚的唯一理由是因为那天他最喜欢的美式足球队赢了所以他喝醉了。我在三天前生的第二个孩子。FML

Today, my boyfriend of seven months dumped me because if he 'ever wanted to get married', he wants to 'marry a virgin.' I lost my virginity to him. FML

今天，我交往了7个月的男友把我甩了。因为他“如果要结婚的话，”他也要“娶一个处女”。我把我的处女给了他。

Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML

今天，一只蚂蚁蛰了一下我的JJ。这是有史以来第一张碰过我JJ的“嘴”。FML

Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her trip. In the New Zealand Airport I recieved a text message saying she wanted to break up with me. I live in Michigan and just spent $1,500 for this romantic surprise. FML

今天，我飞到了新西兰，去给我正在那里旅游的女友一个惊喜。在新西兰机场我收到了一条短信：她想要和我分手。我住在密歇根州，花了1500美刀，就为了这场浪漫的“惊喜”。FML

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

今天，我庆祝了我的21岁生日。我3年的男朋友给了我一个巨大的粉色ZW器。我以为这是个玩笑，就说：“只要你还在，我就用不上这玩意！”他的回答：“……这就是我想要和你谈谈的事情。”

Today, my wife has been singing "I can't get no satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, all morning. She started singing it right after we had sex. FML

今天，我老婆一早上都在唱滚石乐队的《我得不到满足》。她在我们OOXX完就开始唱。FML

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

今天，我去看我儿子的足球赛。我笑容灿烂地大声欢呼着他的名字。我看到他和他的队友耳语了几句，所以我在晚上又看了遍我老公的录像。他的朋友问的是：“那是谁？”我儿子回答：“我不认识的肥婊子。”FML

Today, I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were gonna have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal she asked, "What does he like?" I'm straight. My parents thought different. FML

今天，我决定把我的女朋友介绍给我的父母，就告诉他们晚餐的时候会有一位特殊的客人到场。我妈在做饭的时候问我：“他（注意是‘他’）什么样啊？”我取向正常。可我父母不这么想。FML

Today, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn't like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML

今天，我被炒了鱿鱼，因为一个客户投诉说她不喜欢我一直盯着她的孩子看时的眼神（暗指恋童）。我是个救生员。FAML

Today, I came home a day after my birthday, and was greeted by my mother who told me "oh I have birthday present for you." She explained that she and my father went on a hike, and handed me my present. I got a f***ing stick for my birthday. FML

今天，我在我生日的第二天回到了家。母亲来迎接我，告诉我说：“啊，我有个生日礼物要给你。”她解释说她和我爸去远足了，然后就把我的礼物给了我——于是，我MLGB的得到了根登山拐棍作为生日礼物。FML

Today, I found out my girlfriend is pregnant and then decided to break up with her. Why? We're lesbians. FML

今天，我得知我的女朋友怀孕了。于是我决定和她分手。你问为什么？因为我们是百合。FML

Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor's new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML

今天，我在帮我的邻居照看他家的新小狗。那天来了个特别大的雷暴，那小狗被吓得直叫，身体抖得厉害。我把它放到我的膝盖上试着安抚它。在一声巨大的响雷之后，那狗在我身上来了次爆炸性的腹泻，拉了我一身。FML

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you f***inag cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

今天，我听见我的女儿隔着浴室门向我儿子喊：“你又在里面ZW吗?!”然后我儿子喊了回去：“闭嘴，你个B!!”我女儿7岁，我儿子8岁。FML

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML

今天，我6岁的小女儿问我：“如果你和爹地死了我怎么办呢？”我告诉她她可能会去和昂特舅舅和艾琳舅妈去住。她看着我，说：“那你们死了就没事了。我不会哭的。我在那边想要啥就有啥。”FML

Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn't tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML

今天，我女朋友的朋友跟她说她看见我和一个很可爱的女孩买东西。我到家了以后我的女友就给了我一拳，问我那女孩是谁。很显然，她的朋友没告诉她那“可爱的女孩”是我三岁的小侄女。因为那拳我少了颗牙。FML

Today, my boyfriend was in the shower, and I decided to go join him. I took all my clothes off and stepped into the bathroom. I slipped on some water, and ended up hitting my head on the toilet and passing out. When I came to, I saw my boyfriend's dad looking over me in his towel. Wrong person. FML

今天，我的男友在淋浴，于是我决定和他一起洗。我脱光了衣服走进了浴室。我踩在水里滑了一跤，脑袋砸到马桶上晕了过去。我醒过来的时候，看到了我男朋友他爸爸包着浴巾看着我。我搞错人了。FML


Today, I was working as a swim 软妹子uctor for kids. Teaching them not to be afraid of the water, I put my face in the water and blew bubbles. I asked them to try it. All of them did, except for one. I went right to him and blew bubbles again. He then said to me, "but I just peed in that water." FML

今天，我在教小孩子游泳。为了让他们不怕水，我把脸埋在水里吹泡泡。我让他们都试试。所有的人都试了，除了一个以外。我走到他跟前，又给他做了次示范。结果他跟我说：“可是我刚才在那片水里尿了。”FML

Today, I learned that my wife had sex with another guy. She met him while we were on a trip in another state for marriage counseling. The reason we were in marriage counseling was because she had no desire for sex, and we had gone for two years without it. FML

今天，我知道我老婆和别人上床了，他和那人是在去别的州进行婚姻咨询的时候认识的，我们要进行婚姻咨询就是因为她性冷淡，而且我们两年没做了。FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

今天我和一个不认识的女孩上床了，我没TT怕她怀孕，但她保证到时候让我拔出来。就当我要拔出来的时候，她拿大腿缠住我，大叫：“做我孩子的爹吧！！！”FML

Today, I was at the Wild Animal Park. There were bees everywhere. One brave bee, thinking he was Mr. Macho, flew right down my tank top in between my boobs. I freaked the hell out and ended up screaming and pulling down my shirt to get the bee out. I flashed about 10 kids and their families. FML

今天，我在野生动物园。那儿到处都是蜜蜂。一只胆儿大的，觉着自个儿是曾哥呢，飞进了我的小背心在我双峰中间乱窜，我立马斯巴达了，一边叫一边把我的衣服扯下来，给大概10个小孩儿和他们的家长看见了。FML

Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML

今天我用太阳灯床晒自个儿，结果不小心把肚皮上晒伤了，我想缓解晒伤的痒，就去找些食物来抹在肚皮上，因为我们家没有芦荟。在试过了酸奶、牛奶和蛋黄酱后，我发现我们家的水给断了，没法儿洗澡。现在蛋黄酱和牛奶在我身上发臭。FML

Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML

今天我在房间里做健身操，我开始做一些非常大幅度的高抬腿，当我抬高一条腿的时候我的手机掉了出来，我向下看，结果膝盖打到了脸。接下来的几小时我就在急诊室里听医生告诉大家伙儿我的故事。FML

Today, while driving home with my parents. I pretended to be asleep so mum wouldn't talk to me. They then took this time to describe what they were going to do to each other when they got home. In full detail. FML

今天爸妈带我开车回家。我假装睡觉这样我妈就不会唠叨了。结果他们利用我睡觉的时间谈论他们回家后要做什么，怎么做。完整而详细。FML

Today, my dad somehow found some pictures of my boyfriend having sex with some girl and went on a rampage about how pissed he was that he was cheating on me. I had to explain to my parents that I was the girl in the pictures. FML

今天我爸找到了一些我BF和女孩儿做爱的照片，他暴躁地说老子要发飙了，这小子怎么可以这么对我女儿。我只好跟他说我就是照片上的那个女孩儿。FML

Today, I was in the car with my husband complaining about the way I look. His response, "Babe, if I cared about the way you looked I wouldnt have married you." FML

今天，我在车里和我老公抱怨自个儿长得不好看，他温柔地对我说：“亲爱的，我要是看重相貌就不娶你了。”FML

Today, I found out that my husband made a replica of our family on The Sims 3. I also found out he killed me off a couple weeks ago and made a new wife, KiKi. FML

今天我发现我老公在模拟人生3里建了个我们家。我还发现几星期前他就在游戏里把我杀了，找了个新老婆，叫KiKi。FML
Today, I was having really bad diarrhea. I sat down on the toilet and heard a plop, thinking it was just me going to the bathroom. After I was finished, I look in the toilet to see my iPhone sitting in a pool of diarrhea. FML

今天我拉肚子了，我坐下的时候听到了噗的一声，我想那可能只是坐下来发出的声音。在我拉完之后，我看看马桶，发现我的爱疯就在一堆稀屎的正当中。FML

Today, I was going to surprise my boyfriend at his family birthday celebration with a $2,000 trip he's always wanted, Ireland. Right before my gift, he had opened his mother's gift, an envelope containing a plane ticket. Guess where it was going? FML

今天是我BF的生日，我给他准备了一个价值2000美刀的旅程，他一直想去爱尔兰的。就在我要给他礼物之前，他妈给了他一个信封，里面有张机票，猜猜是去哪儿的？FML

Today, I was checking out my boyfriend's facebook profile. I saw that he had just taken the "How long will it take for your girldriend to realize you're cheating on her?" Quiz. FML

今天我在查我BF的facebook档案。我发现他刚做了“你GF要多久才能知道你在劈腿”的测试。FML

Today, I received a letter in the mail stating that I had won a trip to Cancun, Mexico. It looked like a scam so I threw it away. I later found out that it was a birthday present from my cousin and the envelope also contained a check for 5 thousand dollars to help cover some expenses. FML

今天我收到了一封信，告诉我说我赢得了去墨西哥坎昆旅游的机会。看起来像诈骗，我就把它给扔了。之后我知道那是表哥给我的礼物，而且信封里还有张5000美金的支票，给我花销用的。FML

Today, my mother invited me to a nice restaurant to meet her boyfriend whom she's been seriously dating for a month. Imagine my surprise when she led me to a table and my boyfriend's father stood up, shocked, to greet me. Rather than being horrified, she is now planning double dates every week. FML

今天我妈带我去了家很贵的馆子，让我见见她很认真交往了一个月的男朋友。看到我男朋友的爸爸坐在那张桌子旁时，我和他都震惊了。结果我妈不仅没震惊，还准备每周都搞四人约会。FML

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to have sex with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past 4 months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML

今天我接到了我BF的电话。他在局子里，因为他闯进了一个模特的家，企图和她OX，而他这四个月都在和这个模特劈腿。我是他的联系人，他希望我把他保出去。FML

Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML

今天我才知道，我GF常跟我说起的四个女性好朋友其实是电视剧“性欲都市”里的四个女主角。我女朋友居然有幻想朋友。FML

Today, for our one year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to make me a patchwork blanket. The thing is, the patches were stains from bedsheets from where the 'wet spot' was. He thought it was romantic. FML

今天，为了纪念我们恋爱一周年，我BF决定给我做一个拼布毯子。问题在于，那些拼布的素材都是床单上他打飞机留下的精痕。他觉着那样挺浪漫。FML
Today, I came home to find my dad crying. Turns out my parents are getting divorced because my mom had an affair. With a teacher at my school. A female teacher. And the school isn't going to fire her because she's a good teacher. Every day at school I'm going to have to see her. FML

今天我回家，发现我爸在哭。原来我妈和他离了，因为我妈有外遇了，和一个我学校的老师。一个女老师。而且学校不会开除她，因为她是个好老师。现在我每天都要在学校里看见我这个新“妈爸”。FML

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend in town. We broke up a year ago because he "moved" to Florida. FML

今天，我遇见了我的EX。我们一年前分手了，因为他要“搬去佛罗里达”。FML

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

今天我准备在湖边我买的船上向GF求婚。正当我们在船上欣赏着周围的湖光山色时，她傲娇地把我推进了湖里。当我爬回船上时，我发现不仅我的手机报废了，那颗大钻戒也掉进了湖里。FML
Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status 软妹子. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML

今天我在我朋友老爸的facebook相册里看他新上传的照片。我看到他在一个酒吧里和一个很丑的妓女在一起，而且他在每张照片里看起来都很享受。在经过10分钟对那个丑女人的惨无人道的嘲笑后，我发现那是我妈戴着假发。FML

Today, my boss told me he is a superhero. He has written countless comics about his crusades and adventures. I make fifty dollars an hour less than him. FML

今天我老板告诉我他是个超级英雄。他画了好多关于他的战斗和冒险的漫画。而我的时薪比这么样一个人要少50美元。FML

Today my husband's rich aunt and uncle came in town and handed us an envelope and said we hope this helps out with the student loans. Inside the envelope was just an article on new student loan procedures and how to get lower payments. FML

今天我老公的富有的大伯夫妇来到城里，给了我们一个信封，说他们希望信封里的东西能帮助我们解决孩子的贷款问题。信封里是一篇关于新生贷款程序和如何取得更低付款的文章。FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and refused to give me back the condoms I'd just bought. Why? Because she wants to use them with the guys she's been cheating on me with. FML

今天我GF和我分了，而且还不还给我我掏钱买的TT。为啥？因为她想和她劈腿的那位一起用。FML

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I got reservations for a romantic dinner, and at the end, fireworks would spell out my proposal. The whole thing had taken weeks to plan out and had cost me a lot of money. She proposed to me at a subway station first. FML.

今天我准备向我三年的女友求婚，我在一个很浪漫的馆子订了位子，并且在这顿饭的最后，烟花会把我的话给打出来。这整件事花了我好几个星期去计划、花了我一大笔钱。结果她今天先在一个地铁站向我求婚了。FML

Today, I thought my boyfriend of 6 years was going to propose to me. We're highschool sweethearts and he was my first. Just when he was looking into my eyes he says, " I've been seeing someone else for 2 years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision". FML

今天，我想我6年的男友将要向我求婚。我们高中开始就在一起，他是我的初恋。当他深情地凝望着我的时候他说：“我和另外一个女人交往两年了，我最终选择了你而不是她……这真是个艰难的决定。”FML

Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

今天我女友过来和我分手。她刚度假回来，她走之前让我喂她的狗，我喂了，我甚至经常陪着它们以免它们孤单。她不早点跟我分手就是因为她没人喂狗。FML

Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for me and my girlfriend. I was trying that move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and the girl both slurp the same piece of spagetti and end up kissing. Only when I tried it, my spagetti went down too far in my throat and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML

今天我给我和我GF做了碗意大利面。我从《小姐与流氓》学到了这招，男生和女生吸同一根面条，最后就可以浪漫地嘴对嘴。当我这么做时，我那头的意面一直深入到了我喉咙里让我犯恶心，我把它呕向了她。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. We did it in his bedroom where he had all of his anime models on display. I accidentally knocked over one of his models and it fell on to the floor. He got angry and kicked me out. Apparently, making his models look good was more important than us making love. FML

今天我和我BF在OX，我们在他的卧室里做，那里有很多他做的动画手办。做到兴头上我不小心撞到了一个手办，那玩意儿掉在了地上。他立马毛了，当时就让我滚蛋了。很显然，他丫的就是一死塑料小人宅。FML

Today, I was talking to the girl I've liked for 2 years. We were assigned partners for a History project so we were going to work on it at my house. When she asked me for directions, I told her I lived on Woodcock Road. She yelled slapped me and stormed off. I was serious. FML

今天我和我暗恋了2年的姑娘聊天，我们俩在一起做一个历史项目，所以我们准备到我家去做。她问我我家在那儿，我告诉她我住在木屌路。她给了我一巴掌，气愤的离开了。我真的住在木屌路。FML

Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML

今天我才明白，别以为你BF答应你结婚，就真的会在婚礼上出现了。FML
Today, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it says "I'm here for the quicky". Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could have sex with another guy. FML

今天我和一妞儿约会，她一边开车一边和某人发短信，然后在一个房子前停下来，叫我在车里等着。她忘带手机了，我看了最后一条消息，上面说：“我等不及要来一发了。”和我约会只是向她妈妈解释的借口，这样她才好和那个男人做爱。FML

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. On our way to the Space Needle I was pulled over and promptly arrested. Apparently, I had recently purchased a car from a man who had robbed a jewelery store. The ring is now evidence. FML

今天我准备向GF求婚。在我们去太空针塔（西雅图）的路上，我被警察叫停，而且立马就给逮捕了。很显然，他们把我和这辆车的前主人——现在我知道他是个珠宝大盗——搞混了。而我身上的钻戒就是证据。FML

Today, I found out that my wife gave me head lice on purpose so I would have to cut off the ponytail that I've been growing since '99. FML

今天我才发现我头上的那些跳蚤是我老婆故意放的，就为了让我剪断我从1999年就开始留的马尾辫。FML

Today, I received a "diamond ring" in Mafia Wars (a facebook app) from my boyfriend of 3 years. Along with the ring came a message. It read, "Will you marry me?" He was serious. FML

今天我在黑手党战争（一个facebook游戏）里收到了我交往三年的BF给我的一个“钻戒”道具。哦对了，还有条消息：“嫁给我好吗？”他是认真的。FML

Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML
今天我和我很着迷的某人去了星期五餐厅，在要吃完的时候，侍者送来了账单和薄荷糖。我吃了一粒，他说了一句逗我笑的话，我开始咳嗽，薄荷糖卡嗓子眼儿里了。咳了一阵我终于把那玩意儿弄出来了，薄荷糖从我喉咙里飞了出来，打到他的额头，掉进了他的饮料里。FML

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because "god told him to." What god didn't tell him was that I would check his e-mail and find all the e-mails to and from his new girlfriend. FML

今天我BF和我分手了，因为“这是上帝的旨意”。那么上帝没告诉他我会检查他的邮件并且发现他和新女友偷情的e-mail么？FML

Today, my wife gave me back my camera which she took on vacation to visit her parents with our 2-year old. I noticed the picture sequence had big gaps in the numbering. I ran an un软妹子 on the card, and found 80+ pictures of her naked with another guy in her mom's bedroom. FML

今天我老婆把她和我们两岁的孩子去拜访她父母时借去的相机还给我了。我发现照片编号的数字很大，就用恢复文件恢复这张记忆卡，结果发现80多张她光着身子和另外一个男人在一起的照片，还是在她妈妈的卧室里。FML
Today, I proposed to a girl I'd been in love with for 6 years. I filled the balcony of the building where I'd first laid eyes on her with innumerable roses and, under the starlit sky, I did it. She later posted on facebook 'OMG. This geek I knew from high school did the FUNNIEST thing today'. FML

今天我向一个我爱了六年的女孩儿求婚。我用玫瑰把和她初识那大楼的阳台给塞满了，然后，在幽幽星空下，我求婚了。她之后在facebook上发了这么一条消息：“这个我从高中就认识的臭宅做了件超超超搞笑的事儿”。FML

Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying "I didn't wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML

今天，我在一个我很喜欢的男人家参加派对。我们正聊着，他突然把我拽进了他的房间。我暗爽我们的友谊终于能进化到下一个阶段了，结果他拿了一瓶防臭剂给我，说：“我不想在过道里指出来，但你真的得用这个。”FML

Today, I asked the girl I am in love with out on a date. She asked me for my name. FML

今天我问我深爱的女孩儿能不能出去约会。她问我你的名字是什么。FML

Today, my best guy friend set me up on a blind date. Almost immediately after the guy and I sat down, he excused himself to make a call. A couple of feet away from our table, I heard him say, "Come on, Justin, this is the best you could do??" Over the phone. Justin is the guy who set us up. FML

今天我最好的男性朋友给我安排了一场相亲。就在我和他入座的时候，他跟我说他要去打个电话。周围某张桌子上有个男人在接电话，我听到他说：“拜托啊贾斯丁，你就找不到更好的了吗？”贾斯丁就是我那个男性朋友。FML

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me to a movie after days of not seeing me. This long awaited date involved me paying for food and my movie ticket when he ran out of cash again. He then dumped me as we left the theater walking to his car. Well, I financed my own breakup date. FML

好长时间没见面了，今天我男友想和我去约会看电影。这场我等了好久的约会要我自己买食物、买电影票，因为丫又没钱了。然后在看完电影之后他就把我甩了。FML

Today, my wife and I decided to try a relationship book. The first activity was to write down some things your partner does that bothers you. I made a very long list, then my wife and I swapped papers. She'd written, "nothing, I love everything about you." She read my list and began tearing up. FML

今天我老婆和我准备写一本感情小册子。第一件事就是写下你的伴侣让你反感的事儿。我列了很长的一张表，然后我们俩交换着看。她的纸上只写了一句话：“没有反感，我爱你的所有。”她看着我的那张表，哭了。FML

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

今天我花80加刀换了我的手机号码，因为我的前女友总是跟踪我。为了告诉所有人我的新号码，我给通讯录里的所有人发了条群发短信。这个“所有人”也包括她。FML
下面是中国专场

河南
Today, after 9 months in our relationship, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. We had incredible, mind-blowing sex. An hour later, he broke up with me because apparently "my orgasm face is ugly." FML

今天，在9个月的交往之后，我们一对儿处男处女终于把事儿办了。我们做了场爽到不行的爱。然后一个小时之后他和我分手了，因为我“高潮时候的表情太丑了”。FML

北京
Today, I began my job volunteering at an orphanage in Beijing, China, working with 7-year-olds who just started learning english. We played a game where, if you got caught, you had to sing a song. I got caught, so I chose the ABCs. They all knew the song perfectly, I missed 3 letters. FML

今天我在中国北京的一家孤儿院开始了我的志愿者工作，教一群7岁的小孩儿英语。我们玩你被抓住就得唱歌的游戏，我被抓了，所以我唱字母歌。结果他们都会唱字幕歌，我唱漏了三个字母。FML

北京
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to dissapoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower of my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML

今天我在我GF家吃晚饭。她妈妈给我一些风干的花椰菜，我不喜欢吃。为了不让我未来丈母娘失望，我偷偷地把花椰菜挪出盘子，倒给她们家的狗吃。结果那狗开始狂拉稀。FML

天津
Today, I was the best man at a wedding and I was flirting with a cute bridesmaid. Then this old guy decides to give the newlyweds a toast. He made a crappy joke and barely anybody laughed. So I say to the girl "Wow that sucked, who the hell does he think he is?" The girl replies "That's my dad". FML
今天我在一婚礼上做伴郎，并且成功地勾搭上了一漂亮伴娘。然后有个老头给新郎新娘敬酒，他讲了个很屎的冷笑话，根本没人笑。我对那伴娘说：“真够烂的，他以为他谁啊？”她说：“我爸。”FML

北京
Today, I returned home from college and saw a framed picture of my parents and my younger sister on an elephant in an exotic jungle. I pointed to the picture and asked my mom, "Is this some photoshop job?" She responded, "No, we went to Thailand for a family trip, didn't we tell you?" FML

今天我从大学回家，看到了一张我爸妈和我妹妹再森林里骑大象的照片。我指着照片问我妈说：“这是PS的吧？”她回答：“不啊，我们全家去泰国旅游了，没告诉你吗？”FML

上海
Today, I daringly tried that fish bath thingy (the one where all the fish come to you and eat all of your skin's dead cells). I submerged into it and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, 20 of the fish died. FML
今天我毅然决然地尝试了鱼啄浴（就是会有很多医生鱼来吃你身上的角质那种）。我浸在水中、充当了15分钟的人体自助餐后，发现有20条鱼死了。FML

apollo540305

继续继续
Today, I was riding my motorcycle. Suddenly, I saw my cheating ex-wife walking down the road. As a sign of anger, I spat my gum towards her. I forgot that my helmet's visor was still down, so when I spat, the gum stuck against it. I was temporarily blinded and I crashed into the bushes. FML

今天,我在騎摩托車.突然,我看到我出軌的前妻在路邊走著.出於憤怒,我把口中的口香糖吐向她.但是我忘記了我的安全帽帽遮還是蓋著的.所以當我吐的時候,口香糖粘在了上面讓我看不到前方.然後我一頭連車撞進了路邊的灌木叢中
Today, my mom asked me if I was crying because my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. That wasn't why I was crying. My mom knows things before I do. FML

今天,我媽問我哭了的原因是不是因為我的男友對我不忠,還和我最好的朋友搞上了.但那並不是我哭的原因,因為我還不知道這件事情.
Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She also confessed that she has been cheating on me with my best friend for 10 years. I appreciated the honesty, but was slightly upset considering we have only been married for 9 years. FML

今天我老婆告诉我她想离婚，她还承认她和我最好的朋友偷情10年了。我感激她的诚实，但也有点儿不爽，因为我们俩结婚才9年。FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going out tonight to celebrate his ex-but-still-friends-girlfriend's birthday at a local club and hopes I wasn't offended that I wasn't invited. I sure am offended; we have the same birthday. FML

今天，我BF告诉我他今晚要去一个夜总会参加他“分手后仍然是朋友”的前女友的生日聚会，他希望我不要因为没被邀请到而不爽。我当然有不爽。我和她生日是同一天。FML

Today, I was at work doing phone computer support helping a woman with her computer. I asked her to close all her open windows. She 软妹子d all the important company 软妹子s in the open folder instead. I got fired because "close windows" and "软妹子" have become "too technical" for users. FML

今天我通过电话服务帮一个女人修电脑。我让她把开着的窗口都关掉，她就把所有的重要文件都删了。然后我就被炒了，因为“关掉窗口”和“删除”对于用户来说“太技术性”了。FML

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML

今天我BF来我家“找点儿乐子”。我们准备做爱，结果，他前戏的方式就是把我的两个奶子挤到一起，让它们相互说话。FML

Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

今天我告诉我男朋友其实我是个痴女。他给了我一个链接，告诉我说那是他最喜欢的A片，我应该为他做那里面的事情。结果那是youtube上一个女孩做三明治的视频。FML

Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML

今天因为去参加朋友聚会，我到家比平时早了两个小时。我走上楼梯，然后突然我掉头就走，回我朋友的聚会去了。我猜我爸妈也在开一个聚会。聚会的名字叫“和咱们的邻居玩儿3P”。他们不知道我知道这事儿。FML

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

今天我鼓起勇气告诉我爸妈我要换卧室，因为听他们做爱实在是又尴尬又吵人。然后，我爸走过来，用很平和的语气问我我妈在做爱的时候听起来是不是很爽。FML

Today, I got a letter in the mail about my periodic health assessment for active duty Soldiers. I came back positive for two curable STD's that are extremely common on Fort Polk. I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife. FML

今天我收到了一封信，内容是我作为在职士兵的周期健康评估。结果我在两项可治愈的性病中都呈阳性，这两个性病在Fort Polk美军基地很常见。问题是，我就没和老婆之外的人做过爱。FML

Today, it was my fifth wedding anniversary. After an intense lovemaking session, my husband looked lovingly into my eyes and asked, "How do you feel about polygamy?" FML

今天是我们结婚五周年纪念日。在一阵激烈的啪啪啪之后，我老公深情地凝望着我，问我：“你觉得一夫多妻制怎么样？”FML

Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

今天晚上，在喝了很多酒之后，我决定和我的一个男性朋友去公园。我们最后在公园里亲热起来，结果几个小屁孩儿把我们的衣服偷了。我们得光着身子走回去。FML

Today, my drunk boyfriend told me he thought of new positions for us to try in bed because it was getting boring. We haven't had sex yet. FML

今天，我喝醉酒的BF告诉我说他想到了一些新体位因为那些老体位开始显得无聊了。问题在于，我们就没做过爱。FML

Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was"Best positions for a small penis." FML

今天我在用我GF的电脑。在用google搜索的时候，她的搜索记录显示出来了。第一条就是“和小鸡巴的男人做爱要用什么体位”。FML

Today, my younger brother, who is 15, had to show me the quickest way to take off a woman's bra. I'm 12 years older than he is. FML

今天，我15岁的弟弟，教我怎么用最快的速度脱掉一个女人的胸罩。老子比他大12岁。FML

Today, I was working at the gas station. An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank. A really beautiful girl walked by. I lost concentration and overfilled the tank. I quickly pulled it out and squirted the old lady with a bit of petrol. She was smiling and gave a slight moan. FML

今天我在加油站给一个老女人加油。一个很漂亮的姑娘走过，我一时失神不小心加多了。我迅速把加油枪把了出来，一些汽油喷在了老女人身上。她对我微笑，发出了一声满足的呻吟。FML

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

今天我在和BF看电视的时候心血来潮地给他打飞机。在他喷发过后，我想要尝试一个我在A片里学到的动作——用牙齿帮他把拉链拉上去。结果他的包皮卡在拉链里了，接下来的几小时我们都在急诊室里度过。FML
Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around and asked, "Have you had sex yet?" I said no, which is true. My dad cracked up and said, "Told you so!" My mom frowned, took out her wallet, and handed him 20$. My parents bet on my nonexistent sex life. FML

今天我在车里和爸妈在一起。我妈回过头问我我做过爱没。我诚实地说了没有。我爸大笑起来，说：“我说什么来着！”我妈皱着眉头拿出了她的钱包，给了我爸20刀。他们居然打赌这种事情。FML

Today, I was in charge of throwing a party for my mom. I told my little brother he was suppose to blow up the balloons which were in my dresser. Apparently, he accidentally found all my condoms, unknowingly, and decorated the house in prophylactics instead of balloons. Happy Birthday, Mom. FML

今天我负责给我妈办个生日聚会。我让我弟弟去我的柜子里拿气球，把它们吹大。他错拿成了我放在那儿的TT，然后，用TT，而不是气球，装饰了整个房子。老妈生日快乐。FML

Today, I was flirting with this cute girl from Croatia that is part of the my exchange group in Holland. After a few beers and some smooth talking, she led me inside to a closed off room. We were about to have sex when her boyfriend of 2 years called and proposed to her. FML

今天我和一个很赞的克罗地亚姑娘调情，我们在荷兰是一个交流生小组的。在喝了点小酒又调了调情之后，她把我带到一个房间里。正当我们准备准备做爱的时候，她两年的男朋友打电话来，向她求婚，FML（我觉得这个要fuck his life）

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

今天我BF骑山地车的时候带了我。在和他骑了大概10分钟后，我高潮了。在和BF交往的三年中，他用尽各种办法也没让我高潮。FML

Today, it was my boyfriend and my six-month anniversary. I've really fallen in love with him, and I know he loves me the same. So I got him a really nice gift, a watch he's had his eye on for as long as I've known him. It was expensive. What does he get me? A condom. Three actually. FML

今天是我和BF的恋爱三周年纪念日，我真的很爱她，我也知道他爱我。我给他买了个很棒的礼物，一块他一直想要的手表。很贵的一块儿手表。他给我买了什么？一个TT。哦不，其实是三个。FML

Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML

今天我醒来的时候，发现我睡觉的时候在暴操我的枕头。我妈把整个过程给录下来了。FML

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents. They were both on the bed, and I was lying on the floor next to their bed. Halfway through the movie, apparently forgetting that I was in the room, my parents started getting friendly. Three feet away from me. FML

今天我和我爸妈在看电影。他们在床上看，我躺在他们床边的地上看。看到一半的时候，他们开始演示创造我的过程——很显然他们忘记我也在屋子里了。我就在边上啊。FML
oday, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML

今天我和GF做完之后去上班，让她在床上继续躺着。到班之后她打电话质问我我背叛她多久了。我们做爱从来不戴套，但她在整理箱子的时候发现了好几个TT。我不得不在我同事面前向她解释那些TT是我用来打飞机的。FML

（下面这条同意的有5K人，说活该的有10W……）
Today, I sent pictures to my ex of me and my new boyfriend in bed. He sent them to my dad. FML

今天我给我EX看我和我新BF做爱的照片。他把照片转发给我爸爸了。FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. It turns out that it was a camera. My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. She saw the whole thing. FML

今天我和GF在造爱。一切都是那么美妙，直到我惊悚地发现柜子上的一处亮光。那是一个摄像头。我妈妈放它在那儿来确保我有打扫房间。她全看见了。FML

Today, I finally had sex with a girl I've been dating for over a month. Before we got started she told me not to worry about the birth control because she could handle that. So after we finished I asked her what kind of birth control she used. She said she meditated. FML

今天我终于和一个约会一个多月的女孩做爱了。在我们开始之前她告诉我不用担心会怀孕，她会做避孕措施。在云雨之后，我问她她用的什么避孕措施。她告诉我是“冥想”。FML

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

今天我GF用给我咬来贿赂我，因为我们晚上要和她爸妈去吃饭。好消息是：那是她有史以来最好的一次BJ。坏消息是：我喷在了她的黑裙子上。她在我的蛋蛋上有力地打了一记直拳。痛。FML

Today, my mom's car broke down after leaving the movies. We were waiting on a corner for my dad when a cop pulled up to us. He started to arrest me and my mom for "soliciting sex." Even a cop thinks my mom dresses like a hooker. FML

今天我和我妈去看电影，我妈的车坏了，我们在街角等我爸来接，直到一个条子过来把我们俩给逮捕了，因为他觉得我们“企图进行性交易”。连条子都觉得我妈穿的像妓女。FML

Today, I went out to dinner with my brother. There was a very attractive man sitting a few tables away who kept glancing at me. When my brother excused himself to the bathroom, the man worked up the courage to come over and introduce himself to me. He asked me if my brother was single. FML

今天我和我哥去吃饭，别桌有一个很帅的男人在看我。当我哥去上厕所的时候，那个男人鼓起勇气走过来，和我搭讪。他问我我哥是否单身。FML

Today, is the first day of my honeymoon. It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids... Day one, I got my period 7 days early. FML

今天是我蜜月的第一天。这是六年来我第一次真正意义上的假期。我们有三个孩子、有间小屋，我们终于有9天的时间在酒店里做我们爱做的事儿，没有孩子和房子的干扰……就在今天，我的姨妈提前7天来了。FML

Today, was my boyfriends birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML

今天是我BF的生日，他想要我在他打COD4的时候给他BJ。在他的角色被打死的时候，他愤怒地砸了手柄。就砸在我脑袋上。FML

Today, I took my girlfriend's virginity. A few minutes in she remarked, "If this is what sex is normally like then I'm seriously disappointed." FML

今天我把我女朋友给破处了。几分钟后，她告诉我：“如果这就是做爱的话，我真的很失望。”FML

Today, my husband and I were having sex in the shower while our 5-year old was sleeping. Apparently, she wasn't sleeping and she asked me what those loud noises were. I told her I was singing. Now I can't get her to stop "singing" in the shower. FML

今天我在我女儿睡觉的时候和老公在浴室里做爱。显然她没睡着，事后她问我那些声音是什么。我告诉她我在唱歌。现在她正在浴室里“放声欢歌”。FML

Today, my girlfriend of ten months sent me a picture message of her making out with a guy. Under it, it read "you can pick your stuff up in the morning." FML

今天我收到了一条我10个月的女友和另外一个男人亲热的短信。下面写着一句话：“你可以明天早上来拿你的东西。”FML

Today, I was having sex with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. I missed. I smacked my balls instead. Real hard. FML

今天我和一个女孩啪啪啪。我们做得很火热，所以我决定打她的屁股。我失手了——我打到了自己的蛋蛋。痛啊。FML

Today, I let my on-again, off-again boyfriend spend the night. For months we had been fighting about his new flame. After he convinced me that they are no longer an item, we had the most mind-blowing sex then we fell asleep. I awoke to him moaning her name. Followed by pelvic thrusts. FML

今天我和我分手又复合的BF在一起过夜。这几个月我们为了他的新外遇不停地争吵。在他答应我不会再想她后，我们疯狂地啪啪啪，然后睡觉。然后我被一阵喃喃声吵醒了——那是他在梦里念她的名字。他一边念一边骨盆还在做活塞运动。FML

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

（这是个女的）今天我做了一个梦，梦里我有一台能给我免费食物的自动售货机，我一直吃啊吃，真是太爽了，这种饱腹的满足感简直无法用言语形容。然后当我醒来，我发现我的手正在我的双腿之间。我居然在梦到免费食物的时候自慰。FML

Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent causing the girl to scream and runaway. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML

我在野营。我和一个很赞的女孩儿打得火热，昨晚我们去我的帐篷做爱。我正要插入的时候一只浣熊跑进了我的帐篷，这个女孩儿尖叫着跑走了。这叫什么事儿啊。FML

Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, "No Brandon! I don't want to have sex!" My wife won't have sex with me when she's awake OR in her dreams. FML

今天我醒来的时候听到我老婆在梦呓：“不要，布兰顿！我不要做爱！”我老婆不管是在现实生活还是在梦里都不要和我做爱。FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that I look better in different kinds of light. I asked him which kind of light I looked best in. His reply? "No light at all."
今天，我BF说，我在不同的光线下看起来更好看。我问他那种光线下我最好看，他说，没光最好看~
Today, I came home from work late (2:30am). As I snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiancee half awake said "No, no... Dan will be home soon." I am Dan. FML

我今天深夜两点半加班回来。我蹑手蹑脚地走进卧室，躺在我未来的妻子旁边，我半醒的未婚妻对我说：“不要，不要……丹马上就要回来了。”我就是丹。FML

Today, I hooked up with a girl from the bar. We went back to my place and started making out, I took off her shirt and bra and started kissing her breasts. I felt her chest hair tickle my tongue. FML

今天我在酒吧勾搭上了一个女孩。我们去我家亲热。我把她的衣服和胸罩脱掉，亲她的⊙⊙。我感觉她的胸毛让我的舌头发痒。FML

Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML

今天我家遭贼了。我新买的本本被偷了，我的平板电视、DC、移动硬盘和衣服都被偷了。为了安慰自己我准备吃我冰箱里的Ben & Jerry's牌儿Phish Food口味的冰激凌。打开冰箱，我发现冰激凌也被偷了。FML

Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML

今天我坐公车，一个男的在摸我屁股。我正要踩他脚时汽车到站了，他溜下去了。然后我才意识到我钱包被偷了。FML

Today, I was cleaning out my bedside table when I came across some condoms I bought on my 18th birthday, to use the first time I had sex. They expired five years ago. I'm still waiting for my first time. FML

今天我在整理我的床头柜时发现了一些TT，是我在18岁生日时买的，我准备在我的初夜时用。18岁生日已经过去五年了。我还在等我的初夜。FML

Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML

今天我和一个新认识的男人做爱了。我们做完后，他发现了我床头柜上的打火机，对我说：“我一直想试试这个！”他把打火机放在屁股后面，放了个屁，造了一团火。他走之后，我光着身子就坐在那里，囧死了。FML

Today, I went to the Verizon because my phone was broken. It hadn't rang in 3 weeks. I hadn't gotten any text messages either. So, I got to the store they check out my phone. They told me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my phone. No one had called me in 3 weeks. Then they charged me $30. FML

今天我去Verizon的维修站修我的手机。它已经三个星期没响过了，三个星期里我没接到任何电话和短信。所以我让他们检查一下我的手机。结果我的手机没有任何问题，三个星期里没有任何人给我打电话发短信，一个也没有。我还得付给他们30块。FML

Today, me and my girlfriend were heading back to her place. On the way there, she was rubbing and stroking me. When we got there, I asked her mom for a congrats hug. I forgot I had a hard on from my girlfriend. She felt it. FML

今天我和我GF去她家。在开车去的路上她一直在掳我。到她家后，我和她妈妈来了个友好的拥抱。我忘了我还勃着。她妈妈感觉到了。FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice "oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML

今天我BF和我在啪啪啪。为了做的更刺激点，我用我最性感的声音说：“哦耶，再用力点~再用力点~”我BF显然不习惯做爱时说这种话，他拔了出来，很生气地说：“我已经很努力了！你到底想怎么样啊？”FML

Today, I found out my parents joined the mile high club. While I was on the plane. FML

今天在和爸妈一起搭飞机的时候，我发现他们有加入“千尺欢爱俱乐部”。FML

Today, I went to a chinese restaurant with my asian girlfriend. When she went into the bathroom I practiced saying "Can we have sex" in chinese which is where she is from. After saying it a few times out loud, a waiter walked by and stared at me. When he gave me the check he included his number. FML

今天我和我的中国女友去一个中餐馆吃饭。在她去厕所的时候，我趁机练习中文的“我们啪啪啪好嘛”。这时店里的服务生经过，盯着我看。当他给我账单的时候，我发现上面写着他的电话号码。FML

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML

今天我交往两年的女友和我决定第一次做爱。我们开好房，准备开始的时候，她告诉我她还没见过小弟弟是啥样呢。为了让她放松些，我给她看了我的。当她看到我那话儿的时候，嗯……她晕过去了。FML

Today, I was surprised to learn that I could carry on intelligent conversations about basketball with my guy friends. Then I realized it was because my boyfriend insists on watching ESPN while we have sex. FML

今天我吃惊的发现我可以和我的男性朋友流畅地谈论篮球。然后我意识到这时因为我BF坚持在做爱的时候看ESPN的节目。FML

Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML

今天我和一个很漂亮的女孩约会，然后我们去我家。半道儿上，她对我说：“你要是个吸血鬼就好了。”然后她就掉头回自己家去了。FML

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

今天我第一次尝试把TT放在嘴里来给我BF做口活。结果我太紧张了，TT被我吞了下去，然后我开始剧烈的咳嗽。FML

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

今天我在看一个动物电影。突然，两只蜗牛出现在了画面上。我硬了。FML

Today, I found out that the guy i've been having sex with for over a month didn't know my name until today. No wonder he always ever called me 'baby.' FML

今天我才发现和我做爱超过一个月的那个男人一直不知道我的名字。难怪总他叫我“宝贝儿”。FML

Today, I looked down to see a tiny spider crawling on the inside of my leg, very close to my crotch. When I tried to brush it off, it only flew a couple inches because it was making a web between my legs. Even a spider knew that it's been awhile. FML

（这是个女的）今天我朝下看，发现一只蜘蛛在我的大腿内侧爬，很靠近我那里。当我想打掉它的时候，它飞行了几英寸，因为它正在我的腿间织网。连蜘蛛都知道我这里好久没用过了。FML
Today, I saw a couple of beetles doing it. Jealous, I quickly crushed them with my boot while screaming, "IF I CAN'T DO IT, NOBODY WILL!" All the little kids playing on the local playground, including parents supervising them, gave me dirty, confused looks. FML

今天我看到了一对甲壳虫在交尾。触景生情，我用力地用靴子踩向了它们：“要是老子不能做，你们谁也别想！”结果周围玩耍的所有的孩子和他们的父母都用一种很奇怪的眼神看着我……FML

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

今天，我正准备在我交往了两年的GF身上失去童贞。然后我接到了一个很紧急的电话，是我9岁的小妹妹打来的：“快回家吧！奶奶上厕所的时候摔了下来，卡在马桶和墙之间了。”这是真事儿！FML

Today, I went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor went through the normal questions, then paused for a moment and jotted something down. Later when I got back my report from the checkup, I noticed that the doctor had checked the "no" box by "sexually active." She didn't even ask me that. FML.

（女的）今天我去医生那里体检。医生问了我一些问题，然后暂停片刻，又草草写下些东西。然后我就收到了我的体检报告，我发现医生在我的“性行为”那栏里打了“否”。她问都没问我。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops, looks directly at me, and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN!" and proceeds to flip me over, grab his clothes, and run out of my room. FML

今天我的BF和我在床上缠绵。突然，一句吆喝从外面传来：“嘭！鼹鼠来喽！”我BF停止了动作，兴奋地看着我说：“卖冰激凌的来啦！”然后他把我抛在一边，拿着他的衣服就冲出了房门。FML

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house.I've been a vegetarian for 4 years, and his mother made lasagna with meat in it. After telling her I don't eat meat, my boyfriend's father proceeds to say "we know who's meat she does eat." My boyfriend, his mother, and I were standing right there. FML

今天我在我BF家吃晚饭，我成为素食主义者有四年了，他妈妈做了有肉末的意大利宽面。当我告诉她我不吃肉后，我男友的爸爸说了句：“我们都知道她会吃什么‘肉’的……”我，我男友，他妈妈，当场黑线。FML

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to throw me against the wall and kiss me like they do in the movies. Being all aggressive and smooth, he grabs my shirt and pushes me. He pushed a little too hard and my head was thrown back into the wall. I was knocked out for ten minutes. FML

今天，我BF觉得像电影里那样把我扔向墙然后亲吻我会很性感。于是，他做出很野性的样子，抓住我的衣服把我推向了墙。他有一点太大力了——我的头撞到了墙，我昏迷了10分钟。FML

Today, I met a really hot guy at a bar. We talked for a while and really seemed to hit it off. We ended up going to my apartment. He stopped and said, "Clean up this mess and maybe we could do something another time." I am a complete neat freak - my apartment had been robbed and trashed. FML

今天我和一个很帅的男人在酒吧认识了，我们一碰即和。之后我们准备去我家过夜。开门之后，他看着我的房子，对我说：“你下次把房子收拾干净点我们再做。”可我是个百分百的洁癖者——我的房子被小偷光顾了。FML

Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's penis, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML

今天我女儿在我洗澡的时候走进来，她说：“嘿，你的那话儿和迪伦的一样大呢！”我女儿见过迪伦的那话儿了。迪伦的那话儿和我的一样大。我女儿和迪伦都是7岁。FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML

今天我和我GF做爱。她开始大口喘气并开始“啊，啊，啊……”我想她是要来了。就在我还没反应过来的时候，鼻涕溅在了我的脸上、脖子上。FML

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

今天，我觉得和我女朋友做的时候看A片会很爽。是很爽……太爽了。我连A片前面的剧情介绍都没看完就喷发了。一分钟都不到。FML

Today, I was feeling horny at work all day so I texted my wife tellng her nasty things I wanted to do with her when we got back. When I came home, I was all aroused and ready to pounce. She gave me a handjob. While watching 'wheel of fortune'. FML

今天上班的时候我感到很饥渴，所以我发短信给我老婆，跟她说回家后我要和她疯狂啪啪啪。我到家的时候已经完全被挑起来了，等不及要和她OX。结果她给我打了一次飞机——一边打一边眼睛还在盯着“幸运大转轮”。FML

Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML

今天条子来我的公寓，他们说要进来检查。检查一番之后他们表示满意，并且告诉我他们收到了噪音投诉。具体的说，我的一些好邻居听到了尖叫，他们认为可能有女孩子被强奸了。事实是，我的两个好朋友和我经常在我的公寓练习摔角——我们仨都是男的。FML

apollo540305

Today, my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Manix Endurance containing a numbing gel designed to help me "last longer". FML

今天我GF给我买了新的TT：玛尼仕牌那种含有可以麻木JJ的胶体的品种，为了让我“更持久”。FML

Today, I wanted to wake up my sweetheart by... well, you can guess. It surprised him - I got kneed in the stomach. FML

今天我想用……（你们猜？）来叫我的爱人起床。结果那吓到他了——我的腹部被他的膝盖重重地顶了一下。FML

Today, I haven't had sex for so long that my condoms have gone off. FML

太久没做爱了——我的TT都不见了。FML

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

今天我和我GF用经典的69位造爱。我没能控制好自己——我的气体全跑进了她的鼻子里。FML

Today, I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back... She carried on moaning even though I'd stopped moving. FML

今天我和GF做爱。我们活塞运动了一会儿，然后我停下来，喘口气……而她没有停止呻吟。FML

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML

今天我和一个女孩儿做爱，她在高潮的时候大声哭喊：“原谅我上帝！原谅我上帝！”FML

Today, I caught one of my cats humping my huge dog while he was asleep... I'm sleeping with the door closed from now on. FML

今天我发现我养的猫当中的一只在我养的大狗睡觉时对它做活塞运动……我决定以后睡觉都要关门。FML

Today I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites- and ended up meeting my own girlfriend. FML

今天我去一个偷情网站注册了——然后看到了我自己的女朋友。FML

Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML

今天我GF告诉我她不想啪啪啪，因为太费时间了。FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad (one of my roomates name) when I came. Now her and her friends think i'm gay and my roomate Brad moved out. FML

今天我和GF啪啪啪的时候不小心在高潮时把她叫成了布拉德。（我室友的名字）现在她和她的朋友都觉得我是基佬，布拉德搬出去了。FML

Today, the girl I'm in love with told me she might be a lesbian. She then asked me if I wanted to have sex with her. I asked if she was 100% sure she was a lesbian? Her reply was: "No, I just think you'd be a good transition". FML

今天我爱的女孩儿告诉我她可能是蕾丝边。然后她问我愿不愿意和她做爱。我问她你确定你是拉拉吗？她说：“不，不过和你在一起可以帮我过渡到真·拉拉。”FML
Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. At that point I noticed my phone had fallen out of my pocket in the street and was run over by several cars. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

今天我看到一个老人在穿过马路的时候摔倒了，于是我跳下自行车去救他。当我帮助他通过人行道的时候我发现绿灯亮了，而我的手机从口袋中掉在了马路中央，同时几辆汽车呼啸而过。当我过去找我的自行车的时候，我发现沃尔自行车已经被偷了。。。

Today, I was running on a soccer field and accidently dropped my gum from my mouth. No one had noticed so I picked it up and started chewing again. It was a different flavor. FML

今天，我在足球场上奔跑的时候，突然我嘴里的口香糖掉在球场上了。因为没人发现，所以我就把它捡起来继续嚼。我发现这个口香糖是另外一种味道的。

Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his $20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML

今天，我的小镇举办了一次给癌症募捐的园游会。我负责打理一个“亲吻小站”（就是捐钱以后得到一个吻）。一个很可爱的男生过来付了20刀，看了看我，就说：“就算是为了癌症我也不干了。”然后就把钱拿了回去，跑掉了。FML

Today, I was going running. It was an especially windy day and things were flying through the wind. Apparently, bodily fluid can a*so fly through the wind. Turns out, a women was barfing over a bridge and the wind caught it and it flew through the air. Right into my face and body. FML

今天，我准备去跑步。今天是个大风天，东西被吹得四处飞。很明显，体液 也可以被吹得四处飞。一个女人站在桥上，吐了，吐的东西被风刮了起来然后就在空气当中翻飞——飞得我满身满脸。FML

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML

今天，我在酒吧遇到了一个男生，于是我们后来就回到了我的房间。我们开始OOXX，大概三十秒以后，他就停下来说这事并不对——他太喜欢我了，喜欢到不能忍受和我一(HX你妹）夜(HX你妹）情的地步。他给了我电话号码，吻了我的脸颊以后离开了。实际上他已经射了 -_- 于是我给他打电话——但是是错误号码。FML

Today, is my long-anticipated 21st birthday! Today also happens to be the first day of my period. I've spent the whole morning in the fetal position with agonizing cramps, reduced to tears and whimpering while the painkiller refuses to kick in. Happy birthday! Love, my uterus. FML

今天，是我盼望已久的21岁生日！今天也TM刚好是我大姨妈来的第一天。我一早上都难受得要死，痛苦的绞痛，搞得我鼻涕一把眼泪一把的，镇痛剂也不管用……生日快乐！爱你的，子（河蟹你妹）宫。FML!

Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant, I'd forgotten my glasses and had a migraine. I was straining my eyes, squinting and rubbing my temples to alleviate my migraine. I was kicked out of the restaurant and banned henceforth because my waitress thought I was mocking her eyes. FML

今天，我在一家中餐馆吃饭。我忘了我的眼镜，所以感觉有些偏头痛。我挤着眼睛，又捏又压我的太阳穴试图缓解头痛。我被从餐馆里赶了出来，永远不得入内，因为那个女服务员以为我在嘲笑她的眼睛。FML

Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML

今天，我走到厨房里面，不小心打碎了我妈的花瓶。我说：“事故时有发生嘛。”她回答，“对，像你的出生一样。”FML

Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML

今天，我在我女友的家里的垃圾桶里发现了一个用过的套套和包装。我从来没用过这个牌子的套套。她自己一个人住。FML

Today, I got T-boned by a woman going 60 mph. I was unconscious for hours while a tube was inserted into my collapsed lung. Upon waking up my 16-year old brother thought it would be hilarious to yank out my leg hairs. FML

今天，我被一个女人60码了。我昏迷了几个小时，穿孔的肺上插了根管子。我醒来了以后，就看到了我那个“拔你的腿毛真TMD好玩啊”的16岁弟弟。FML
Today, a friend offered to have sex with me, since I'm a 19 year old virgin who's only been kissed. He then added on that I would have to give him my Wii in return. FML

今天,一個朋友說可以跟我啪啪啪,但是知道了我是19歲的處女,而且僅僅被親吻過的程度而已之后.他附加了條件:要我把我的Wii給他. (靠,任青.......)

Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML

今天我對我的醫師說我懷疑我的伴侶不忠,但是我並不認為他相信我."什麽,難道你在他的口袋裏面找到過sex俱樂部會員卡之類的東西嗎?"他這樣問道.當我回家的時候,我翻了一下他的口袋.我發現了一張sex俱樂部會員卡.

Today, my 8 year old little sister said "f you" to my mom. My mom thought I told her to say that and grounded me for a month. Later, my sister came up to me and said "Gotcha, bitch." FML

今天,我8歲的妹妹對我媽說"操你".我媽認為是我教壞了她并罚我一个月禁止外出.后来,我妹妹过来对我说"做掉你了,婊子.".

Today, my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. I was last and I was the smallest. I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. They now call me "the stereotype". FML
今天,我的朋友们和我决定比一比谁的那话大.我是最后一个而且是最小的.我是朋友中唯一的亚洲人.现在他们叫我"成见(对亚洲人的)".
Today, I was riding the subway to work. Barely anyone was on because of how early it was. Me and this one guy in a trench coat were in the same cart. His stop came. He walked by me, flashed me, rubbed his penis on my arm, and then ran away really fast. FML

今天，我坐地铁上班。因为很早，所以地铁里没什么人。我和一个穿雨衣的哥们坐在一节车厢里面。他的车站到了。于是他走到我身边，闪了我一下，用他的JJ蹭了蹭我的胳膊以后一溜烟就跑没影了。FML

Today, I was nude modeling for the first time for a life art class. The only criteria for the class was that I not move at all while being observed. After a few seconds I noticed a really hot girl drawing me. I got a hard on. FML

今天，我第一次在一个美术课当裸体模特。班级唯一的要求是我在被观察的时候绝对不能动。几秒钟以后我就注意到了一个非常火辣的女孩在画我——于是我硬了。FML

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

今天，我那笃信教的祖母正巧碰到我在ZW。她准备把我送到圣经夏令营里去。FML

Today, my mother told me she needed a urine sample to send in to the doctors to test for any allergies. I did what she had asked and went to my room. I came down stairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML

今天，我妈告诉我说她需要我的一点尿样来送给医生检查我是不是有任何过敏症状。我照做了，然后就回屋去了。过了一会我下了楼，发现她在厕所里面，正在把我的尿往一根怀孕测试棒上倒。FML

Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother". FML

今天，我半夜偷摸地跑出房子去了。我和我爸碰了个正着——他拿着酒，准备进到另一栋房子里去。我当时没猜他有外遇还是什么的，直到他说：“如果你不说，我就不说——求求你别告诉你妈。”FML

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

今天，我才发现我妈在我和我哥们十岁的时候，给了他20刀来雇他当我的朋友。FML

Today, while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been. She replied : "Trying to lose your virginity." FML

今天，在做医学院申请的时候，我问了我妈她认为我目前为止生活中遇到的最大挑战是什么。她回答：“试着破处。”FML

Today,when I had a masturbating I saw that my sister was having a sex with my brother.FML

今天，我ZW的时候看见我姐和我哥在OOXX。FML

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I've had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn't a girl. FML

今天，我终于鼓起勇气，向一个非常可爱的女孩表白说已经喜欢她超过8个月了。结果我发现她不是女的。FML

Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML

今天，我在外面和朋友逛。我6岁的小女儿也和我们在一起。在经过一个停车场时，我的女儿非常大声地问我：“妈咪，KJ尝起来很糟糕吗？”FML

Today, my mom came into my room to have a heart to heart talk.
My dildo was sitting on the nightstand.
I didn't notice until she told me to make sure the dog didn't get it.
FML

今天,我老妈来我房间与我进行一次心灵深处的谈话.我的ZW用具放在了床头柜上.我没有注意到这点直到我妈告诉我要小心那东西被DOG拿去了.FML
Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML

今天我发现我老婆这两年在和我ML之前都要抽大《盒谐你妹》麻烟，她说只有这样她才能忍受和我OOXX。FML

Today, I found out that my brother was selling pictures of me showering. For what? World of warcraft money. FML
今天, 我发现我哥哥/弟弟在卖我洗澡的照片. 为了什么? WOW的钱. FML

Today, I got hypnotized at my school's variety show. Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy doing, I began to violently hump the floor. FML

今天，我在学校的杂耍秀上被催眠了。很明显，当我被要求去做一件“我特别喜欢做的事情”时，我开始和地板激烈地OOXX。FML

Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My team mates waved and said "Bye POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot. FML

今天，足球比赛结束后，我和我爸向车走去。我的队友一边挥手一边说“再见了，陶罐脑袋！”他们这样叫我是因为他们认为我的头的形状像个罐子。当然啦，我老爹可不吃这套——我现在被禁足了不让出门，就因为我的头形状不对——实际上我从来没吸过大(HX)麻。FML

豆知识：Pot(陶罐）也有大(HX)麻的意思。所以，他老爸认为他的队友在叫他“大(HX)麻脑袋”

Today, I took a test as part of a job requirement. I took a sip from a bottle of juice, and the lady leading the test gave me a warning. I tried to explain that if I didn't, I would faint. She took the bottle and hid it. 15 minutes later I collapsed. She thought I was faking. I'm hypoglycemic. FML

今天，作为申请工作的一部分，我参加了一个考试。我吸了一小口果汁，监考的女士立刻给了我警告。我试图解释说如果我不喝，我就会晕倒——结果她还是把瓶子拿走并藏了起来。15分钟后我果然倒地了，可是她以为我是装的。我这个人低血糖。FML

Today, I was going on a plane to Chicago. My passport picture is 6 years old, and back then I was a beautiful model. Now, I gave birth to a child and gained 50 lbs. When I showed my passport to the airport atendents, I got arrested for stealing someones passport. FML

今天，我准备坐飞机前往芝加哥。我的护照照片有6年没换了；那时候我还是个很漂亮的模特。现在，我生了个孩子，体重长了50磅。于是乎当我给机场人员出示护照时，我被以“偷窃他人护照”的罪名逮捕。FML

Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML

今天，我妈把我叫到楼下；我以为她会终于给我来一场“人生当中最重要的演讲”（虽说晚了能有四年之久）。于是她让我坐下，握住我的手，用温柔的、充满母爱的表情告诉我说：“宝贝，如果你有一天突然怀孕了的话，我就把你和你的小崽子都杀了。”FML

Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

今天，我的父母造访我的公寓的时候，我养的鸟开始大吵大闹。它在模仿我昨天晚上做爱做的事的时候的呻吟声。此鸟一直在用我的声音尖叫着，特别容易分辨。FML

Today, I was at the mall with some friends. In the food court we passed by this creepy pervert feeling up a woman. I take a closer look and realize with horror that the guy is my dad in sunglasses and a hat. The lady he was with was not my mom. FML

今天，我和我的朋友们在逛购物中心。在美食广场里面我们遇到了一个恶心的变态正在抚摸一个女人。我定睛一看，惊恐地发现那个变态就是我老爸，戴了个墨镜和一顶帽子。而且那个被摸的女的不是我妈。FML

Today, my wife of over 20 years told me she wants a divorce because she wants "a change in life". She has had the same mullet hair cut since '84. FML

今天，和我结婚超过20年的老婆告诉我说她想啊要离婚，因为她想要“改变一下生活”。她那发型从1984年起就没换过。FML

Today, my mom came to wake me up because my alarm didn't go off. She brought my dog in to wake me up and he came and laid on bed. I started to rub what i thought was his neck and playing with a random tuft of fur. I soon realized that it was his penis. I gave my dog a handjob. FML

今天，我妈来叫我起床，因为我的闹钟没响。她让我的狗来把我叫醒，于是狗进到屋子里来，躺倒了床上。我开始抚摸我认为是它的脖子的地方，也玩了玩一团不知是它身上哪里的毛。然后我意识到了，那是它的JJ。也就是说我帮我的狗打灰机了。FML

Today, I had a terrible dream where my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. I woke up almost crying and called him just to tell him how much he means to me. Turns out my dream gave him that little extra push he needed to confess he's been cheating on me. With his ex. FML

今天，我做了个噩梦，梦见了我的男朋友背着我和他的前女友搞外遇。我几乎是哭着醒了过来，立刻打电话给他，告诉他他对我来说是多么重要。结果，我的梦反倒成了他向我坦白他的罪行的推动力——他确实是在背着我搞外遇。和他的前女友。FML

Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had payed the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML

今天，我和我认为一定会娶的女孩共享晚餐。一切都很顺利。结账之后，她跟我说她是同志。就在我认为事情不能再糟的时候，她向我挑战，说要比赛看谁能先把到妹。我输了。FML

Today, I overheard my parents having sex. Trying to be the reasonable person I was, I dismissed it, realizing that sex is just normal. I quickly walked past their room when my cat ran past me into their room, cracking open the door. Now my parents think I was peeping and need therapy. FML

今天，我听到了我父母在OOXX。试着做一位看得开的人，我马上打消了奇怪的想法，因为我知道食色性也嘛。我快速地经过了他们的房门，可是就在此时我的猫经过我身边跑进了他们的卧室，把门给撞开了——现在我的父母以为我在偷看，而且需要看心理医生。FML

Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to f*** off. FML

今天，在婚礼彩排的时候，我妈跟我丈母娘说了句滚NMLGB。FML

Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML

今天，我用了从纽约到波士顿大客车上的厕所，小心翼翼地在马桶座上盖了20多张单片厕纸。在我嘘嘘的时候，客车越过了一处凸起的路面，来了个急转弯——于是我裸露的整片PP都被飞溅起来的尿花和屎花溅满了。而且那些都不是我的。FML

Today, I was walking up to girlfriends house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic i surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and i watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriends mom in the face. FML

今天，我走向我的女朋友家，正好碰到了她那可怕的海军陆战队老爸向我扔橄榄球。我不是很擅长运动，于是我接住了那球的时候我自己也吓了一跳。他向我示意扔回去，然后我就眼睁睁地看着橄榄球疯狂地旋转着向左面飞去，正中我女朋友的妈妈的脸。FML

Today, I woke up to 70 new text messages and 100 calls all from numbers I didn't know. The night before I got into a heated argument with my old best friend about who was prettier. She got mad and posted my number on craigslist.com as a prostitute. Apparently I won. FML

今天，我醒来的时候，发现我有了70多条新短信和100个未接来电，全是我不认识的号码。昨天晚上，我和我以前最好的朋友在关于谁更漂亮的问题上吵得热火朝天——她气得要死，于是她把我的照片和号码发到了craigslist.com上，说我的职业是鸡。从结果上看我更漂亮。FML

Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on facebook was FML. FML

今天，我一辈子从没这么高兴过地从睡梦中醒来，因为昨天晚上我和我暗恋了将近一年的女孩好上了，而我以前一直以为我没机会。今天早上，我看到她facebook上的“状态”是“FML”。FML

Today, I found the source of the bad smell that has been plaguing me for the past two weeks in my apartment. The police knocked on my door asking if I've seen my neighbor recently. I haven't. The smell has been that of a dead person. It's a smell that even Febreze can't remove. FML

今天，我找到了过去两周以来我公寓里面一直挥而不去的恶心的味道的来源。警察那天砸我房门，问我最近是不是看到了我的邻居。我没看见过他。这股味道是死人身上发出来的。空气清新剂都去不掉这个味。FML


Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML

今天，我走进浴室的时候发现我的姐姐在清洗她的ZW器。用我的牙刷。FML
Today, I filled out a political survey for a psychology experiment. A really cute girl was doing it, too. We hit it off and flirted through the surveys, and I asked her out when it was done. Then I found out it was really an attraction experiment and she was in on it. She was acting. FML

今天，我参与了一个心理实验，做了份政治方面的调查问卷。一个非常可爱的女孩也在做问卷。我们之间挺来电，在做卷子的过程中一直互相调情。在结束的时候，我请她出去约会了。然后我才发现，我参与的实验实际上是个“吸引力测验”，她是工作人员。她一直在演戏。FML

Today, I got a text message. It said, "I'm so drunk. What you up to, girl?" It was my dad. FML

今天，我收到了条短信。上面说：“我喝醉了。你有事吗，宝贝？”是我爸发的。FML

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven't slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML

今天，我交往了4年的男友说他要甩了我，因为我们几个星期都没有OOXX了。我刚刚生了我们的第一个孩子，而且仍然在慢慢地从剖腹产的伤痛当中回复过来。FML


Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

今天，我在洗澡，需要洗发露。我靠在香皂支架上去取了一些，然后那支架从墙上掉下来了。一大堆巨大的蚂蚁开始从墙里面涌出来，在墙上爬上爬下，到处都是。我尖叫着从浴室里逃了出来，身上啥都没穿。FML

Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML

今天，我才意识到我的室友一直在用我的清洁布擦厕所。也就是说这六个月来，我一直在用四个大学男生的大粪清洗自己的身体。FML

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more phone credit, so I bought her more and got another message saying "Great, now I have enough credit for this..." as she spelled out a three page message breaking up with me. Yes, I paid for her to break up with me via text. FML

今天，我从女友那里收到了一条短信，说她需要更多的话费。于是我给她充了更多，然后就收到了另一条短信说：“太好了，现在我有足够的钱说这个了……”紧跟着就是长达三页的短信说她要跟我分手。没错，她跟我通过短信分手了，我还给她结了账。FML

Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML

今天，我去做了超声波，因为我怕得睾丸癌。很显然，我签的字的协议允许让一个实习生来拿我做练习。她20多岁，火辣到爆，所以当她在我的蛋蛋上涂抹胶状物的时候，我硬了。FML

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant for my friend's birthday. I went to the bathroom and heard the woman in the other stall crying. She couldn't pull her underwear up over her obese, old-lady ass because her arms don't reach that far anymore. I was the only one there. I had no choice. FML

今天，我去了一家不错的餐馆给我的朋友庆祝生日。我去了趟洗手间，然后就听到了一个女人在一个隔间里面哭。她不能把内裤拉起来到她那肥胖的、老女人的大PP上，因为她的胳膊太短够不着。我是洗手间里唯一的人。我别无选择。FML

Today, I was with a group of friends at a bar, and we were all talking about whether we were moaners, screamers, or quiet during sex. My boyfriend said that he was a moaner, which I contradicted. Completely straightfaced, he said, "Well, I am when it's good." FML

今天，我和一群朋友在酒吧里面，都在谈论我们在OOXX的时候是喜欢呻吟，还是尖叫，还是不怎么出声（汗……）。我的男友说他喜欢呻吟，我反驳了他。然后他面无表情地说，“好吧，只有在做得好的时候。”FML


Today, I was about to get it on with a girl in the bathroom of my friend's house at a party. Just when things started getting heated, a pipe burst. Literally. There was water everywhere and everyone had to evacuate the building. I was cockblocked by poor plumbing. FML

今天，我在我朋友家的派对里面，正准备和一个女孩在厕所里面亲热。正当一切进行顺利的时候，一个水管破了。水喷得到处都是，大家都被迫从房子里面撤了出来。我的JJ被破烂的水管阻挡了。FML

=== 豆知识 俚语 cockblock ===
组成： cock (JJ) + block （阻挡）
名词用：阻挡JJ的某人或某事物
动词用：去阻止某人的JJ，阻止某人占便宜
形容词: (+ed) 被阻挡了JJ了的

老外连这个都有专门的词。英语在某些方面果然很简洁 - -


Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

今天，我去游泳了。当我从非常拥挤的泳池里钻出来时，一个小女孩跑过来指着我大喊：“妈咪，我长大了以后，也想要大大的波波。”我今年16。我是个男的。FML

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

今天，我妈决定向我介绍她的新男友。我认识他。我和他上过床。FML

Today, I went to visit my fiance's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML

今天，我和我的未婚夫去医院看望他那奄奄一息的祖母。她开始向我们谈论要充实地过好每一天。他的祖母指着我说：“生命很短暂。这就是为什么你不能浪费时间，去和长得像这副模样的女人胡干。”FML

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

今天，我在俱乐部外面遇到了一个非常性感的男生。我们回到了我的公寓，做了爱做的事。然后我们都睡着了。我醒来的时候发现床头柜上多了刚开始没有的20美刀。他以为我是鸡。很明显，还是个便宜的。FML