phelex002

最近经常埋怨自己...
看完这帖,我觉得自己生活多么美好啊~~~

Glandiz15

LZ，你在教英语吗？中英对照～～～～～～

jby1988

每家都有一本难念的经，我有认真生活的冲劲了

whitethanatos

fmylife这个网站真的很搞笑,特来支持楼主.

liaoqinghe

WOW吧果然名不虚传啊……

apollo540305

好消息，更新了


Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML

今天，我和我男朋友大吵了一架。我给他打了手机，在上面和他大吵大闹。他跟我说如果我不再想跟他了的话，现在就把电话关上吧。我刚想跟他说我仍然很爱他，不想分手的时候，我手机没电了。FML

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. It got to an intense sex scene. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. He put it into slowmotion. We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. FML

今天，我和我的男朋友一家看电影。电影演到了一处特别火辣的OOXX的镜头。当我看到他的爸爸准备用遥控器快进的时候，我感到很欣慰——可是他却（不小心）把电影调成了慢进。结果这镜头我们尴尬地看了将近三分钟，他才解决了这个问题。FML

Today, I was cuddling with the guy I like. I looked into his eyes and said, "Your eyes are so blue, like the ocean." He replied by saying, "Your eyes are so brown... like my shit". FML

今天，我在和一个我喜欢的男生亲热。我看着他的眼睛，说：“你的眼睛真蓝……像大海一样。”他回答，“你的眼睛真褐……像我的屎一样。”FML

Today, my husband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML

今天，我结婚了三年的老公跟我说他跟我求婚的唯一理由是因为那天他最喜欢的美式足球队赢了所以他喝醉了。我在三天前生的第二个孩子。FML

Today, my boyfriend of seven months dumped me because if he 'ever wanted to get married', he wants to 'marry a virgin.' I lost my virginity to him. FML

今天，我交往了7个月的男友把我甩了。因为他“如果要结婚的话，”他也要“娶一个处女”。我把我的处女给了他。

Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML

今天，一只蚂蚁蛰了一下我的JJ。这是有史以来第一张碰过我JJ的“嘴”。FML

Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her trip. In the New Zealand Airport I recieved a text message saying she wanted to break up with me. I live in Michigan and just spent $1,500 for this romantic surprise. FML

今天，我飞到了新西兰，去给我正在那里旅游的女友一个惊喜。在新西兰机场我收到了一条短信：她想要和我分手。我住在密歇根州，花了1500美刀，就为了这场浪漫的“惊喜”。FML

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

今天，我庆祝了我的21岁生日。我3年的男朋友给了我一个巨大的粉色ZW器。我以为这是个玩笑，就说：“只要你还在，我就用不上这玩意！”他的回答：“……这就是我想要和你谈谈的事情。”

Today, my wife has been singing "I can't get no satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, all morning. She started singing it right after we had sex. FML

今天，我老婆一早上都在唱滚石乐队的《我得不到满足》。她在我们OOXX完就开始唱。FML

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

今天，我去看我儿子的足球赛。我笑容灿烂地大声欢呼着他的名字。我看到他和他的队友耳语了几句，所以我在晚上又看了遍我老公的录像。他的朋友问的是：“那是谁？”我儿子回答：“我不认识的肥婊子。”FML

Today, I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were gonna have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal she asked, "What does he like?" I'm straight. My parents thought different. FML

今天，我决定把我的女朋友介绍给我的父母，就告诉他们晚餐的时候会有一位特殊的客人到场。我妈在做饭的时候问我：“他（注意是‘他’）什么样啊？”我取向正常。可我父母不这么想。FML

Today, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn't like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML

今天，我被炒了鱿鱼，因为一个客户投诉说她不喜欢我一直盯着她的孩子看时的眼神（暗指恋童）。我是个救生员。FAML

Today, I came home a day after my birthday, and was greeted by my mother who told me "oh I have birthday present for you." She explained that she and my father went on a hike, and handed me my present. I got a f***ing stick for my birthday. FML

今天，我在我生日的第二天回到了家。母亲来迎接我，告诉我说：“啊，我有个生日礼物要给你。”她解释说她和我爸去远足了，然后就把我的礼物给了我——于是，我MLGB的得到了根登山拐棍作为生日礼物。FML

Today, I found out my girlfriend is pregnant and then decided to break up with her. Why? We're lesbians. FML

今天，我得知我的女朋友怀孕了。于是我决定和她分手。你问为什么？因为我们是百合。FML

Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor's new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML

今天，我在帮我的邻居照看他家的新小狗。那天来了个特别大的雷暴，那小狗被吓得直叫，身体抖得厉害。我把它放到我的膝盖上试着安抚它。在一声巨大的响雷之后，那狗在我身上来了次爆炸性的腹泻，拉了我一身。FML

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you f***inag cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

今天，我听见我的女儿隔着浴室门向我儿子喊：“你又在里面ZW吗?!”然后我儿子喊了回去：“闭嘴，你个B!!”我女儿7岁，我儿子8岁。FML

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML

今天，我6岁的小女儿问我：“如果你和爹地死了我怎么办呢？”我告诉她她可能会去和昂特舅舅和艾琳舅妈去住。她看着我，说：“那你们死了就没事了。我不会哭的。我在那边想要啥就有啥。”FML

Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn't tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML

今天，我女朋友的朋友跟她说她看见我和一个很可爱的女孩买东西。我到家了以后我的女友就给了我一拳，问我那女孩是谁。很显然，她的朋友没告诉她那“可爱的女孩”是我三岁的小侄女。因为那拳我少了颗牙。FML

Today, my boyfriend was in the shower, and I decided to go join him. I took all my clothes off and stepped into the bathroom. I slipped on some water, and ended up hitting my head on the toilet and passing out. When I came to, I saw my boyfriend's dad looking over me in his towel. Wrong person. FML

今天，我的男友在淋浴，于是我决定和他一起洗。我脱光了衣服走进了浴室。我踩在水里滑了一跤，脑袋砸到马桶上晕了过去。我醒过来的时候，看到了我男朋友他爸爸包着浴巾看着我。我搞错人了。FML


Today, I was working as a swim 软妹子uctor for kids. Teaching them not to be afraid of the water, I put my face in the water and blew bubbles. I asked them to try it. All of them did, except for one. I went right to him and blew bubbles again. He then said to me, "but I just peed in that water." FML

今天，我在教小孩子游泳。为了让他们不怕水，我把脸埋在水里吹泡泡。我让他们都试试。所有的人都试了，除了一个以外。我走到他跟前，又给他做了次示范。结果他跟我说：“可是我刚才在那片水里尿了。”FML

Today, I learned that my wife had sex with another guy. She met him while we were on a trip in another state for marriage counseling. The reason we were in marriage counseling was because she had no desire for sex, and we had gone for two years without it. FML

今天，我知道我老婆和别人上床了，他和那人是在去别的州进行婚姻咨询的时候认识的，我们要进行婚姻咨询就是因为她性冷淡，而且我们两年没做了。FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

今天我和一个不认识的女孩上床了，我没TT怕她怀孕，但她保证到时候让我拔出来。就当我要拔出来的时候，她拿大腿缠住我，大叫：“做我孩子的爹吧！！！”FML

Today, I was at the Wild Animal Park. There were bees everywhere. One brave bee, thinking he was Mr. Macho, flew right down my tank top in between my boobs. I freaked the hell out and ended up screaming and pulling down my shirt to get the bee out. I flashed about 10 kids and their families. FML

今天，我在野生动物园。那儿到处都是蜜蜂。一只胆儿大的，觉着自个儿是曾哥呢，飞进了我的小背心在我双峰中间乱窜，我立马斯巴达了，一边叫一边把我的衣服扯下来，给大概10个小孩儿和他们的家长看见了。FML

Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML

今天我用太阳灯床晒自个儿，结果不小心把肚皮上晒伤了，我想缓解晒伤的痒，就去找些食物来抹在肚皮上，因为我们家没有芦荟。在试过了酸奶、牛奶和蛋黄酱后，我发现我们家的水给断了，没法儿洗澡。现在蛋黄酱和牛奶在我身上发臭。FML

Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML

今天我在房间里做健身操，我开始做一些非常大幅度的高抬腿，当我抬高一条腿的时候我的手机掉了出来，我向下看，结果膝盖打到了脸。接下来的几小时我就在急诊室里听医生告诉大家伙儿我的故事。FML

Today, while driving home with my parents. I pretended to be asleep so mum wouldn't talk to me. They then took this time to describe what they were going to do to each other when they got home. In full detail. FML

今天爸妈带我开车回家。我假装睡觉这样我妈就不会唠叨了。结果他们利用我睡觉的时间谈论他们回家后要做什么，怎么做。完整而详细。FML

Today, my dad somehow found some pictures of my boyfriend having sex with some girl and went on a rampage about how pissed he was that he was cheating on me. I had to explain to my parents that I was the girl in the pictures. FML

今天我爸找到了一些我BF和女孩儿做爱的照片，他暴躁地说老子要发飙了，这小子怎么可以这么对我女儿。我只好跟他说我就是照片上的那个女孩儿。FML

Today, I was in the car with my husband complaining about the way I look. His response, "Babe, if I cared about the way you looked I wouldnt have married you." FML

今天，我在车里和我老公抱怨自个儿长得不好看，他温柔地对我说：“亲爱的，我要是看重相貌就不娶你了。”FML

Today, I found out that my husband made a replica of our family on The Sims 3. I also found out he killed me off a couple weeks ago and made a new wife, KiKi. FML

今天我发现我老公在模拟人生3里建了个我们家。我还发现几星期前他就在游戏里把我杀了，找了个新老婆，叫KiKi。FML
Today, I was having really bad diarrhea. I sat down on the toilet and heard a plop, thinking it was just me going to the bathroom. After I was finished, I look in the toilet to see my iPhone sitting in a pool of diarrhea. FML

今天我拉肚子了，我坐下的时候听到了噗的一声，我想那可能只是坐下来发出的声音。在我拉完之后，我看看马桶，发现我的爱疯就在一堆稀屎的正当中。FML

Today, I was going to surprise my boyfriend at his family birthday celebration with a $2,000 trip he's always wanted, Ireland. Right before my gift, he had opened his mother's gift, an envelope containing a plane ticket. Guess where it was going? FML

今天是我BF的生日，我给他准备了一个价值2000美刀的旅程，他一直想去爱尔兰的。就在我要给他礼物之前，他妈给了他一个信封，里面有张机票，猜猜是去哪儿的？FML

Today, I was checking out my boyfriend's facebook profile. I saw that he had just taken the "How long will it take for your girldriend to realize you're cheating on her?" Quiz. FML

今天我在查我BF的facebook档案。我发现他刚做了“你GF要多久才能知道你在劈腿”的测试。FML

Today, I received a letter in the mail stating that I had won a trip to Cancun, Mexico. It looked like a scam so I threw it away. I later found out that it was a birthday present from my cousin and the envelope also contained a check for 5 thousand dollars to help cover some expenses. FML

今天我收到了一封信，告诉我说我赢得了去墨西哥坎昆旅游的机会。看起来像诈骗，我就把它给扔了。之后我知道那是表哥给我的礼物，而且信封里还有张5000美金的支票，给我花销用的。FML

Today, my mother invited me to a nice restaurant to meet her boyfriend whom she's been seriously dating for a month. Imagine my surprise when she led me to a table and my boyfriend's father stood up, shocked, to greet me. Rather than being horrified, she is now planning double dates every week. FML

今天我妈带我去了家很贵的馆子，让我见见她很认真交往了一个月的男朋友。看到我男朋友的爸爸坐在那张桌子旁时，我和他都震惊了。结果我妈不仅没震惊，还准备每周都搞四人约会。FML

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to have sex with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past 4 months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML

今天我接到了我BF的电话。他在局子里，因为他闯进了一个模特的家，企图和她OX，而他这四个月都在和这个模特劈腿。我是他的联系人，他希望我把他保出去。FML

Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML

今天我才知道，我GF常跟我说起的四个女性好朋友其实是电视剧“性欲都市”里的四个女主角。我女朋友居然有幻想朋友。FML

Today, for our one year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to make me a patchwork blanket. The thing is, the patches were stains from bedsheets from where the 'wet spot' was. He thought it was romantic. FML

今天，为了纪念我们恋爱一周年，我BF决定给我做一个拼布毯子。问题在于，那些拼布的素材都是床单上他打飞机留下的精痕。他觉着那样挺浪漫。FML
Today, I came home to find my dad crying. Turns out my parents are getting divorced because my mom had an affair. With a teacher at my school. A female teacher. And the school isn't going to fire her because she's a good teacher. Every day at school I'm going to have to see her. FML

今天我回家，发现我爸在哭。原来我妈和他离了，因为我妈有外遇了，和一个我学校的老师。一个女老师。而且学校不会开除她，因为她是个好老师。现在我每天都要在学校里看见我这个新“妈爸”。FML

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend in town. We broke up a year ago because he "moved" to Florida. FML

今天，我遇见了我的EX。我们一年前分手了，因为他要“搬去佛罗里达”。FML

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

今天我准备在湖边我买的船上向GF求婚。正当我们在船上欣赏着周围的湖光山色时，她傲娇地把我推进了湖里。当我爬回船上时，我发现不仅我的手机报废了，那颗大钻戒也掉进了湖里。FML
Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status 软妹子. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML

今天我在我朋友老爸的facebook相册里看他新上传的照片。我看到他在一个酒吧里和一个很丑的妓女在一起，而且他在每张照片里看起来都很享受。在经过10分钟对那个丑女人的惨无人道的嘲笑后，我发现那是我妈戴着假发。FML

Today, my boss told me he is a superhero. He has written countless comics about his crusades and adventures. I make fifty dollars an hour less than him. FML

今天我老板告诉我他是个超级英雄。他画了好多关于他的战斗和冒险的漫画。而我的时薪比这么样一个人要少50美元。FML

Today my husband's rich aunt and uncle came in town and handed us an envelope and said we hope this helps out with the student loans. Inside the envelope was just an article on new student loan procedures and how to get lower payments. FML

今天我老公的富有的大伯夫妇来到城里，给了我们一个信封，说他们希望信封里的东西能帮助我们解决孩子的贷款问题。信封里是一篇关于新生贷款程序和如何取得更低付款的文章。FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and refused to give me back the condoms I'd just bought. Why? Because she wants to use them with the guys she's been cheating on me with. FML

今天我GF和我分了，而且还不还给我我掏钱买的TT。为啥？因为她想和她劈腿的那位一起用。FML

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I got reservations for a romantic dinner, and at the end, fireworks would spell out my proposal. The whole thing had taken weeks to plan out and had cost me a lot of money. She proposed to me at a subway station first. FML.

今天我准备向我三年的女友求婚，我在一个很浪漫的馆子订了位子，并且在这顿饭的最后，烟花会把我的话给打出来。这整件事花了我好几个星期去计划、花了我一大笔钱。结果她今天先在一个地铁站向我求婚了。FML

Today, I thought my boyfriend of 6 years was going to propose to me. We're highschool sweethearts and he was my first. Just when he was looking into my eyes he says, " I've been seeing someone else for 2 years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision". FML

今天，我想我6年的男友将要向我求婚。我们高中开始就在一起，他是我的初恋。当他深情地凝望着我的时候他说：“我和另外一个女人交往两年了，我最终选择了你而不是她……这真是个艰难的决定。”FML

Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

今天我女友过来和我分手。她刚度假回来，她走之前让我喂她的狗，我喂了，我甚至经常陪着它们以免它们孤单。她不早点跟我分手就是因为她没人喂狗。FML

Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for me and my girlfriend. I was trying that move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and the girl both slurp the same piece of spagetti and end up kissing. Only when I tried it, my spagetti went down too far in my throat and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML

今天我给我和我GF做了碗意大利面。我从《小姐与流氓》学到了这招，男生和女生吸同一根面条，最后就可以浪漫地嘴对嘴。当我这么做时，我那头的意面一直深入到了我喉咙里让我犯恶心，我把它呕向了她。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. We did it in his bedroom where he had all of his anime models on display. I accidentally knocked over one of his models and it fell on to the floor. He got angry and kicked me out. Apparently, making his models look good was more important than us making love. FML

今天我和我BF在OX，我们在他的卧室里做，那里有很多他做的动画手办。做到兴头上我不小心撞到了一个手办，那玩意儿掉在了地上。他立马毛了，当时就让我滚蛋了。很显然，他丫的就是一死塑料小人宅。FML

Today, I was talking to the girl I've liked for 2 years. We were assigned partners for a History project so we were going to work on it at my house. When she asked me for directions, I told her I lived on Woodcock Road. She yelled slapped me and stormed off. I was serious. FML

今天我和我暗恋了2年的姑娘聊天，我们俩在一起做一个历史项目，所以我们准备到我家去做。她问我我家在那儿，我告诉她我住在木屌路。她给了我一巴掌，气愤的离开了。我真的住在木屌路。FML

Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML

今天我才明白，别以为你BF答应你结婚，就真的会在婚礼上出现了。FML
Today, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it says "I'm here for the quicky". Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could have sex with another guy. FML

今天我和一妞儿约会，她一边开车一边和某人发短信，然后在一个房子前停下来，叫我在车里等着。她忘带手机了，我看了最后一条消息，上面说：“我等不及要来一发了。”和我约会只是向她妈妈解释的借口，这样她才好和那个男人做爱。FML

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. On our way to the Space Needle I was pulled over and promptly arrested. Apparently, I had recently purchased a car from a man who had robbed a jewelery store. The ring is now evidence. FML

今天我准备向GF求婚。在我们去太空针塔（西雅图）的路上，我被警察叫停，而且立马就给逮捕了。很显然，他们把我和这辆车的前主人——现在我知道他是个珠宝大盗——搞混了。而我身上的钻戒就是证据。FML

Today, I found out that my wife gave me head lice on purpose so I would have to cut off the ponytail that I've been growing since '99. FML

今天我才发现我头上的那些跳蚤是我老婆故意放的，就为了让我剪断我从1999年就开始留的马尾辫。FML

Today, I received a "diamond ring" in Mafia Wars (a facebook app) from my boyfriend of 3 years. Along with the ring came a message. It read, "Will you marry me?" He was serious. FML

今天我在黑手党战争（一个facebook游戏）里收到了我交往三年的BF给我的一个“钻戒”道具。哦对了，还有条消息：“嫁给我好吗？”他是认真的。FML

Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML
今天我和我很着迷的某人去了星期五餐厅，在要吃完的时候，侍者送来了账单和薄荷糖。我吃了一粒，他说了一句逗我笑的话，我开始咳嗽，薄荷糖卡嗓子眼儿里了。咳了一阵我终于把那玩意儿弄出来了，薄荷糖从我喉咙里飞了出来，打到他的额头，掉进了他的饮料里。FML

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because "god told him to." What god didn't tell him was that I would check his e-mail and find all the e-mails to and from his new girlfriend. FML

今天我BF和我分手了，因为“这是上帝的旨意”。那么上帝没告诉他我会检查他的邮件并且发现他和新女友偷情的e-mail么？FML

Today, my wife gave me back my camera which she took on vacation to visit her parents with our 2-year old. I noticed the picture sequence had big gaps in the numbering. I ran an un软妹子 on the card, and found 80+ pictures of her naked with another guy in her mom's bedroom. FML

今天我老婆把她和我们两岁的孩子去拜访她父母时借去的相机还给我了。我发现照片编号的数字很大，就用恢复文件恢复这张记忆卡，结果发现80多张她光着身子和另外一个男人在一起的照片，还是在她妈妈的卧室里。FML
Today, I proposed to a girl I'd been in love with for 6 years. I filled the balcony of the building where I'd first laid eyes on her with innumerable roses and, under the starlit sky, I did it. She later posted on facebook 'OMG. This geek I knew from high school did the FUNNIEST thing today'. FML

今天我向一个我爱了六年的女孩儿求婚。我用玫瑰把和她初识那大楼的阳台给塞满了，然后，在幽幽星空下，我求婚了。她之后在facebook上发了这么一条消息：“这个我从高中就认识的臭宅做了件超超超搞笑的事儿”。FML

Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying "I didn't wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML

今天，我在一个我很喜欢的男人家参加派对。我们正聊着，他突然把我拽进了他的房间。我暗爽我们的友谊终于能进化到下一个阶段了，结果他拿了一瓶防臭剂给我，说：“我不想在过道里指出来，但你真的得用这个。”FML

Today, I asked the girl I am in love with out on a date. She asked me for my name. FML

今天我问我深爱的女孩儿能不能出去约会。她问我你的名字是什么。FML

Today, my best guy friend set me up on a blind date. Almost immediately after the guy and I sat down, he excused himself to make a call. A couple of feet away from our table, I heard him say, "Come on, Justin, this is the best you could do??" Over the phone. Justin is the guy who set us up. FML

今天我最好的男性朋友给我安排了一场相亲。就在我和他入座的时候，他跟我说他要去打个电话。周围某张桌子上有个男人在接电话，我听到他说：“拜托啊贾斯丁，你就找不到更好的了吗？”贾斯丁就是我那个男性朋友。FML

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me to a movie after days of not seeing me. This long awaited date involved me paying for food and my movie ticket when he ran out of cash again. He then dumped me as we left the theater walking to his car. Well, I financed my own breakup date. FML

好长时间没见面了，今天我男友想和我去约会看电影。这场我等了好久的约会要我自己买食物、买电影票，因为丫又没钱了。然后在看完电影之后他就把我甩了。FML

Today, my wife and I decided to try a relationship book. The first activity was to write down some things your partner does that bothers you. I made a very long list, then my wife and I swapped papers. She'd written, "nothing, I love everything about you." She read my list and began tearing up. FML

今天我老婆和我准备写一本感情小册子。第一件事就是写下你的伴侣让你反感的事儿。我列了很长的一张表，然后我们俩交换着看。她的纸上只写了一句话：“没有反感，我爱你的所有。”她看着我的那张表，哭了。FML

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

今天我花80加刀换了我的手机号码，因为我的前女友总是跟踪我。为了告诉所有人我的新号码，我给通讯录里的所有人发了条群发短信。这个“所有人”也包括她。FML
下面是中国专场

河南
Today, after 9 months in our relationship, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. We had incredible, mind-blowing sex. An hour later, he broke up with me because apparently "my orgasm face is ugly." FML

今天，在9个月的交往之后，我们一对儿处男处女终于把事儿办了。我们做了场爽到不行的爱。然后一个小时之后他和我分手了，因为我“高潮时候的表情太丑了”。FML

北京
Today, I began my job volunteering at an orphanage in Beijing, China, working with 7-year-olds who just started learning english. We played a game where, if you got caught, you had to sing a song. I got caught, so I chose the ABCs. They all knew the song perfectly, I missed 3 letters. FML

今天我在中国北京的一家孤儿院开始了我的志愿者工作，教一群7岁的小孩儿英语。我们玩你被抓住就得唱歌的游戏，我被抓了，所以我唱字母歌。结果他们都会唱字幕歌，我唱漏了三个字母。FML

北京
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to dissapoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower of my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML

今天我在我GF家吃晚饭。她妈妈给我一些风干的花椰菜，我不喜欢吃。为了不让我未来丈母娘失望，我偷偷地把花椰菜挪出盘子，倒给她们家的狗吃。结果那狗开始狂拉稀。FML

天津
Today, I was the best man at a wedding and I was flirting with a cute bridesmaid. Then this old guy decides to give the newlyweds a toast. He made a crappy joke and barely anybody laughed. So I say to the girl "Wow that sucked, who the hell does he think he is?" The girl replies "That's my dad". FML
今天我在一婚礼上做伴郎，并且成功地勾搭上了一漂亮伴娘。然后有个老头给新郎新娘敬酒，他讲了个很屎的冷笑话，根本没人笑。我对那伴娘说：“真够烂的，他以为他谁啊？”她说：“我爸。”FML

北京
Today, I returned home from college and saw a framed picture of my parents and my younger sister on an elephant in an exotic jungle. I pointed to the picture and asked my mom, "Is this some photoshop job?" She responded, "No, we went to Thailand for a family trip, didn't we tell you?" FML

今天我从大学回家，看到了一张我爸妈和我妹妹再森林里骑大象的照片。我指着照片问我妈说：“这是PS的吧？”她回答：“不啊，我们全家去泰国旅游了，没告诉你吗？”FML

上海
Today, I daringly tried that fish bath thingy (the one where all the fish come to you and eat all of your skin's dead cells). I submerged into it and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, 20 of the fish died. FML
今天我毅然决然地尝试了鱼啄浴（就是会有很多医生鱼来吃你身上的角质那种）。我浸在水中、充当了15分钟的人体自助餐后，发现有20条鱼死了。FML

apollo540305

继续继续
Today, I was riding my motorcycle. Suddenly, I saw my cheating ex-wife walking down the road. As a sign of anger, I spat my gum towards her. I forgot that my helmet's visor was still down, so when I spat, the gum stuck against it. I was temporarily blinded and I crashed into the bushes. FML

今天,我在騎摩托車.突然,我看到我出軌的前妻在路邊走著.出於憤怒,我把口中的口香糖吐向她.但是我忘記了我的安全帽帽遮還是蓋著的.所以當我吐的時候,口香糖粘在了上面讓我看不到前方.然後我一頭連車撞進了路邊的灌木叢中
Today, my mom asked me if I was crying because my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. That wasn't why I was crying. My mom knows things before I do. FML

今天,我媽問我哭了的原因是不是因為我的男友對我不忠,還和我最好的朋友搞上了.但那並不是我哭的原因,因為我還不知道這件事情.
Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She also confessed that she has been cheating on me with my best friend for 10 years. I appreciated the honesty, but was slightly upset considering we have only been married for 9 years. FML

今天我老婆告诉我她想离婚，她还承认她和我最好的朋友偷情10年了。我感激她的诚实，但也有点儿不爽，因为我们俩结婚才9年。FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going out tonight to celebrate his ex-but-still-friends-girlfriend's birthday at a local club and hopes I wasn't offended that I wasn't invited. I sure am offended; we have the same birthday. FML

今天，我BF告诉我他今晚要去一个夜总会参加他“分手后仍然是朋友”的前女友的生日聚会，他希望我不要因为没被邀请到而不爽。我当然有不爽。我和她生日是同一天。FML

Today, I was at work doing phone computer support helping a woman with her computer. I asked her to close all her open windows. She 软妹子d all the important company 软妹子s in the open folder instead. I got fired because "close windows" and "软妹子" have become "too technical" for users. FML

今天我通过电话服务帮一个女人修电脑。我让她把开着的窗口都关掉，她就把所有的重要文件都删了。然后我就被炒了，因为“关掉窗口”和“删除”对于用户来说“太技术性”了。FML

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML

今天我BF来我家“找点儿乐子”。我们准备做爱，结果，他前戏的方式就是把我的两个奶子挤到一起，让它们相互说话。FML

Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

今天我告诉我男朋友其实我是个痴女。他给了我一个链接，告诉我说那是他最喜欢的A片，我应该为他做那里面的事情。结果那是youtube上一个女孩做三明治的视频。FML

Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML

今天因为去参加朋友聚会，我到家比平时早了两个小时。我走上楼梯，然后突然我掉头就走，回我朋友的聚会去了。我猜我爸妈也在开一个聚会。聚会的名字叫“和咱们的邻居玩儿3P”。他们不知道我知道这事儿。FML

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

今天我鼓起勇气告诉我爸妈我要换卧室，因为听他们做爱实在是又尴尬又吵人。然后，我爸走过来，用很平和的语气问我我妈在做爱的时候听起来是不是很爽。FML

Today, I got a letter in the mail about my periodic health assessment for active duty Soldiers. I came back positive for two curable STD's that are extremely common on Fort Polk. I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife. FML

今天我收到了一封信，内容是我作为在职士兵的周期健康评估。结果我在两项可治愈的性病中都呈阳性，这两个性病在Fort Polk美军基地很常见。问题是，我就没和老婆之外的人做过爱。FML

Today, it was my fifth wedding anniversary. After an intense lovemaking session, my husband looked lovingly into my eyes and asked, "How do you feel about polygamy?" FML

今天是我们结婚五周年纪念日。在一阵激烈的啪啪啪之后，我老公深情地凝望着我，问我：“你觉得一夫多妻制怎么样？”FML

Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

今天晚上，在喝了很多酒之后，我决定和我的一个男性朋友去公园。我们最后在公园里亲热起来，结果几个小屁孩儿把我们的衣服偷了。我们得光着身子走回去。FML

Today, my drunk boyfriend told me he thought of new positions for us to try in bed because it was getting boring. We haven't had sex yet. FML

今天，我喝醉酒的BF告诉我说他想到了一些新体位因为那些老体位开始显得无聊了。问题在于，我们就没做过爱。FML

Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was"Best positions for a small penis." FML

今天我在用我GF的电脑。在用google搜索的时候，她的搜索记录显示出来了。第一条就是“和小鸡巴的男人做爱要用什么体位”。FML

Today, my younger brother, who is 15, had to show me the quickest way to take off a woman's bra. I'm 12 years older than he is. FML

今天，我15岁的弟弟，教我怎么用最快的速度脱掉一个女人的胸罩。老子比他大12岁。FML

Today, I was working at the gas station. An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank. A really beautiful girl walked by. I lost concentration and overfilled the tank. I quickly pulled it out and squirted the old lady with a bit of petrol. She was smiling and gave a slight moan. FML

今天我在加油站给一个老女人加油。一个很漂亮的姑娘走过，我一时失神不小心加多了。我迅速把加油枪把了出来，一些汽油喷在了老女人身上。她对我微笑，发出了一声满足的呻吟。FML

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

今天我在和BF看电视的时候心血来潮地给他打飞机。在他喷发过后，我想要尝试一个我在A片里学到的动作——用牙齿帮他把拉链拉上去。结果他的包皮卡在拉链里了，接下来的几小时我们都在急诊室里度过。FML
Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around and asked, "Have you had sex yet?" I said no, which is true. My dad cracked up and said, "Told you so!" My mom frowned, took out her wallet, and handed him 20$. My parents bet on my nonexistent sex life. FML

今天我在车里和爸妈在一起。我妈回过头问我我做过爱没。我诚实地说了没有。我爸大笑起来，说：“我说什么来着！”我妈皱着眉头拿出了她的钱包，给了我爸20刀。他们居然打赌这种事情。FML

Today, I was in charge of throwing a party for my mom. I told my little brother he was suppose to blow up the balloons which were in my dresser. Apparently, he accidentally found all my condoms, unknowingly, and decorated the house in prophylactics instead of balloons. Happy Birthday, Mom. FML

今天我负责给我妈办个生日聚会。我让我弟弟去我的柜子里拿气球，把它们吹大。他错拿成了我放在那儿的TT，然后，用TT，而不是气球，装饰了整个房子。老妈生日快乐。FML

Today, I was flirting with this cute girl from Croatia that is part of the my exchange group in Holland. After a few beers and some smooth talking, she led me inside to a closed off room. We were about to have sex when her boyfriend of 2 years called and proposed to her. FML

今天我和一个很赞的克罗地亚姑娘调情，我们在荷兰是一个交流生小组的。在喝了点小酒又调了调情之后，她把我带到一个房间里。正当我们准备准备做爱的时候，她两年的男朋友打电话来，向她求婚，FML（我觉得这个要fuck his life）

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

今天我BF骑山地车的时候带了我。在和他骑了大概10分钟后，我高潮了。在和BF交往的三年中，他用尽各种办法也没让我高潮。FML

Today, it was my boyfriend and my six-month anniversary. I've really fallen in love with him, and I know he loves me the same. So I got him a really nice gift, a watch he's had his eye on for as long as I've known him. It was expensive. What does he get me? A condom. Three actually. FML

今天是我和BF的恋爱三周年纪念日，我真的很爱她，我也知道他爱我。我给他买了个很棒的礼物，一块他一直想要的手表。很贵的一块儿手表。他给我买了什么？一个TT。哦不，其实是三个。FML

Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML

今天我醒来的时候，发现我睡觉的时候在暴操我的枕头。我妈把整个过程给录下来了。FML

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents. They were both on the bed, and I was lying on the floor next to their bed. Halfway through the movie, apparently forgetting that I was in the room, my parents started getting friendly. Three feet away from me. FML

今天我和我爸妈在看电影。他们在床上看，我躺在他们床边的地上看。看到一半的时候，他们开始演示创造我的过程——很显然他们忘记我也在屋子里了。我就在边上啊。FML
oday, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML

今天我和GF做完之后去上班，让她在床上继续躺着。到班之后她打电话质问我我背叛她多久了。我们做爱从来不戴套，但她在整理箱子的时候发现了好几个TT。我不得不在我同事面前向她解释那些TT是我用来打飞机的。FML

（下面这条同意的有5K人，说活该的有10W……）
Today, I sent pictures to my ex of me and my new boyfriend in bed. He sent them to my dad. FML

今天我给我EX看我和我新BF做爱的照片。他把照片转发给我爸爸了。FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. It turns out that it was a camera. My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. She saw the whole thing. FML

今天我和GF在造爱。一切都是那么美妙，直到我惊悚地发现柜子上的一处亮光。那是一个摄像头。我妈妈放它在那儿来确保我有打扫房间。她全看见了。FML

Today, I finally had sex with a girl I've been dating for over a month. Before we got started she told me not to worry about the birth control because she could handle that. So after we finished I asked her what kind of birth control she used. She said she meditated. FML

今天我终于和一个约会一个多月的女孩做爱了。在我们开始之前她告诉我不用担心会怀孕，她会做避孕措施。在云雨之后，我问她她用的什么避孕措施。她告诉我是“冥想”。FML

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

今天我GF用给我咬来贿赂我，因为我们晚上要和她爸妈去吃饭。好消息是：那是她有史以来最好的一次BJ。坏消息是：我喷在了她的黑裙子上。她在我的蛋蛋上有力地打了一记直拳。痛。FML

Today, my mom's car broke down after leaving the movies. We were waiting on a corner for my dad when a cop pulled up to us. He started to arrest me and my mom for "soliciting sex." Even a cop thinks my mom dresses like a hooker. FML

今天我和我妈去看电影，我妈的车坏了，我们在街角等我爸来接，直到一个条子过来把我们俩给逮捕了，因为他觉得我们“企图进行性交易”。连条子都觉得我妈穿的像妓女。FML

Today, I went out to dinner with my brother. There was a very attractive man sitting a few tables away who kept glancing at me. When my brother excused himself to the bathroom, the man worked up the courage to come over and introduce himself to me. He asked me if my brother was single. FML

今天我和我哥去吃饭，别桌有一个很帅的男人在看我。当我哥去上厕所的时候，那个男人鼓起勇气走过来，和我搭讪。他问我我哥是否单身。FML

Today, is the first day of my honeymoon. It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids... Day one, I got my period 7 days early. FML

今天是我蜜月的第一天。这是六年来我第一次真正意义上的假期。我们有三个孩子、有间小屋，我们终于有9天的时间在酒店里做我们爱做的事儿，没有孩子和房子的干扰……就在今天，我的姨妈提前7天来了。FML

Today, was my boyfriends birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML

今天是我BF的生日，他想要我在他打COD4的时候给他BJ。在他的角色被打死的时候，他愤怒地砸了手柄。就砸在我脑袋上。FML

Today, I took my girlfriend's virginity. A few minutes in she remarked, "If this is what sex is normally like then I'm seriously disappointed." FML

今天我把我女朋友给破处了。几分钟后，她告诉我：“如果这就是做爱的话，我真的很失望。”FML

Today, my husband and I were having sex in the shower while our 5-year old was sleeping. Apparently, she wasn't sleeping and she asked me what those loud noises were. I told her I was singing. Now I can't get her to stop "singing" in the shower. FML

今天我在我女儿睡觉的时候和老公在浴室里做爱。显然她没睡着，事后她问我那些声音是什么。我告诉她我在唱歌。现在她正在浴室里“放声欢歌”。FML

Today, my girlfriend of ten months sent me a picture message of her making out with a guy. Under it, it read "you can pick your stuff up in the morning." FML

今天我收到了一条我10个月的女友和另外一个男人亲热的短信。下面写着一句话：“你可以明天早上来拿你的东西。”FML

Today, I was having sex with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. I missed. I smacked my balls instead. Real hard. FML

今天我和一个女孩啪啪啪。我们做得很火热，所以我决定打她的屁股。我失手了——我打到了自己的蛋蛋。痛啊。FML

Today, I let my on-again, off-again boyfriend spend the night. For months we had been fighting about his new flame. After he convinced me that they are no longer an item, we had the most mind-blowing sex then we fell asleep. I awoke to him moaning her name. Followed by pelvic thrusts. FML

今天我和我分手又复合的BF在一起过夜。这几个月我们为了他的新外遇不停地争吵。在他答应我不会再想她后，我们疯狂地啪啪啪，然后睡觉。然后我被一阵喃喃声吵醒了——那是他在梦里念她的名字。他一边念一边骨盆还在做活塞运动。FML

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

（这是个女的）今天我做了一个梦，梦里我有一台能给我免费食物的自动售货机，我一直吃啊吃，真是太爽了，这种饱腹的满足感简直无法用言语形容。然后当我醒来，我发现我的手正在我的双腿之间。我居然在梦到免费食物的时候自慰。FML

Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent causing the girl to scream and runaway. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML

我在野营。我和一个很赞的女孩儿打得火热，昨晚我们去我的帐篷做爱。我正要插入的时候一只浣熊跑进了我的帐篷，这个女孩儿尖叫着跑走了。这叫什么事儿啊。FML

Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, "No Brandon! I don't want to have sex!" My wife won't have sex with me when she's awake OR in her dreams. FML

今天我醒来的时候听到我老婆在梦呓：“不要，布兰顿！我不要做爱！”我老婆不管是在现实生活还是在梦里都不要和我做爱。FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that I look better in different kinds of light. I asked him which kind of light I looked best in. His reply? "No light at all."
今天，我BF说，我在不同的光线下看起来更好看。我问他那种光线下我最好看，他说，没光最好看~
Today, I came home from work late (2:30am). As I snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiancee half awake said "No, no... Dan will be home soon." I am Dan. FML

我今天深夜两点半加班回来。我蹑手蹑脚地走进卧室，躺在我未来的妻子旁边，我半醒的未婚妻对我说：“不要，不要……丹马上就要回来了。”我就是丹。FML

Today, I hooked up with a girl from the bar. We went back to my place and started making out, I took off her shirt and bra and started kissing her breasts. I felt her chest hair tickle my tongue. FML

今天我在酒吧勾搭上了一个女孩。我们去我家亲热。我把她的衣服和胸罩脱掉，亲她的⊙⊙。我感觉她的胸毛让我的舌头发痒。FML

Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML

今天我家遭贼了。我新买的本本被偷了，我的平板电视、DC、移动硬盘和衣服都被偷了。为了安慰自己我准备吃我冰箱里的Ben & Jerry's牌儿Phish Food口味的冰激凌。打开冰箱，我发现冰激凌也被偷了。FML

Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML

今天我坐公车，一个男的在摸我屁股。我正要踩他脚时汽车到站了，他溜下去了。然后我才意识到我钱包被偷了。FML

Today, I was cleaning out my bedside table when I came across some condoms I bought on my 18th birthday, to use the first time I had sex. They expired five years ago. I'm still waiting for my first time. FML

今天我在整理我的床头柜时发现了一些TT，是我在18岁生日时买的，我准备在我的初夜时用。18岁生日已经过去五年了。我还在等我的初夜。FML

Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML

今天我和一个新认识的男人做爱了。我们做完后，他发现了我床头柜上的打火机，对我说：“我一直想试试这个！”他把打火机放在屁股后面，放了个屁，造了一团火。他走之后，我光着身子就坐在那里，囧死了。FML

Today, I went to the Verizon because my phone was broken. It hadn't rang in 3 weeks. I hadn't gotten any text messages either. So, I got to the store they check out my phone. They told me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my phone. No one had called me in 3 weeks. Then they charged me $30. FML

今天我去Verizon的维修站修我的手机。它已经三个星期没响过了，三个星期里我没接到任何电话和短信。所以我让他们检查一下我的手机。结果我的手机没有任何问题，三个星期里没有任何人给我打电话发短信，一个也没有。我还得付给他们30块。FML

Today, me and my girlfriend were heading back to her place. On the way there, she was rubbing and stroking me. When we got there, I asked her mom for a congrats hug. I forgot I had a hard on from my girlfriend. She felt it. FML

今天我和我GF去她家。在开车去的路上她一直在掳我。到她家后，我和她妈妈来了个友好的拥抱。我忘了我还勃着。她妈妈感觉到了。FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice "oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML

今天我BF和我在啪啪啪。为了做的更刺激点，我用我最性感的声音说：“哦耶，再用力点~再用力点~”我BF显然不习惯做爱时说这种话，他拔了出来，很生气地说：“我已经很努力了！你到底想怎么样啊？”FML

Today, I found out my parents joined the mile high club. While I was on the plane. FML

今天在和爸妈一起搭飞机的时候，我发现他们有加入“千尺欢爱俱乐部”。FML

Today, I went to a chinese restaurant with my asian girlfriend. When she went into the bathroom I practiced saying "Can we have sex" in chinese which is where she is from. After saying it a few times out loud, a waiter walked by and stared at me. When he gave me the check he included his number. FML

今天我和我的中国女友去一个中餐馆吃饭。在她去厕所的时候，我趁机练习中文的“我们啪啪啪好嘛”。这时店里的服务生经过，盯着我看。当他给我账单的时候，我发现上面写着他的电话号码。FML

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML

今天我交往两年的女友和我决定第一次做爱。我们开好房，准备开始的时候，她告诉我她还没见过小弟弟是啥样呢。为了让她放松些，我给她看了我的。当她看到我那话儿的时候，嗯……她晕过去了。FML

Today, I was surprised to learn that I could carry on intelligent conversations about basketball with my guy friends. Then I realized it was because my boyfriend insists on watching ESPN while we have sex. FML

今天我吃惊的发现我可以和我的男性朋友流畅地谈论篮球。然后我意识到这时因为我BF坚持在做爱的时候看ESPN的节目。FML

Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML

今天我和一个很漂亮的女孩约会，然后我们去我家。半道儿上，她对我说：“你要是个吸血鬼就好了。”然后她就掉头回自己家去了。FML

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

今天我第一次尝试把TT放在嘴里来给我BF做口活。结果我太紧张了，TT被我吞了下去，然后我开始剧烈的咳嗽。FML

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

今天我在看一个动物电影。突然，两只蜗牛出现在了画面上。我硬了。FML

Today, I found out that the guy i've been having sex with for over a month didn't know my name until today. No wonder he always ever called me 'baby.' FML

今天我才发现和我做爱超过一个月的那个男人一直不知道我的名字。难怪总他叫我“宝贝儿”。FML

Today, I looked down to see a tiny spider crawling on the inside of my leg, very close to my crotch. When I tried to brush it off, it only flew a couple inches because it was making a web between my legs. Even a spider knew that it's been awhile. FML

（这是个女的）今天我朝下看，发现一只蜘蛛在我的大腿内侧爬，很靠近我那里。当我想打掉它的时候，它飞行了几英寸，因为它正在我的腿间织网。连蜘蛛都知道我这里好久没用过了。FML
Today, I saw a couple of beetles doing it. Jealous, I quickly crushed them with my boot while screaming, "IF I CAN'T DO IT, NOBODY WILL!" All the little kids playing on the local playground, including parents supervising them, gave me dirty, confused looks. FML

今天我看到了一对甲壳虫在交尾。触景生情，我用力地用靴子踩向了它们：“要是老子不能做，你们谁也别想！”结果周围玩耍的所有的孩子和他们的父母都用一种很奇怪的眼神看着我……FML

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

今天，我正准备在我交往了两年的GF身上失去童贞。然后我接到了一个很紧急的电话，是我9岁的小妹妹打来的：“快回家吧！奶奶上厕所的时候摔了下来，卡在马桶和墙之间了。”这是真事儿！FML

Today, I went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor went through the normal questions, then paused for a moment and jotted something down. Later when I got back my report from the checkup, I noticed that the doctor had checked the "no" box by "sexually active." She didn't even ask me that. FML.

（女的）今天我去医生那里体检。医生问了我一些问题，然后暂停片刻，又草草写下些东西。然后我就收到了我的体检报告，我发现医生在我的“性行为”那栏里打了“否”。她问都没问我。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops, looks directly at me, and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN!" and proceeds to flip me over, grab his clothes, and run out of my room. FML

今天我的BF和我在床上缠绵。突然，一句吆喝从外面传来：“嘭！鼹鼠来喽！”我BF停止了动作，兴奋地看着我说：“卖冰激凌的来啦！”然后他把我抛在一边，拿着他的衣服就冲出了房门。FML

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house.I've been a vegetarian for 4 years, and his mother made lasagna with meat in it. After telling her I don't eat meat, my boyfriend's father proceeds to say "we know who's meat she does eat." My boyfriend, his mother, and I were standing right there. FML

今天我在我BF家吃晚饭，我成为素食主义者有四年了，他妈妈做了有肉末的意大利宽面。当我告诉她我不吃肉后，我男友的爸爸说了句：“我们都知道她会吃什么‘肉’的……”我，我男友，他妈妈，当场黑线。FML

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to throw me against the wall and kiss me like they do in the movies. Being all aggressive and smooth, he grabs my shirt and pushes me. He pushed a little too hard and my head was thrown back into the wall. I was knocked out for ten minutes. FML

今天，我BF觉得像电影里那样把我扔向墙然后亲吻我会很性感。于是，他做出很野性的样子，抓住我的衣服把我推向了墙。他有一点太大力了——我的头撞到了墙，我昏迷了10分钟。FML

Today, I met a really hot guy at a bar. We talked for a while and really seemed to hit it off. We ended up going to my apartment. He stopped and said, "Clean up this mess and maybe we could do something another time." I am a complete neat freak - my apartment had been robbed and trashed. FML

今天我和一个很帅的男人在酒吧认识了，我们一碰即和。之后我们准备去我家过夜。开门之后，他看着我的房子，对我说：“你下次把房子收拾干净点我们再做。”可我是个百分百的洁癖者——我的房子被小偷光顾了。FML

Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's penis, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML

今天我女儿在我洗澡的时候走进来，她说：“嘿，你的那话儿和迪伦的一样大呢！”我女儿见过迪伦的那话儿了。迪伦的那话儿和我的一样大。我女儿和迪伦都是7岁。FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML

今天我和我GF做爱。她开始大口喘气并开始“啊，啊，啊……”我想她是要来了。就在我还没反应过来的时候，鼻涕溅在了我的脸上、脖子上。FML

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

今天，我觉得和我女朋友做的时候看A片会很爽。是很爽……太爽了。我连A片前面的剧情介绍都没看完就喷发了。一分钟都不到。FML

Today, I was feeling horny at work all day so I texted my wife tellng her nasty things I wanted to do with her when we got back. When I came home, I was all aroused and ready to pounce. She gave me a handjob. While watching 'wheel of fortune'. FML

今天上班的时候我感到很饥渴，所以我发短信给我老婆，跟她说回家后我要和她疯狂啪啪啪。我到家的时候已经完全被挑起来了，等不及要和她OX。结果她给我打了一次飞机——一边打一边眼睛还在盯着“幸运大转轮”。FML

Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML

今天条子来我的公寓，他们说要进来检查。检查一番之后他们表示满意，并且告诉我他们收到了噪音投诉。具体的说，我的一些好邻居听到了尖叫，他们认为可能有女孩子被强奸了。事实是，我的两个好朋友和我经常在我的公寓练习摔角——我们仨都是男的。FML

apollo540305

Today, my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Manix Endurance containing a numbing gel designed to help me "last longer". FML

今天我GF给我买了新的TT：玛尼仕牌那种含有可以麻木JJ的胶体的品种，为了让我“更持久”。FML

Today, I wanted to wake up my sweetheart by... well, you can guess. It surprised him - I got kneed in the stomach. FML

今天我想用……（你们猜？）来叫我的爱人起床。结果那吓到他了——我的腹部被他的膝盖重重地顶了一下。FML

Today, I haven't had sex for so long that my condoms have gone off. FML

太久没做爱了——我的TT都不见了。FML

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

今天我和我GF用经典的69位造爱。我没能控制好自己——我的气体全跑进了她的鼻子里。FML

Today, I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back... She carried on moaning even though I'd stopped moving. FML

今天我和GF做爱。我们活塞运动了一会儿，然后我停下来，喘口气……而她没有停止呻吟。FML

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML

今天我和一个女孩儿做爱，她在高潮的时候大声哭喊：“原谅我上帝！原谅我上帝！”FML

Today, I caught one of my cats humping my huge dog while he was asleep... I'm sleeping with the door closed from now on. FML

今天我发现我养的猫当中的一只在我养的大狗睡觉时对它做活塞运动……我决定以后睡觉都要关门。FML

Today I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites- and ended up meeting my own girlfriend. FML

今天我去一个偷情网站注册了——然后看到了我自己的女朋友。FML

Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML

今天我GF告诉我她不想啪啪啪，因为太费时间了。FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad (one of my roomates name) when I came. Now her and her friends think i'm gay and my roomate Brad moved out. FML

今天我和GF啪啪啪的时候不小心在高潮时把她叫成了布拉德。（我室友的名字）现在她和她的朋友都觉得我是基佬，布拉德搬出去了。FML

Today, the girl I'm in love with told me she might be a lesbian. She then asked me if I wanted to have sex with her. I asked if she was 100% sure she was a lesbian? Her reply was: "No, I just think you'd be a good transition". FML

今天我爱的女孩儿告诉我她可能是蕾丝边。然后她问我愿不愿意和她做爱。我问她你确定你是拉拉吗？她说：“不，不过和你在一起可以帮我过渡到真·拉拉。”FML
Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. At that point I noticed my phone had fallen out of my pocket in the street and was run over by several cars. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

今天我看到一个老人在穿过马路的时候摔倒了，于是我跳下自行车去救他。当我帮助他通过人行道的时候我发现绿灯亮了，而我的手机从口袋中掉在了马路中央，同时几辆汽车呼啸而过。当我过去找我的自行车的时候，我发现沃尔自行车已经被偷了。。。

Today, I was running on a soccer field and accidently dropped my gum from my mouth. No one had noticed so I picked it up and started chewing again. It was a different flavor. FML

今天，我在足球场上奔跑的时候，突然我嘴里的口香糖掉在球场上了。因为没人发现，所以我就把它捡起来继续嚼。我发现这个口香糖是另外一种味道的。

Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his $20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML

今天，我的小镇举办了一次给癌症募捐的园游会。我负责打理一个“亲吻小站”（就是捐钱以后得到一个吻）。一个很可爱的男生过来付了20刀，看了看我，就说：“就算是为了癌症我也不干了。”然后就把钱拿了回去，跑掉了。FML

Today, I was going running. It was an especially windy day and things were flying through the wind. Apparently, bodily fluid can a*so fly through the wind. Turns out, a women was barfing over a bridge and the wind caught it and it flew through the air. Right into my face and body. FML

今天，我准备去跑步。今天是个大风天，东西被吹得四处飞。很明显，体液 也可以被吹得四处飞。一个女人站在桥上，吐了，吐的东西被风刮了起来然后就在空气当中翻飞——飞得我满身满脸。FML

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML

今天，我在酒吧遇到了一个男生，于是我们后来就回到了我的房间。我们开始OOXX，大概三十秒以后，他就停下来说这事并不对——他太喜欢我了，喜欢到不能忍受和我一(HX你妹）夜(HX你妹）情的地步。他给了我电话号码，吻了我的脸颊以后离开了。实际上他已经射了 -_- 于是我给他打电话——但是是错误号码。FML

Today, is my long-anticipated 21st birthday! Today also happens to be the first day of my period. I've spent the whole morning in the fetal position with agonizing cramps, reduced to tears and whimpering while the painkiller refuses to kick in. Happy birthday! Love, my uterus. FML

今天，是我盼望已久的21岁生日！今天也TM刚好是我大姨妈来的第一天。我一早上都难受得要死，痛苦的绞痛，搞得我鼻涕一把眼泪一把的，镇痛剂也不管用……生日快乐！爱你的，子（河蟹你妹）宫。FML!

Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant, I'd forgotten my glasses and had a migraine. I was straining my eyes, squinting and rubbing my temples to alleviate my migraine. I was kicked out of the restaurant and banned henceforth because my waitress thought I was mocking her eyes. FML

今天，我在一家中餐馆吃饭。我忘了我的眼镜，所以感觉有些偏头痛。我挤着眼睛，又捏又压我的太阳穴试图缓解头痛。我被从餐馆里赶了出来，永远不得入内，因为那个女服务员以为我在嘲笑她的眼睛。FML

Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML

今天，我走到厨房里面，不小心打碎了我妈的花瓶。我说：“事故时有发生嘛。”她回答，“对，像你的出生一样。”FML

Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML

今天，我在我女友的家里的垃圾桶里发现了一个用过的套套和包装。我从来没用过这个牌子的套套。她自己一个人住。FML

Today, I got T-boned by a woman going 60 mph. I was unconscious for hours while a tube was inserted into my collapsed lung. Upon waking up my 16-year old brother thought it would be hilarious to yank out my leg hairs. FML

今天，我被一个女人60码了。我昏迷了几个小时，穿孔的肺上插了根管子。我醒来了以后，就看到了我那个“拔你的腿毛真TMD好玩啊”的16岁弟弟。FML
Today, a friend offered to have sex with me, since I'm a 19 year old virgin who's only been kissed. He then added on that I would have to give him my Wii in return. FML

今天,一個朋友說可以跟我啪啪啪,但是知道了我是19歲的處女,而且僅僅被親吻過的程度而已之后.他附加了條件:要我把我的Wii給他. (靠,任青.......)

Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML

今天我對我的醫師說我懷疑我的伴侶不忠,但是我並不認為他相信我."什麽,難道你在他的口袋裏面找到過sex俱樂部會員卡之類的東西嗎?"他這樣問道.當我回家的時候,我翻了一下他的口袋.我發現了一張sex俱樂部會員卡.

Today, my 8 year old little sister said "f you" to my mom. My mom thought I told her to say that and grounded me for a month. Later, my sister came up to me and said "Gotcha, bitch." FML

今天,我8歲的妹妹對我媽說"操你".我媽認為是我教壞了她并罚我一个月禁止外出.后来,我妹妹过来对我说"做掉你了,婊子.".

Today, my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. I was last and I was the smallest. I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. They now call me "the stereotype". FML
今天,我的朋友们和我决定比一比谁的那话大.我是最后一个而且是最小的.我是朋友中唯一的亚洲人.现在他们叫我"成见(对亚洲人的)".
Today, I was riding the subway to work. Barely anyone was on because of how early it was. Me and this one guy in a trench coat were in the same cart. His stop came. He walked by me, flashed me, rubbed his penis on my arm, and then ran away really fast. FML

今天，我坐地铁上班。因为很早，所以地铁里没什么人。我和一个穿雨衣的哥们坐在一节车厢里面。他的车站到了。于是他走到我身边，闪了我一下，用他的JJ蹭了蹭我的胳膊以后一溜烟就跑没影了。FML

Today, I was nude modeling for the first time for a life art class. The only criteria for the class was that I not move at all while being observed. After a few seconds I noticed a really hot girl drawing me. I got a hard on. FML

今天，我第一次在一个美术课当裸体模特。班级唯一的要求是我在被观察的时候绝对不能动。几秒钟以后我就注意到了一个非常火辣的女孩在画我——于是我硬了。FML

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

今天，我那笃信教的祖母正巧碰到我在ZW。她准备把我送到圣经夏令营里去。FML

Today, my mother told me she needed a urine sample to send in to the doctors to test for any allergies. I did what she had asked and went to my room. I came down stairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML

今天，我妈告诉我说她需要我的一点尿样来送给医生检查我是不是有任何过敏症状。我照做了，然后就回屋去了。过了一会我下了楼，发现她在厕所里面，正在把我的尿往一根怀孕测试棒上倒。FML

Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother". FML

今天，我半夜偷摸地跑出房子去了。我和我爸碰了个正着——他拿着酒，准备进到另一栋房子里去。我当时没猜他有外遇还是什么的，直到他说：“如果你不说，我就不说——求求你别告诉你妈。”FML

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

今天，我才发现我妈在我和我哥们十岁的时候，给了他20刀来雇他当我的朋友。FML

Today, while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been. She replied : "Trying to lose your virginity." FML

今天，在做医学院申请的时候，我问了我妈她认为我目前为止生活中遇到的最大挑战是什么。她回答：“试着破处。”FML

Today,when I had a masturbating I saw that my sister was having a sex with my brother.FML

今天，我ZW的时候看见我姐和我哥在OOXX。FML

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I've had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn't a girl. FML

今天，我终于鼓起勇气，向一个非常可爱的女孩表白说已经喜欢她超过8个月了。结果我发现她不是女的。FML

Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML

今天，我在外面和朋友逛。我6岁的小女儿也和我们在一起。在经过一个停车场时，我的女儿非常大声地问我：“妈咪，KJ尝起来很糟糕吗？”FML

Today, my mom came into my room to have a heart to heart talk.
My dildo was sitting on the nightstand.
I didn't notice until she told me to make sure the dog didn't get it.
FML

今天,我老妈来我房间与我进行一次心灵深处的谈话.我的ZW用具放在了床头柜上.我没有注意到这点直到我妈告诉我要小心那东西被DOG拿去了.FML
Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML

今天我发现我老婆这两年在和我ML之前都要抽大《盒谐你妹》麻烟，她说只有这样她才能忍受和我OOXX。FML

Today, I found out that my brother was selling pictures of me showering. For what? World of warcraft money. FML
今天, 我发现我哥哥/弟弟在卖我洗澡的照片. 为了什么? WOW的钱. FML

Today, I got hypnotized at my school's variety show. Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy doing, I began to violently hump the floor. FML

今天，我在学校的杂耍秀上被催眠了。很明显，当我被要求去做一件“我特别喜欢做的事情”时，我开始和地板激烈地OOXX。FML

Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My team mates waved and said "Bye POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot. FML

今天，足球比赛结束后，我和我爸向车走去。我的队友一边挥手一边说“再见了，陶罐脑袋！”他们这样叫我是因为他们认为我的头的形状像个罐子。当然啦，我老爹可不吃这套——我现在被禁足了不让出门，就因为我的头形状不对——实际上我从来没吸过大(HX)麻。FML

豆知识：Pot(陶罐）也有大(HX)麻的意思。所以，他老爸认为他的队友在叫他“大(HX)麻脑袋”

Today, I took a test as part of a job requirement. I took a sip from a bottle of juice, and the lady leading the test gave me a warning. I tried to explain that if I didn't, I would faint. She took the bottle and hid it. 15 minutes later I collapsed. She thought I was faking. I'm hypoglycemic. FML

今天，作为申请工作的一部分，我参加了一个考试。我吸了一小口果汁，监考的女士立刻给了我警告。我试图解释说如果我不喝，我就会晕倒——结果她还是把瓶子拿走并藏了起来。15分钟后我果然倒地了，可是她以为我是装的。我这个人低血糖。FML

Today, I was going on a plane to Chicago. My passport picture is 6 years old, and back then I was a beautiful model. Now, I gave birth to a child and gained 50 lbs. When I showed my passport to the airport atendents, I got arrested for stealing someones passport. FML

今天，我准备坐飞机前往芝加哥。我的护照照片有6年没换了；那时候我还是个很漂亮的模特。现在，我生了个孩子，体重长了50磅。于是乎当我给机场人员出示护照时，我被以“偷窃他人护照”的罪名逮捕。FML

Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML

今天，我妈把我叫到楼下；我以为她会终于给我来一场“人生当中最重要的演讲”（虽说晚了能有四年之久）。于是她让我坐下，握住我的手，用温柔的、充满母爱的表情告诉我说：“宝贝，如果你有一天突然怀孕了的话，我就把你和你的小崽子都杀了。”FML

Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

今天，我的父母造访我的公寓的时候，我养的鸟开始大吵大闹。它在模仿我昨天晚上做爱做的事的时候的呻吟声。此鸟一直在用我的声音尖叫着，特别容易分辨。FML

Today, I was at the mall with some friends. In the food court we passed by this creepy pervert feeling up a woman. I take a closer look and realize with horror that the guy is my dad in sunglasses and a hat. The lady he was with was not my mom. FML

今天，我和我的朋友们在逛购物中心。在美食广场里面我们遇到了一个恶心的变态正在抚摸一个女人。我定睛一看，惊恐地发现那个变态就是我老爸，戴了个墨镜和一顶帽子。而且那个被摸的女的不是我妈。FML

Today, my wife of over 20 years told me she wants a divorce because she wants "a change in life". She has had the same mullet hair cut since '84. FML

今天，和我结婚超过20年的老婆告诉我说她想啊要离婚，因为她想要“改变一下生活”。她那发型从1984年起就没换过。FML

Today, my mom came to wake me up because my alarm didn't go off. She brought my dog in to wake me up and he came and laid on bed. I started to rub what i thought was his neck and playing with a random tuft of fur. I soon realized that it was his penis. I gave my dog a handjob. FML

今天，我妈来叫我起床，因为我的闹钟没响。她让我的狗来把我叫醒，于是狗进到屋子里来，躺倒了床上。我开始抚摸我认为是它的脖子的地方，也玩了玩一团不知是它身上哪里的毛。然后我意识到了，那是它的JJ。也就是说我帮我的狗打灰机了。FML

Today, I had a terrible dream where my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. I woke up almost crying and called him just to tell him how much he means to me. Turns out my dream gave him that little extra push he needed to confess he's been cheating on me. With his ex. FML

今天，我做了个噩梦，梦见了我的男朋友背着我和他的前女友搞外遇。我几乎是哭着醒了过来，立刻打电话给他，告诉他他对我来说是多么重要。结果，我的梦反倒成了他向我坦白他的罪行的推动力——他确实是在背着我搞外遇。和他的前女友。FML

Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had payed the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML

今天，我和我认为一定会娶的女孩共享晚餐。一切都很顺利。结账之后，她跟我说她是同志。就在我认为事情不能再糟的时候，她向我挑战，说要比赛看谁能先把到妹。我输了。FML

Today, I overheard my parents having sex. Trying to be the reasonable person I was, I dismissed it, realizing that sex is just normal. I quickly walked past their room when my cat ran past me into their room, cracking open the door. Now my parents think I was peeping and need therapy. FML

今天，我听到了我父母在OOXX。试着做一位看得开的人，我马上打消了奇怪的想法，因为我知道食色性也嘛。我快速地经过了他们的房门，可是就在此时我的猫经过我身边跑进了他们的卧室，把门给撞开了——现在我的父母以为我在偷看，而且需要看心理医生。FML

Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to f*** off. FML

今天，在婚礼彩排的时候，我妈跟我丈母娘说了句滚NMLGB。FML

Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML

今天，我用了从纽约到波士顿大客车上的厕所，小心翼翼地在马桶座上盖了20多张单片厕纸。在我嘘嘘的时候，客车越过了一处凸起的路面，来了个急转弯——于是我裸露的整片PP都被飞溅起来的尿花和屎花溅满了。而且那些都不是我的。FML

Today, I was walking up to girlfriends house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic i surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and i watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriends mom in the face. FML

今天，我走向我的女朋友家，正好碰到了她那可怕的海军陆战队老爸向我扔橄榄球。我不是很擅长运动，于是我接住了那球的时候我自己也吓了一跳。他向我示意扔回去，然后我就眼睁睁地看着橄榄球疯狂地旋转着向左面飞去，正中我女朋友的妈妈的脸。FML

Today, I woke up to 70 new text messages and 100 calls all from numbers I didn't know. The night before I got into a heated argument with my old best friend about who was prettier. She got mad and posted my number on craigslist.com as a prostitute. Apparently I won. FML

今天，我醒来的时候，发现我有了70多条新短信和100个未接来电，全是我不认识的号码。昨天晚上，我和我以前最好的朋友在关于谁更漂亮的问题上吵得热火朝天——她气得要死，于是她把我的照片和号码发到了craigslist.com上，说我的职业是鸡。从结果上看我更漂亮。FML

Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on facebook was FML. FML

今天，我一辈子从没这么高兴过地从睡梦中醒来，因为昨天晚上我和我暗恋了将近一年的女孩好上了，而我以前一直以为我没机会。今天早上，我看到她facebook上的“状态”是“FML”。FML

Today, I found the source of the bad smell that has been plaguing me for the past two weeks in my apartment. The police knocked on my door asking if I've seen my neighbor recently. I haven't. The smell has been that of a dead person. It's a smell that even Febreze can't remove. FML

今天，我找到了过去两周以来我公寓里面一直挥而不去的恶心的味道的来源。警察那天砸我房门，问我最近是不是看到了我的邻居。我没看见过他。这股味道是死人身上发出来的。空气清新剂都去不掉这个味。FML


Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML

今天，我走进浴室的时候发现我的姐姐在清洗她的ZW器。用我的牙刷。FML
Today, I filled out a political survey for a psychology experiment. A really cute girl was doing it, too. We hit it off and flirted through the surveys, and I asked her out when it was done. Then I found out it was really an attraction experiment and she was in on it. She was acting. FML

今天，我参与了一个心理实验，做了份政治方面的调查问卷。一个非常可爱的女孩也在做问卷。我们之间挺来电，在做卷子的过程中一直互相调情。在结束的时候，我请她出去约会了。然后我才发现，我参与的实验实际上是个“吸引力测验”，她是工作人员。她一直在演戏。FML

Today, I got a text message. It said, "I'm so drunk. What you up to, girl?" It was my dad. FML

今天，我收到了条短信。上面说：“我喝醉了。你有事吗，宝贝？”是我爸发的。FML

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven't slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML

今天，我交往了4年的男友说他要甩了我，因为我们几个星期都没有OOXX了。我刚刚生了我们的第一个孩子，而且仍然在慢慢地从剖腹产的伤痛当中回复过来。FML


Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

今天，我在洗澡，需要洗发露。我靠在香皂支架上去取了一些，然后那支架从墙上掉下来了。一大堆巨大的蚂蚁开始从墙里面涌出来，在墙上爬上爬下，到处都是。我尖叫着从浴室里逃了出来，身上啥都没穿。FML

Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML

今天，我才意识到我的室友一直在用我的清洁布擦厕所。也就是说这六个月来，我一直在用四个大学男生的大粪清洗自己的身体。FML

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more phone credit, so I bought her more and got another message saying "Great, now I have enough credit for this..." as she spelled out a three page message breaking up with me. Yes, I paid for her to break up with me via text. FML

今天，我从女友那里收到了一条短信，说她需要更多的话费。于是我给她充了更多，然后就收到了另一条短信说：“太好了，现在我有足够的钱说这个了……”紧跟着就是长达三页的短信说她要跟我分手。没错，她跟我通过短信分手了，我还给她结了账。FML

Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML

今天，我去做了超声波，因为我怕得睾丸癌。很显然，我签的字的协议允许让一个实习生来拿我做练习。她20多岁，火辣到爆，所以当她在我的蛋蛋上涂抹胶状物的时候，我硬了。FML

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant for my friend's birthday. I went to the bathroom and heard the woman in the other stall crying. She couldn't pull her underwear up over her obese, old-lady ass because her arms don't reach that far anymore. I was the only one there. I had no choice. FML

今天，我去了一家不错的餐馆给我的朋友庆祝生日。我去了趟洗手间，然后就听到了一个女人在一个隔间里面哭。她不能把内裤拉起来到她那肥胖的、老女人的大PP上，因为她的胳膊太短够不着。我是洗手间里唯一的人。我别无选择。FML

Today, I was with a group of friends at a bar, and we were all talking about whether we were moaners, screamers, or quiet during sex. My boyfriend said that he was a moaner, which I contradicted. Completely straightfaced, he said, "Well, I am when it's good." FML

今天，我和一群朋友在酒吧里面，都在谈论我们在OOXX的时候是喜欢呻吟，还是尖叫，还是不怎么出声（汗……）。我的男友说他喜欢呻吟，我反驳了他。然后他面无表情地说，“好吧，只有在做得好的时候。”FML


Today, I was about to get it on with a girl in the bathroom of my friend's house at a party. Just when things started getting heated, a pipe burst. Literally. There was water everywhere and everyone had to evacuate the building. I was cockblocked by poor plumbing. FML

今天，我在我朋友家的派对里面，正准备和一个女孩在厕所里面亲热。正当一切进行顺利的时候，一个水管破了。水喷得到处都是，大家都被迫从房子里面撤了出来。我的JJ被破烂的水管阻挡了。FML

=== 豆知识 俚语 cockblock ===
组成： cock (JJ) + block （阻挡）
名词用：阻挡JJ的某人或某事物
动词用：去阻止某人的JJ，阻止某人占便宜
形容词: (+ed) 被阻挡了JJ了的

老外连这个都有专门的词。英语在某些方面果然很简洁 - -


Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

今天，我去游泳了。当我从非常拥挤的泳池里钻出来时，一个小女孩跑过来指着我大喊：“妈咪，我长大了以后，也想要大大的波波。”我今年16。我是个男的。FML

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

今天，我妈决定向我介绍她的新男友。我认识他。我和他上过床。FML

Today, I went to visit my fiance's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML

今天，我和我的未婚夫去医院看望他那奄奄一息的祖母。她开始向我们谈论要充实地过好每一天。他的祖母指着我说：“生命很短暂。这就是为什么你不能浪费时间，去和长得像这副模样的女人胡干。”FML

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

今天，我在俱乐部外面遇到了一个非常性感的男生。我们回到了我的公寓，做了爱做的事。然后我们都睡着了。我醒来的时候发现床头柜上多了刚开始没有的20美刀。他以为我是鸡。很明显，还是个便宜的。FML